What Are You "Really" Arguing About?

Have you ever noticed how you want to discuss something important to you, but in presenting it to your partner, you realize your issue has been skirted and now you're talking about conflicts that might have happened a week, a month or even years ago? How did it go South so quickly? How did unrelated topics get brought into the original conversation? Trying to yell over one another and bringing in unrelated topics can be destructive and hurtful. Here's some ideas to make your discussions more productive:

1) Write out specifically what you want to say. This will help you remain focused and stay on task.
2) Don't read off the entire list and expect your partner to absorb it all, especially if your requests are going to focus on your partner's behaviors.
3) Read one item at a time and discuss each item separately. If either of you begin to demonstrate any defensiveness, postpone the conversation, and the list, for a later time, to give each of you a chance to process what has been said so far and to calm yourselves down so you can resume your discussion.