Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.
As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.
The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Understanding the Counselor's Role
Have you experience a kind of "distance" between you and your counselor? It's almost as if one moment there's a "connection" between you and the next moment, that connection is lost. It makes you wonder, "what happened?"
First and foremost, it's essential to remember that the counselor is not your friend. You don't pay your friends money to listen to your concerns and your friends may not have the ability to pull themselves away emotionally to see how your concerns may or may not be skewed. They only see your pain and want to fix it. They do not have the training or experience to be able to help you understand your pain and work with it in a way most beneficial to you. This may be where you feel this "distance." The therapist must keep a level of distance to maintain objectivity. If they become too invested in the emotions, then they can become as ineffective as some of your friends and family in the matters of helping you with your concerns.
First and foremost, it's essential to remember that the counselor is not your friend. You don't pay your friends money to listen to your concerns and your friends may not have the ability to pull themselves away emotionally to see how your concerns may or may not be skewed. They only see your pain and want to fix it. They do not have the training or experience to be able to help you understand your pain and work with it in a way most beneficial to you. This may be where you feel this "distance." The therapist must keep a level of distance to maintain objectivity. If they become too invested in the emotions, then they can become as ineffective as some of your friends and family in the matters of helping you with your concerns.
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