Disappointment vs. Trust

Which do you find more damaging to a relationship? Disappointing your partner by speaking your mind in a respectful way, knowing they won't like the response? Or eroding the trust from the relationship? If you chose the latter, then keep reading...

If trust is essential to the foundation of a relationship, then isn't it interesting how many couples will refrain from saying what how they really feel to their partner for the fear of disappointing them? As a result, people will enter into agreements they really don't agree to. This can be as simple as what they want for dinner to weekend plans to having sex. Through this process, resentment starts to build towards your partner and towards yourself, which begins the erosion of trust, as you have lied to yourself and your partner.

So while disappointing your partner may not be pleasant, it's important to consider what the consequence would be if your partner realizes that you've been dishonest with them after the fact. Small mistruths over time can result in an erosion of trust in the relationship. So do you still think it's worth "biting your tongue?"

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

Trusting Your Partner

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

What is a Relationship?

Let's look at this at the most basic level. Two people meet, the decide there's enough compatibility to move forward and enter into a relationship. They become exclusive and within a period of time, the relationship may become flat, arguments may occur, or unwanted behaviors begin to surface. So what changed? How is it 2 people who entered into this relationship ends up having such problems? Actually, it's more obvious than you might think...

When people enter into a relationship, they tend to go with their feelings... that "spark" or "click." What tends to be overlooked are the "terms" of the relationship. What does "exclusive mean"? How often do you want to see each other? How often do you expect to have sex? Do you want to be kissed in the morning? Do you want to hear "I love you" before you go to sleep? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who will do the laundry? This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it goes to show how many of the "details" aren't addressed when people jump into a relationship. It's when these "terms" come to the surface, that people start to realize their first instincts about one another may be the right ones.

So what's a couple to do? Well, negotiating all "terms" of the relationship as they come to the surface is the best way to work out differences. So come to the "table" and be open, honest and talk about what it is you are willing to agree to... only until each point is negotiated and agreed upon can you move forward. It's also to remember that, like a contract, relationships need to be revisited periodically as the dynamics of your relationship changes.