Working Together

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Choices

Lately, I've been working with many couples who are realizing how the choices they make contradict what they really want. They say they want to be in a trustworthy relationship, only to choose a partner they inherently don't trust. Or they want to be in an intimate relationship, but choose a partner who travels a lot, is a workaholic or maintains a level of emotional distance. They come to me with the hopes that I can help them "change" their partner or wants me to prove that their partner is "wrong." The fact is there is so much focus on the other person rather than themselves.

This situation is actually more common than you might actually believe. How many times have you tried to convince your partner that your version of the situation is the right one, while they are wrong. Why is it so important that one must be "right" and the other be "wrong?" The fact is we all have our own reality of the situation and those realities aren't always going to coincide.

Rather than trying to change your partner, I suggest you look at your own role in the choices you've made. Are you choosing to be the "fixer" but hate the fact that your partner depends on you to "fix" everything? Have you chosen to be the planner of your weekends, but resent the fact that your partner never "steps up" to help with coming up with ideas? If you realize that you are making choices that are resulting in resentment, it might be time to make different choices.

It's time to look at your own actions in the relationship to see what choices you're making that could be negatively impacting you and, in turn, impacting your relationship in a negative way. Making healthier choices for yourself, can result in positive changes in your relationship.

Fostering Intimacy

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.

Having Realistic Expectations

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Adapting to Change

Relationships and people must evolve and grow. Events in your lives will ultimately impact your relationship. Whether it's buying a new home, changing jobs or having a baby, these events will cause you to make changes to your routine and those changes will trickle down onto your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner room to adapt to these changes. Make accommodations for one another as you work together to make a new routine that will work for you individually as well as a couple. If you find that the new routine isn't working for you, speak up! Don't allow the routine to become so engrained that you become resentful.

By making such allowances and accommodations, you and your partner can grow together as time and changes evolve.

The End of a Relationship

While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.

Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.

The Family's Influence

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.

How Blaming Hurts

When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...

Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.

Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.

"I" versus "We"

Two individuals come together to form a relationship. Somewhere along the timeline, the word "I" starts to become the word "we." This can be a symbol of a strong union between these two people. It can signify a healthy collaboration where issues are negotiated, and agreed upon, resulting in the "we," demonstrating those agreements.

However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.

This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.

It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.

Your Counselor's License

In any profession, you have the good eggs and the bad apples. When looking for a counselor, you want to know your therapist holds a license with their respective state and they are in good standing with their licensing board. Why is this important? Therapy is a unique relationship. You leave yourself vulnerable to you can rebuild yourself and heal. You want to know the person you choose to go through this process is ethical and understands the laws, so you can remain safe.

Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.

The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!

Keeping a Relationship Strong

All too often, expectations of a partner can be the downfall of the relationship if those expectations aren't made known to the other person. By recognizing those expectations and being able to voice them to your partner, you give your partner a fair opportunity to respond to those expectations. Let's see how expectations can impact your relationship:

Who is in YOUR relationship?

A relationship is between 2 people. So why is it so easy to allow others to get involved with the relationship? Friends, parents, siblings, and even co-workers give advice on how your relationship "should" be...but according to whom? If you or your partner allows people to influence your relationship, then you aren't giving you or your partner an opportunity to make decisions for yourself. Think of it this way, if 2 stand at an altar, then it's those people who ultimately have to decide what is best for the relationship...no one else. Only you can decide what makes your relationship work. Focus on finding those answers with your partner, not external forces.

Are you a good communicator?

Communicating requires certain components:

A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.

So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?

Limiting Yourself

Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?

Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.

Is "In Treatment" Really What Happens in Therapy?

People have asked me this often in the past few weeks. If you've been watching HBO's new series, "In Treatment," you would see a therapist go through the following:

Reciprocating romantic feelings for a client.
Having a client fall in love with another client.
Get into a physical altercation with another client.
Have a teenager attempt suicide in the office.
Go to their own supervisor for personal therapy.

Plus so much more!

In truth, therapists do have struggles and difficult clients, but since 1999, when I began working with clients, I have never experienced most of these issues, as well as practically all the therapists I personally know and affiliate with.

