Celebrating your Relationship

With the holidays upon us, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity: parties, decorating, gift-giving, shopping, wrapping, etc. We have annual traditions in place: Christmas Eve with the family, Christmas morning with the kids, Christmas dinner with the neighbors. How do you celebrate the tradition of your relationship?

Your relationship should be celebrated everyday, even in the smallest way. The traditions do not need to be costly or need to be time consuming. The traditions only need to be heartfelt and demonstrate some expression of the love you have for each other in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your relationship deserves daily nurturing and attention. Love is the gift of attention. Your relationship deserves nothing less.

Happy holidays!

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The Gift of the Holidays

How often do you or your partner spend time thinking about the "perfect" gift? Maybe it's a watch, maybe it's a ring, maybe it's a book.. in a relationship, the best gift you can give to one another is the gift of time. If busy schedules, children, and other responsibilities cut into the quality time you long for, then maybe it's time to reconsider prioritizing the gifts to be less tangible and more substantial. Spending quality time reconnecting with each other can foster longer, more positive, memories to reflect upon throughout the years, more so than any tangible item that eventually will be discarded, donated or put away.

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Letting People Know What You Need

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

30 Days at a Time

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Claim your Space

Nurturing your relationship and quality time is important. However, it is equally important to nurture yourself as individuals. Take time occasionally for yourself away from your spouse. Go out with friends...get involved with a hobby...whatever interests you have, foster them. It gives you a chance to regain your identity separate from your relationship, and provides you opportunities to share more with your partner at the same time!

Acceptance

This week, I came across this anonymous quote regarding relationships. I found it very poignant, about unconditional acceptance of your partner. Too often, we try to change our partners to conform to our own comfort levels, rather than accepting our partners for who they are.

‎"Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restricting. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free...will never fly away." - Anonymous

Is Love REALLY Enough?

When I sit with a couple in my office, I'll ask them why they continue to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner, especially if they are already convinced their partner will never change? More often than not, the response will be something to the effect of, "Because I love him/her?" So, now I'll offer this question, "Is love *really* enough?" I'm not suggesting people break up with their partners, in fact, I usually continue to work towards a fulfilling relationship as long as the couple continues attending counseling sessions. What I am suggesting is to take careful inventory of your relationship & really look at what you can be doing differently in order to build upon the love you've built together.

If your partner is continually doing something that you feel is disrespecting you, ask yourself these questions:

1) Why would s/he disrespect me time and again if they really loved me?

2) Why would I continue to tolerate such behaviors from someone I love?

You will be disrespected if you don't respect yourself first. You won't be loved the way you deserve if you don't love yourself first. Boundaries will only be respected if you respect and uphold your own boundaries first. Love in of itself is not the sole foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue to move the relationship through tough times & relish in the good times.

Take it ALL in

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Disappointment vs. Trust

Which do you find more damaging to a relationship? Disappointing your partner by speaking your mind in a respectful way, knowing they won't like the response? Or eroding the trust from the relationship? If you chose the latter, then keep reading...

If trust is essential to the foundation of a relationship, then isn't it interesting how many couples will refrain from saying what how they really feel to their partner for the fear of disappointing them? As a result, people will enter into agreements they really don't agree to. This can be as simple as what they want for dinner to weekend plans to having sex. Through this process, resentment starts to build towards your partner and towards yourself, which begins the erosion of trust, as you have lied to yourself and your partner.

So while disappointing your partner may not be pleasant, it's important to consider what the consequence would be if your partner realizes that you've been dishonest with them after the fact. Small mistruths over time can result in an erosion of trust in the relationship. So do you still think it's worth "biting your tongue?"

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

Trusting Your Partner

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

Friendship

Relationships can be enhanced by your circle of friends. The types of relationships you have with others outside your relationship can be a direct mirror to the type of relationship you have with your partner. Your friendships can provide you with an outlet that your partner may not be able to provide. For example, you may have interests that your partner has little interest in, such as a sport or a physical activity, like hiking.

Seeking healthy outlets to pursue interests provide you with some time to reconnect with yourself and your identity, as well as an opportunity to bring new experiences to the relationship. It also takes the pressure off of your partner to be your entire support system, which can become isolating & stifling to the relationship.

What is Love?

I recently went to a seminar on couples counseling. The presenter had asked the entire room what their definition of love was. As answers were being shouted from across the room, there were many answers which included passion, affection, kindness, & support. However, the presenter made an interesting observation -- for all of these qualities to truly occur, there is a common factor, which no one addressed: ATTENTION.

In order for passion, affection kindness and support to actually happen, there needs to be attention focused on the other person. Keeping this in mind, the presenter's definition of love was the "unconditional gift of attention to another." As you pay attention to your partner & vice versa, the other components fall into place.

So, mulling this over, now think about times where you have withheld attention from your partner and then wonder why you feel so disconnected that you aren't having physical intimacy or closeness. Then think about those times when you demonstrate a desire to pay attention to your partner. They probably respond more lovingly and connected. So, if you're not demonstrating to your partner love through paying them loving attention, it's easy to see why you may not be feeling connected to them. You have the opportunity to change this starting today!

