"Fireproof" Your Relationship

I'm not usually one to push specific resources on this list, but the film "Fireproof" has been brought up several times with my clients in recent weeks, so it would be a shame not to forward on a good resource.

If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, feelings of disconnect or feelings of being "alone" in your relationship, then you will want to consider watching this movie, about a couple on the verge of divorce, and learn what it really means to be committed to your partner, take personal responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and explores how blame, expectations and complacency can damage a relationship.

I want to put a disclaimer here that the film is heavily weighted with Christian-themes and the acting is definitely not Oscar-worthy. I state these points not from a prejudicial viewpoint, but to prepare yourself in the event the themes are not congruent with your own, personal views. If you can work through any incongruences (if they exist at all) and concentrate on the relationship dynamics, it can be a worthwhile resource.

Know When to Say When

You and your partner have a disagreement. You sense tensions are rising. Do you engage in the conversation to prove your point? Or do you know when to allow your partner the space they need to express their concerns and not get defensive? This is a hard place to be when you're also feeling angry, but note:

Anger prevents people from expressing what really needs to be expressed.
Anger prevents people from hearing what you're really trying to say, resulting in further misunderstandings.

If you recognize tensions running high, consider what is more important in the moment: being right versus being able to hear what your partner is saying so that you can have an opportunity to voice your perspective rationally and have a greater chance of being heard.

Defensiveness begets defensiveness and no one wins. So consider making the choice not to argue in order to have better communication. That's the best way to get your voice heard.

Dealing with your Partner's Pain

When your partner expresses pain, whether it be sadness, hurt, or frustration, how do you deal with it? Do you really listen to what is ailing your partner and provide support? Or do you try to make them feel better because it hurts you too much to see them in pain? If you're doing the latter, you are probably missing what your partner is trying to tell you. Most likely, your partner may not want you to "fix" them, but just to empathize with their pain, demonstrate your appreciation of their experience and ask them how you can be most supportive in their time of need.

Of all the people your partner could have relied on to share this pain, they chose to share their feelings with you. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, don't shut them off by trying to "fix" their problem, offer them "silver linings," or show them the positive side of their sadness. It may be difficult to see your partner in pain... it'll be more difficult later when your partner chooses not to share their feelings with you at all because your needs to make them feel better became more important than supporting them in the first place.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.