Do clients form romantic feelings for therapists? It can happen, and does happen to most therapists at one time or another. It's a process clients go through when the therapist has proved a safe, nurturing environment for the client to be able to work through their pain and begin to heal. That process is so strong, that a client's feelings may be misconstrued as romantic feelings. A competent therapist recognizes these feelings and uses this interaction to further process the healing.

In general, therapists don't fall in love with their clients (although it has been known to happen), therapists don't push their clients into bookcases, and don't have client attempt suicide in their office. This television show has some wonderful acting and some great moments that draw the viewer in, but remember, it's ultimately a TV show!

If you have seen it and have concerns, please post them! We can address them here!

Corresponding With My Therapist Through Emails

Recently, I was asked to explain why I discourage clients from emailing me between sessions. I thought in the world of technology, it would be a good topic to address here. I'm not referring to online therapy, but for clients who I usually see in my office, but want to correspond to me via email in between sessions.

Let me start with the issue of confidentiality. There is no way to secure email. It can't be 128-bit encrypted, and it's easier to hack. Plus, there's no guarantee I will receive the email. How many times has someone tolds you they sent you an email, but you never received it? Ouch! Can you imagine sending a lengthy email, contained with personal information, and your therapist never receives it?

Second, emails are easy to be misconstrued. It's very common to misinterpret text messages, emails, etc. because you don't have eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. I, personally, depend on non-verbal communication almost as much as verbal communication when working with the client. I lose a substantial part of the communication through emails.

I understand email and electronic communication is an important means of keeping in contact and is here to stay; however, I believe it's not in your best interest as a client to do therapy over the internet if you are working with me on a regular basis in the office. If clients feel they need to interact with me beyond the weekly session, I encourage them to see me more than once a week, so that they receive the support you are looking for.

Finding a Therapist - Resources

Finding a therapist can be daunting. You try the Yellow Pages, but that doesn't give you much information. You go to online directories, but when you type in a zip code, 50 different therapists show up! How do you know which one is right for you?

I have a more detailed article seeking a good "fit," which you can find HERE, but here are some good online resources to help narrow down your search:

PsychologyToday.com
Network Therapy.com
Find-A-Therapist.com

What Do You Want to Know?

Is there something you would like to know about the therapy process that I haven't addressed?

Now is the time and this is the place to ask!

Leave your questions in the comments section at the end of this post and I'll add them to my blog in the form of an entry!

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

**Please note, my responses cannot be replaced for therapy and if you're in therapy, I request you address any concerns with your therapist directly.

Email & Therapy

Here's a question I received: Why don't you prefer clients to use email when contacting you?

This is a fair question. Let me see if I can explain:

1) I cannot guarantee your confidentiality. There's no way to maintain privacy through email mediums.
2) Emails get "lost." You may send an email and I may never receive it.
3) If it's an emergency, I may not receive it until hours after you've sent it.
4) Emails can be easily misconstrued. Without facial expressions, body language or even voice volume and sound, I have no idea what the emotions are behind the email.

For this reason, I have a personal policy that clients may email me ONLY for the purpose of scheduling/canceling an appointment. I recognize in the world of Blackberries, SmartPhones and iPhones, people are on the go and keep their calendars close at hand.

If emails are your preferred means of communication, speak with your own therapist what their policy regarding use of email is and how that will work for the both of you.

More Relationship Tips

Looking for more tips to solidify your relationship? Look no further!

Give Intimacy to Get It

Do you wait for your partner to do something nice for you before you return the favor? Are you feeling like your partner isn't doing their part to make you feel loved? Well, here's a question for you...what are you doing to make your partner feel loved?

Many people wait and wait for their partner to make the "first move" and then become disappointed when their partner doesn't respond. It's time to take control of the closeness in your relationship! If you provide love, then you have a higher chance of receiving love in return. Don't wait around and then become resentful of yourself for waiting...that only hurts you in the end.

It Time to Talk!

How often do you and your spouse sit down and check in with one another about your relationship? I mean, more than just the events of the day: the kids' schoolwork, your jobs, what needs to be fixed around the house. How often do you talk about your dreams, your goals or where you want to be 5, 10 or 20 years from now? If you've lost sight of your relationship, you'll may be surprised to wake up one day and not know your spouse, or even yourself anymore.

