Selective Honesty

Relationships require trust. Building trust requires forthrightness & honesty. Any time you choose to withhold information that could potentially impact the relationship, you are stealing your partner's choice and causing damage to the relationship. Withholding the information may seem like the right thing to do, because it might save your partner from pain, prevent an "unnecessary" argument, or keep your partner from thinking poorly of you. Really though, those withholdings start to chip away at the foundation of trust in the relationship, especially if your partner begins to learn of the inconsistencies in your stories. The result is really everything you were trying to avoid in the first place!! Arguments WILL ensue, your partner will be upset and your partner may start to become suspicious of your actions and motives.

So while it may seem easier in the short-term to withhold information from your partner, ultimately that act can snowball into something much more damaging to a relationship. Learn to be upfront with yourself and your partner in a productive way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Friendship

Relationships can be enhanced by your circle of friends. The types of relationships you have with others outside your relationship can be a direct mirror to the type of relationship you have with your partner. Your friendships can provide you with an outlet that your partner may not be able to provide. For example, you may have interests that your partner has little interest in, such as a sport or a physical activity, like hiking.

Seeking healthy outlets to pursue interests provide you with some time to reconnect with yourself and your identity, as well as an opportunity to bring new experiences to the relationship. It also takes the pressure off of your partner to be your entire support system, which can become isolating & stifling to the relationship.

Love & Autonomy

I had an interesting issue arise in a session this week that I thought I'd share. A client came to a realization regarding her motivations for staying with someone, who she absolutely knew wasn't right for her. In speaking with her, she admitted the reason for staying in the relationship with her partner wasn't just because she had strong emotional feelings for this person, but because without his presence, she would feel less "important" in her life. As we explored her process, she came to the realization that staying with her partner was actually her need to calm her internal anxiety when she thought about ending the relationship. Basically, she had been willing to stay in this relationship to keep her anxiety at bay, more than doing what she needed to do to be honest with herself.

I see this often with clients. Ask yourself how many times you've had uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, guilt, fear, etc.) and have acted upon them, such as by calling an ex because you still "love them," picking a fight with your partner, trying to cuddle up to your partner when you really don't want to, etc. Sometimes, we will calm our negative emotions through sabotaging behaviors just to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. This is just a quick "fix" to calming those emotions, but it doesn't solve the problem. Furthermore, it can result in almost an "addictive" pattern, in that the more you get the response you want from your partner, the more you will continue in these self-sabotaging behaviors each time you have a "rush" of emotions.

Instead, if you begin to experience uncomfortable emotions, love yourself and give yourself permission to experience those emotions. Yes... they ARE uncomfortable, but by experiencing them rather than acting on them, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to depend on yourself to heal and overcome them, rather than depending on another and possibly sabotaging your relationship & your autonomy.

What is Love?

I recently went to a seminar on couples counseling. The presenter had asked the entire room what their definition of love was. As answers were being shouted from across the room, there were many answers which included passion, affection, kindness, & support. However, the presenter made an interesting observation -- for all of these qualities to truly occur, there is a common factor, which no one addressed: ATTENTION.

In order for passion, affection kindness and support to actually happen, there needs to be attention focused on the other person. Keeping this in mind, the presenter's definition of love was the "unconditional gift of attention to another." As you pay attention to your partner & vice versa, the other components fall into place.

So, mulling this over, now think about times where you have withheld attention from your partner and then wonder why you feel so disconnected that you aren't having physical intimacy or closeness. Then think about those times when you demonstrate a desire to pay attention to your partner. They probably respond more lovingly and connected. So, if you're not demonstrating to your partner love through paying them loving attention, it's easy to see why you may not be feeling connected to them. You have the opportunity to change this starting today!