Who's Need is it Anyway?

When you see your partner struggling, how do you handle it? Do you support your partner? Or do you try to save them from their struggle? If you're trying to save them, it's time to take a step back and look at your motivations. How do you know your partner wants to be saved?

During a partner's struggle, if you find yourself trying to "fix" the problem, yet your partner hasn't indicated they want to be helped, then most likely your motivations are based on your needs rather than what your partner needs from you. The danger in this is you establish an unhealthy dynamic where you can become a "crutch" to your partner: a type of dependence that prevents your partner from being an individual because your need to "fix" them becomes more important than allowing your partner to have an opportunity for growth and self-exploration.

Sure, it's difficult to see someone you care about struggle. Rather than jumping in and trying to save them, ask them how you can help. They may just need you to be a sounding board. Maybe they need feedback from you. However, they may just require space to struggle, or they may demonstrate they don't want your help & are willing to struggle regardless of the cost. In those instances, you have to be strong enough to take a step back and let them struggle. This can be extremely difficult, and self-care will become essential so you don't try to "save" your partner if they don't want to be saved.

The Impact of Honesty

What does honesty mean to you? How do you feel when you learn your partner isn't honest with you? Hurt? Betrayed? How do you feel when you aren't honest with your partner? Guilty? Ashamed? Anxious? As you notice, the emotions associated with a lack of honesty aren't positive and can cause a breakdown in communication and trust. So then why aren't people more honest with their partners?

It seems the #1 reason is the fear of how their partner will react if they hear the truth. There's a fear of disappointing their partner, or may not want to invoke an argument with their partner, so they believe the dishonesty will be better for all concerned; however, the fact is that while the truth may trigger hurt feelings or an argument, finding out your partner was not honest with you can have longer, and more severe, impacts in the long-run.

A second reason someone might lie is to maintain a behavior they aren't ready to give up. This is also known as "having your cake and eating it too." In such cases, they want to be able to "keep you" in the relationship, but they want to also continue engaging in the negative behaviors. This kind of lifestyle ultimately can destroy a relationship, unless you agree to tolerate it.

In either case, honesty is an important component of a relationship. The lack of honesty can erode the very foundation of a healthy relationship and ultimately will cause ongoing suspicion, turbulence and unhealthy behaviors from both people in the relationship.

Rescuing Others vs. Rescuing Yourself

There is a reason when someone is drowning, a life preserver is thrown to the person rather than another person jumping in after them. Why? Because when someone is drowning, they will climb upon whatever they can to try to keep themselves afloat, usually at the risk of whatever they're climbing upon. If it happens to be another person, the danger of both the rescuer and rescuee drowning.

If you are in a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, depression, or even an addiction, there may be times where you will watch your partner struggle & even feel like they're drowning. You may deal with periods of helplessness or hopelessness when they make decisions that you don't agree with. You want them to follow doctor's orders or treatment guidelines, but they don't want to. You may feel compelled to give them their medications or make their doctor appointments, in order to keep them compliant with their treatment. Have you ever asked yourself why you care more about them getting better than they do themselves? If so, read on...

Because you care about your partner, you want to do whatever you can in order to help them. The problem is you're exhausted trying to convince them to take care of themselves. You're attempts to rescue them can easily result in burning out because you're trying to rescue someone who might not want to be rescued. So then the question becomes: Why does rescuing your partner become more important than rescuing yourself? There is a difference between providing healthy support to a partner in need and trying to rescue them from their own situation. At some point, your partner has to take responsibility for themselves. Doing the work for them will not help them get better and it increases the potential of your own burnout. Take care of yourself and, in turn, you'll be able to be stronger for your partner.