Take the time to reconnect, even if it's one night a week. Using that time will increase intimacy, connection and give you an ongoing chance to rejuvenate your relationship.

How NOT to Communicate!

Recently, there seems to be an influx of ways people seem to deal with important issues and conflicts in their relationships, but cannot understand why they're ineffective. Let's look at what NOT to do, so you can find healthier, alternative ways of communicating:

Don't call your partner at work to discuss heated issues. They may not be in a position to really focus on the issue.

Don't send a text message your partner at work. Text messages can easily be misconstrued and unnecessary arguments could envelop.

Don't try to discuss things while getting the children ready for bed. Again, your attention is focused elsewhere. Furthermore, children do not need to be privy to adult discussions.

DO write down what you really need to discuss, to keep your thoughts together. Wait until your partner is at home, where you both can give the matter your full attention. If this isn't possible, then hire a babysitter for a couple of hours, go and get a cup of coffee together, and leave the cell phones at home (to minimize interruptions). Many people used to go on dates before cell phones....you can too!

Paying for Therapy--Should I Use Insurance?

A major concern people have about counseling is the fees. Therapists may charge anywhere from $75 to $150/hour. That is a lot of money! Then, if you're going weekly or even twice a week, it can add up quickly. You have insurance and you pay a lot for your premiums. So, you may be asking, "Why shouldn't I use my insurance?" It is best you understand the risks and benefits of using health insurance therapy before making a decision that may have negative consequences. Let's look at what using insurance may mean for you:

The Benefits

•Co-payments tend to be very low.
•Some insurance plans may relieve you of a co-payment altogether!

The Risks

•You must qualify for a mental disorder diagnosis, which would have to be disclosed to your insurance panel. The diagnosis becomes the focus of your therapy, rather than the reason you contacted your therapist in the first place.

•If you are trying to apply for life/disability insurance/private health insurance, your company will need to have access to any prior health information, which includes whatever mental disorder diagnosis provided during your therapy. This can effect eligibility and premiums.

•Depending on your plan, insurance panels may have case managers consult with your therapist to get ongoing sessions authorized. This case manager will ultimately decide whether your therapy is a "medical necessity." If they decide your therapy doesn't meet the criteria for "medical necessity," they can terminate your treatment benefits, possibly prematurely.

•Insurance companies may recommend you go in for a medication evaluation to determine if it would be beneficial to your treatment, even if it's not part of the treatment plan you and your therapist have agreed upon.

What This Means to You

Only you can determine whether the calculated risks to use insurance would be beneficial or not. If you want to keep your issues private and the paper trail to a minimum, look at the risks and benefits of using your insurance to pay for your therapy and determine if it is the right course of treatment for you.

While therapy can be an expensive venture, for many people, their therapy is fairly short-term, usually anywhere from 8 to 20 sessions, depending on the presenting issues, how much those issues are impacting your life and how hard you are willing to work to overcome the problem.

Whatever you decide, look at your options, what you want to get out of treatment, and ask your therapist about your options. Do your own research and make educated choices.

Is My Problem Therapy-Appropriate?

I hear this question a lot. New clients will call and start off our conversation with, "I know you probably have more important clients with more critical issues, but I don't know where else to turn." It always amazes me how people don't believe their issue is important enough to seek help themselves.

Well, here is some reassurance. People cope differently in reaction to situations. Something that may stress one person out may easily roll off of your back. In turn, you may find yourself having difficulty dealing with a particular situation, but you see others sail through the stress with ease.

Regardless, if you're finding you're having difficulty dealing with a particular issue or relationship, and the inability to cope with the problem is impacting your ability to carry out your normal daily routine, then it's time to do something about it. You have a right to be happy within your life, whatever that means or looks like to you.

Reaching out for help is not a weakness, but in fact a strength. It's the strength of knowing your limitations and recognizing getting help will allow you to heal faster, rather than trying to work through the problem on your own, only to realize that you're sinking fast.

So, if you are doubting as to whether or not your issue is important enough for therapy, ask yourself this:

Am I succeeding at overcoming the problem myself?
What will it take for me to recognize I need help to get my life back in order?

Remember: Only strength allows you to take one step at a time.

