5 Tips Towards a Successful Relationship

Are arguments, conflict and sleepless nights plaguing your relationship? If so, then now is the time to turn things around. Relationships don't "just happen." You and your partner have to make the commitment to constantly work on the relationship, otherwise it becomes stagnant, stale and full of problems. Here are 5 tips to help you begin your journey towards building a healthy relationship:

Respecting Each Other's Space

Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.

If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:

1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.

2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.

The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.

Vacations! What Not to Do!

I want to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.

You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.

Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!

Love versus Hate

There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.

Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.

Getting ready for changes

Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.

Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.

Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.

Vulnerability vs. Assertiveness

I had a client tell me this week they had a hard time communicating to their partner their needs. Upon looking at it further, we came to the realization that asking for what they want seemed like a weakness, almost as if they can't do it for themselves, so they have to depend on their partner; hence, showing weakness.

I had to think about this. I can see their point. If you are totally self-sufficient, then there's no reason to ask. From this perspective, it makes sense. Is it realistic though?

Is it realistic for us to expect our partners to be able to respond to our needs when we have trouble expressing them for fear of being vulnerable? Informing our partner of our needs does require some risk. We tell our partners what we need and hope they respond to us. Conversely, telling our partner what we need establishes our independence. It lets our partner know how we are different from them and what they can do to receive positive feedback from us.

So while there is an element of risk and vulnerability, consider how such communication is simultaneously empowering....and important for a successful relationship.