Giving Your Partner Space

Your partner had a bad day, you try to console them, but you feel like all your attempts are failing. If you leave them alone, they claim you're "abandoning" them. Continue to pursue and you're nagging them. Feel like you're in a lose-lose situation? Sometimes your partner needs their space, but knowing how to do it without feeling like being in that lose-lose situation takes some finesse.

I had a client tell me this week they had a hard time speaking their needs. Upon looking at it further, we came to the realization that asking for what they want seemed like a weakness, almost as if they can't do it for themselves, so they have to depend on their partner; hence, showing weakness. I can see their point. If you are totally self-sufficient, then there's no reason to ask. From this perspective, it makes sense. Is it realistic though?

Is it realistic for us to expect our partners to be able to respond to our needs when we have trouble expressing them for fear of being vulnerable? Informing our partner of our needs does require some risk. We tell our partners what we need and hope they respond to us. Conversely, telling our partner what we need establishes our independence. It lets our partner know how we are different from them and what they can do to receive positive feedback from us.

There is a magic sentence to get to the bottom of most communication failures: What do you need from me?

By asking your partner this little 6-word question, all the guesswork has been eliminated. Their response will provide you with the information needed to follow-up and respond appropriately. Whether your partner needs their space or they need you by their side, it's their responsibility to express this, not your's to guess.

Can I Be Friends with my Therapist?

Many people seek counseling due to some sort of crisis within their lives. They seek out someone neutral, objective, like a counselor, because their family and friends provide advice based on emotions and the connection with the person.

Once in counseling, you may start to have feelings for your therapist. This is very common. You start to feel like you really could like being friends with them. You feel like the therapist understands you and really listens to you. They may laugh with you n sessions, they allow you to cry when you need to. They accept you for where you're at. As a result, you may want to see your therapist over lunch, at a coffee shop, etc.

The California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (CAMFT) establishes the Code of Ethics. They state, therapists should not engage "in a close personal relationship with a patient" as it may skew the therapy. Is this person now your friend or your therapist? How do they maintain that professionalism? Are you now paying your therapist or a good friend to help you? It can all become confusing and counterproductive.

Another issue is your relationship wasn't based on the makings of a friendship. Counseling is a business transaction with personal impacts. How much do you know about your therapist, really? Friendships are struck based on commonalities, such as interests, likes/dislikes, and personal experiences. How much of these things do you know about your therapist? Probably not as much as you think. Therapists don't disclose too much about themselves during your sessions. They can be likable people, but it doesn't mean you know that much of their lives outside the office.

CAMFT recommends a 2-year waiting rule to be extended to all types of relationships with clients, including friendships. There are several reasons for this. First, you may decide to return shortly after ending the therapy, which is common. Second, there is a belief that if a client and therapist want to engage in a relationship (friendship or otherwise) outside the therapy, 2-years to determine if a friendship could really sustain beyond the parameters of therapy.

If you have additional thoughts about becoming friends with your therapist, I recommend to discuss this directly with your therapist. It would be a good process for you in figuring out what characteristics you need for friendships as well as keeping the therapist in their role and allowing them to do their job...to provide you with a safe, valuable service.

Disclosing to the Counselor -- How much is too much?

Counseling is an interesting phenomenon. You pay a complete stranger to open up to them, become vulnerable and place some level of expectation they will be able to help you through your problems and come up with better solutions. This can feel weird, overwhelming, even downright scary. But, how much should you disclose?

Your counselor can only help you if you're upfront and honest with them. This may not mean you have to unlock every skeleton in your closet, but if you're holding back, they may not be able to help you move forward. For example, if you are actively engaging in the use of alcohol or marijuana and you emphatically deny this to your therapist, they may attribute your symptomology to more severe mental disorders. They cannot assess, and thus intervene, appropriately.

Communicating with your counselor can also be beneficial if you find you are having difficulties with the direction your therapy is going. Sometimes, I find clients may experience difficulty bringing up problems to the counselor when it has to do with the counselor; however, counselors are people too. We make mistakes and misinterpret client signals, which could inadvertently derail your therapy.

If you find yourself uncomfortable with your counseling experience, I recommend you bring it up with your counselor. Let them know how you're feeling and what your concerns are. Again, the counselor can't read your mind and will want to know how they can best help you.

Wanting More From Your Counselor

Counseling is a very interesting process. You come in spilling your guts to another person who is practically a stranger. You tell them things you've never told anyone else. You may have broken down in tears when you're upset, or maybe have turned to them when you're feeling like you're at your lowest point. And all this time, they've never judged you or shamed you...just provided the support and guidance you needed to get through these rough times.

Suddenly, you may find you are having feelings towards this person. You may want to become friends with them or even closer...maybe even have feelings of love. So what's the problem?

If your counselor is true to your therapy, they cannot reciprocate your feelings. It's understandable you would have such strong feelings for your counselor. You have put your trust in them and become vulnerable during some difficult times. For your counselor to share your feelings could have detrimental effects. They will not be able to maintain the objectivity, which you sought out in the first place. Counseling is a professional relationship which can sometimes feel very personal. However, it isn't personal. Do you pay your friends and family to talk to you? Probably not.

Your counselor is trained to deal with these issues. They can help you process your feelings in a positive way. However, if your feelings begin to overtake the therapy, your counselor may recommend (as a last resort) to transfer your therapy to another counselor, who can continue the work. Although this can feel like rejection, the counselor is really doing what is in your best interest. They want to see you succeed in life, and will not be able to help you achieve this if they are personally involved in your life.

Counseling through the Holidays

The holidays prove to be a stressful time, between dealing with family, buying gifts and trying to please everyone around you, you may feel overwhelmed and feel like you can't add one more commitment to your schedule. I can appreciate this as I also feel overwhelmed at times.

If you've been going to therapy for a while, you may want to feel like cutting therapy out of the schedule to have extra time or extra money for gifts. Consider carefully if this is the right move for you. I'm not automatically saying it's not, but weigh the pros and cons carefully:

Pros:

•Have more time to get things done
•Have more money to invest in gifts and other holiday necessities.

Cons:

•You have difficulty managing stress on your own.
•You allow all the holiday activities to overrun your calendar. Counseling is a guaranteed hour to focus on yourself.
•If your counseling recently took a positive turn, now may not be the best time to suspend sessions as you may lose motivation.
•If the holidays are a difficult time for you, suspending counseling to save a few dollars may not be best for your mental and physical health.

If you are deciding whether or not temporarily suspending sessions through the holidays is appropriate for you, speak with your therapist about it. Together, the 2 of you can look at the progress you've made to date and determine if taking a break for a few weeks would be in your best interest. Ultimately, this discussion could be the catalyst for a positive holiday season!