Why am I Requested to Fill Out Paperwork at the First Session?

You took the first step. You picked up the phone and called a counselor. The first appointment is set. The therapist may request you come in early to complete paperwork or some are now email the paperwork to you, so you can fill it out in the comfort of your own home. You see the packet...you cannot believe how much paperwork there is to complete! It begins to feel overwhelming. Why do some therapists have you complete paperwork while others don't?

In the world of insurance and lawsuits, now more than ever many therapists are outlining their policies and procedures to protect you, the client, and themselves. If all the policies are spelled out, then you know exactly what to expect from the therapist and the therapeutic process. From a therapist's point-of-view, clients can feel anxious and overwhelmed coming into the first session and may not remember the policies discussed. For this reason, many therapists will require you complete the paperwork.

Another possible reason for the paperwork is the HIPAA (Health Information Portability and Accountability Act) laws, which went into effect in April 2003. As clients choose to use their insurance for counseling, therapists are turning to the internet to expedite billing procedures. Therapists who are utilizing the internet to bill for services must become HIPAA-compliant, which requires the therapist provide you with a copy of the Notice of Privacy Practices (NPP), which discusses how your health information can and cannot be used. The therapist is mandated to obtain a signature from you demonstrating you received such a copy. This doesn't mean you agree with the policy, only that you've received one.

But what if I'm not using my insurance? I'm just paying for therapy out-of-pocket. According to HIPAA law, regardless of the means of pay, if the clinician must be HIPAA-compliant, then they have to provide all clients with an NPP and treat their information according to HIPAA laws.

All in all, the paperwork, while it may seem unnecessary, protects you, the therapist and may be required by law.

Confidentiality & Counseling

You enter into a counseling relationship to begin a journey of personal growth and overcome obstacles preventing you from achieving your goals. This journey entails the disclosure of very personal information and you want to make sure you can trust the therapist to uphold your confidentiality.

You need to know the parameters of confidentiality BEFORE you start therapy. Most therapists will inform you of these parameters at the first session. In most circumstances, your confidentiality will be upheld. As I say to my clients, "What is said in this room, stays in this room." However, there are exceptions that most therapists must adhere to. Some of these may vary by state, so make sure you check with your therapist:

Legal Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:

•Child abuse or neglect
•Elder abuse or neglect
•Dependent adult abuse or neglect
•Serious threats to harm others
•A court order compelling a therapist to testify or release therapeutic information to the court.

Other/Ethical Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:
•Serious threats to harm yourself
•Case consultation with other mental health professionals for the benefit of your therapy
•Implementing a "no-secrets" policy, which is utilized in couples and family therapy to prevent members of the family from forcing the therapist to withhold secrets from other family members, which can be harmful to the therapy.

The best action you can take is to speak with your therapist at the onset of therapy about their limits of confidentiality policies, so you are aware of the parameters that protect your rights as a client.

What If I Feel My Therapy Isn't Working?

Do you go to therapy wondering what you're going to talk about? Do you feel like you're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Feeling discouraged that you're constantly taking one step forward but 3 steps back in therapy?

Therapy requires time, patience and work, but you probably don't want to feel like you will be in therapy forever. If you're feeling discouraged, it's real easy to call your therapist, cancel the appointment and never reschedule. But is it really the best decision for you? Could be....maybe not.

Therapy is a complicated art. There are many factors which contribute to the success or failure of therapy, the main factor is the rapport between the therapist and yourself. Other factors include: your commitment to therapy and yourself, the therapist's competence and confidence in their own skills, the issues you bring to the table and the length of time you've been dealing with the problems, just to name a few.

Dropping out may prevent you from facing the problems that brought you to therapy in the first place. So what do you do?

First, talk to your therapist as soon as you start to feel discouraged. Let your therapist know how you're feeling, what you are seeing is happening with the therapy, and what your expectations are. Opening this channel of communication helps the therapist understand what you are wanting and an open discussion of your needs and expectations can be laid out on the table.

After having such a discussion, you and your therapist can lay out a new treatment plan addressing your concerns, which may include additional resources in addition to therapy such as support groups, medical evaluations, etc. After processing all your options, you may agree transferring to another therapist may be needed. If this is the case, your therapist should be able to provide you with appropriate referrals so you can continue your journey.

