Your Relationship Starts with YOU

Most of these weekly tips focus on being relating to your partner, but this week's tip focuses on an even more important relationship... the one you have with yourself!

It's important to know yourself... what you're willing to tolerate... what you can accept... and the boundaries & values that you're not willing to compromise on. If you have "dealbreakers" it's important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) as to how you will deal with these issues should they arise within your relationship. So what do you do if you're confronted with these dealbreakers? Well, ultimately it's your decision and you have to be honest with yourself and determine if you can truly accept the behavior that you originally said you couldn't live with. Your values might have changed, or your circumstances have changed, so tolerating the "dealbreaker" may be more livable. However, there may be circumstances where you may have to decide that you absolutely cannot accept.

So what are you willing to do in those cases? This is where you have to start with the relationship with yourself. You may be able to set & maintain healthy boundaries and remain in the relationship successfully. You may have to make a tough decision to walk away from the relationship altogether. Whatever you decide, know that being honest with yourself, maintaining your integrity and recognizing the importance of self-respect, living with a relationship that challenges your integrity and self-respect will lead to self-resentment, which won't make your relationship easier.

Be true to yourself... be true to your partner... be true to the relationship.

Setting Boundaries

When your partner is continually treating you in a manner you find disrespectful, how do you handle it? Do you ask them stop? Do you throw out "threats" if they don't stop? Do you follow through with your consequences? If you feel like you're constantly asking over and again for your partner to cease the behaviors, but there's no consequences for their actions, then by what reason do they have to stop?

Sometimes, your decision NOT to take any action conveys a message to your partner that you're willing to tolerate (or even accept!) the negative behaviors. So what can you do? First, determine what you're willing to do if your partner treats you in a disrespectful way. Ignore the behavior? Disengage from the situation? And maybe even be willing to leave the relationship if the behaviors are extreme? Second, calmly let your partner know how their behaviors affect you and what you need to do to respect yourself. Then, follow through with what you decide if your partner doesn't respect your boundaries. It may be difficult, but consider this:

Why would someone respect your boundaries if you're not willing to respect yourself first?

Supportive vs. Rescuing

If you've ever had a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, it's easy to feel helpless, especially if your partner is struggling or isn't taking their treatment seriously. There is a fine line between supporting your partner and trying to rescue them. It's important to realize you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You can; however, support them towards following their treatment plan. So how can you help? Ask how you can help in being supportive. Listen to their response and determine if their response is reasonable. If it is, and you're willing, then do it!

In addition, make sure you're getting the support you need to maintain your own source of strength. Caring for another can be taxing and at times, downright exhausting. By making sure you're maintaining a level of self-care and accessing your own support system, you'll be more apt to provide consistent support for your partner. So make sure you're not neglecting yourself when you're helping another. And realize the difference between providing support & trying to work harder than your partner with an illness that you have no control over. It'll make a world of difference in your relationship.

Keeping the "Wind in Your Sails"

This week, I had a client who was really excited by something she had accomplished. In sharing with her partner, his (what she perceived as a ) less-than-enthusiastic response resulted in his "taking the wind out of [her] sails." It's common to want support from our partners; however, it is important to remember just because your partner may not experience the same level of excitement or emotion doesn't mean they aren't supportive and doesn't mean your information is any less worthy. You have a right to your opinions, feelings and experiences just as much as your partner does.

So, the next time you recognize your partner isn't as enthusiastic or as interested in a specific topic as you would like, rather than allowing the "wind" to be knocked out of your "sails," give yourself permission to continue to relish in your feelings and express to your partner why this topic is important to you, in order to provide your partner a better understanding of your perspective of the situation. Respecting each other's differences and learning how to work among those differences are important keys to a good relationship.