Why is My Therapist Ending My Therapy?

Someone asked me recently, "Why would my therapist end my therapy? I don't think I'm ready." This could feel scary, especially if you've worked with your therapist for a while.

There are many reasons a therapist may discontinue therapy with a client. However, whatever the reason, a competent therapist would discuss the reasons with you and provide you with the appropriate referrals so you can continue your journey.

•The issues you are presenting are beyond the therapist's level of knowledge or competence.
•The therapist recognizes a serious detriment with the rapport between the two of you, which isn't providing you with safe environment you need to succeed in therapy.
•Your therapist recognizes underlying issues (eg., medical, psychiatric, drug dependence) which may need to be addressed and rectified before therapy can be beneficial.

There are a multitude of reasons. These are just a few. If your therapist does determine that a referral needs to be made, you have every right to ask your therapist about what they are seeing, which is influencing their decision. Your discussion is necessary as maybe you have omitted information that could change your therapist's decision.

Losing your therapist can be a significant loss for some clients. The therapist should be willing to process this with you and help you make the transition as smoothly as possible.

Improve Your Communication

You may think you know how to communicate with your partner, and maybe you do. Answer the following questions. Do you and your partner:

1) Ever have disagreements?
2) Resolve disagreements with strong arguments?
3) Resolve disagreements with physical altercations?
4) Resolve disagreements by "sweeping it under the rug?"

If answered "yes" to any of the above, then you probably aren't as effective as you could be. The following tips can help you work through differences positively and, hopefully, give you some alternate ways to come to compromise and/or resolution.

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

Balancing "I" with "We"

How often do you find yourself saying or hearing your partner say,
"We need to do....?" or "Why aren't we....?"

In many circumstances, WE can be a beautiful word, but it can also be
a dangerous one. WE can signify togetherness, a partnership, a bond.
However, if WE begins to replace "I", problems ensue. At the point
"I" is replaced by "WE," individuality is compromised. The two of you
came together as individuals...morphing into one is a romanticized
ideology of a relationship. Losing "I" for the sake of "WE" means
giving up your identity, the very characteristics which caused your
partner to love you in the first place.

When "We need to do....." appears, it's time to stop and think: Is
this something my partner and I "need" to do? Or is this something
"I" really need from my partner and myself? Be honest here. Most
likely, it's your need being masked as a "WE." It's time to assert
yourself. It's time to stand up for your needs and stop imposing them
on your partner. They are most likely going to be more receptive if
you're saying:

"I need the clothes to be washed. Would you mind helping me with this?"
vs."We need to wash the clothes."

Asserting yourself positively is a great way to establish your "I-
ness" within a "WE" world.

Communication Overcomes Stress

What is the best stress reliever? Knowing you have someone in your corner, who can provide you with support...who can go through the stress with you...who can understand your stress. Having this person on your side can help you feel less alone.

Stress can cloud judgment and result in arguments if you let it. However, if you allow your partner to be a form of support, you will have a pillar to lean on. Talk to your partner. Let them know how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you need. Invite them to be a part of your world. Let them know how they an help. It will help them feel less helpless (because let's be honest....they can't always "fix" the problem for you), and you get support in a way you need it.

Communication can ease the tension and help relieve the stress...as long as you're willing to keep your partner in the loop.

These are just a few tips, which can help you start a positive bridge towards communication. If you're interested in receiving more tips for a healthy relationship, visit my website and sign up for free weekly relationship tips.

Understanding the Counselor's Role

Have you experience a kind of "distance" between you and your counselor? It's almost as if one moment there's a "connection" between you and the next moment, that connection is lost. It makes you wonder, "what happened?"

First and foremost, it's essential to remember that the counselor is not your friend. You don't pay your friends money to listen to your concerns and your friends may not have the ability to pull themselves away emotionally to see how your concerns may or may not be skewed. They only see your pain and want to fix it. They do not have the training or experience to be able to help you understand your pain and work with it in a way most beneficial to you. This may be where you feel this "distance." The therapist must keep a level of distance to maintain objectivity. If they become too invested in the emotions, then they can become as ineffective as some of your friends and family in the matters of helping you with your concerns.