Who's Need is it Anyway?

When you see your partner struggling, how do you handle it? Do you support your partner? Or do you try to save them from their struggle? If you're trying to save them, it's time to take a step back and look at your motivations. How do you know your partner wants to be saved?

During a partner's struggle, if you find yourself trying to "fix" the problem, yet your partner hasn't indicated they want to be helped, then most likely your motivations are based on your needs rather than what your partner needs from you. The danger in this is you establish an unhealthy dynamic where you can become a "crutch" to your partner: a type of dependence that prevents your partner from being an individual because your need to "fix" them becomes more important than allowing your partner to have an opportunity for growth and self-exploration.

Sure, it's difficult to see someone you care about struggle. Rather than jumping in and trying to save them, ask them how you can help. They may just need you to be a sounding board. Maybe they need feedback from you. However, they may just require space to struggle, or they may demonstrate they don't want your help & are willing to struggle regardless of the cost. In those instances, you have to be strong enough to take a step back and let them struggle. This can be extremely difficult, and self-care will become essential so you don't try to "save" your partner if they don't want to be saved.

The Impact of Honesty

What does honesty mean to you? How do you feel when you learn your partner isn't honest with you? Hurt? Betrayed? How do you feel when you aren't honest with your partner? Guilty? Ashamed? Anxious? As you notice, the emotions associated with a lack of honesty aren't positive and can cause a breakdown in communication and trust. So then why aren't people more honest with their partners?

It seems the #1 reason is the fear of how their partner will react if they hear the truth. There's a fear of disappointing their partner, or may not want to invoke an argument with their partner, so they believe the dishonesty will be better for all concerned; however, the fact is that while the truth may trigger hurt feelings or an argument, finding out your partner was not honest with you can have longer, and more severe, impacts in the long-run.

A second reason someone might lie is to maintain a behavior they aren't ready to give up. This is also known as "having your cake and eating it too." In such cases, they want to be able to "keep you" in the relationship, but they want to also continue engaging in the negative behaviors. This kind of lifestyle ultimately can destroy a relationship, unless you agree to tolerate it.

In either case, honesty is an important component of a relationship. The lack of honesty can erode the very foundation of a healthy relationship and ultimately will cause ongoing suspicion, turbulence and unhealthy behaviors from both people in the relationship.

Rescuing Others vs. Rescuing Yourself

There is a reason when someone is drowning, a life preserver is thrown to the person rather than another person jumping in after them. Why? Because when someone is drowning, they will climb upon whatever they can to try to keep themselves afloat, usually at the risk of whatever they're climbing upon. If it happens to be another person, the danger of both the rescuer and rescuee drowning.

If you are in a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, depression, or even an addiction, there may be times where you will watch your partner struggle & even feel like they're drowning. You may deal with periods of helplessness or hopelessness when they make decisions that you don't agree with. You want them to follow doctor's orders or treatment guidelines, but they don't want to. You may feel compelled to give them their medications or make their doctor appointments, in order to keep them compliant with their treatment. Have you ever asked yourself why you care more about them getting better than they do themselves? If so, read on...

Because you care about your partner, you want to do whatever you can in order to help them. The problem is you're exhausted trying to convince them to take care of themselves. You're attempts to rescue them can easily result in burning out because you're trying to rescue someone who might not want to be rescued. So then the question becomes: Why does rescuing your partner become more important than rescuing yourself? There is a difference between providing healthy support to a partner in need and trying to rescue them from their own situation. At some point, your partner has to take responsibility for themselves. Doing the work for them will not help them get better and it increases the potential of your own burnout. Take care of yourself and, in turn, you'll be able to be stronger for your partner.

Supportive vs. Rescuing

If you've ever had a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, it's easy to feel helpless, especially if your partner is struggling or isn't taking their treatment seriously. There is a fine line between supporting your partner and trying to rescue them. It's important to realize you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You can; however, support them towards following their treatment plan. So how can you help? Ask how you can help in being supportive. Listen to their response and determine if their response is reasonable. If it is, and you're willing, then do it!

In addition, make sure you're getting the support you need to maintain your own source of strength. Caring for another can be taxing and at times, downright exhausting. By making sure you're maintaining a level of self-care and accessing your own support system, you'll be more apt to provide consistent support for your partner. So make sure you're not neglecting yourself when you're helping another. And realize the difference between providing support & trying to work harder than your partner with an illness that you have no control over. It'll make a world of difference in your relationship.

Keeping the "Wind in Your Sails"

This week, I had a client who was really excited by something she had accomplished. In sharing with her partner, his (what she perceived as a ) less-than-enthusiastic response resulted in his "taking the wind out of [her] sails." It's common to want support from our partners; however, it is important to remember just because your partner may not experience the same level of excitement or emotion doesn't mean they aren't supportive and doesn't mean your information is any less worthy. You have a right to your opinions, feelings and experiences just as much as your partner does.

So, the next time you recognize your partner isn't as enthusiastic or as interested in a specific topic as you would like, rather than allowing the "wind" to be knocked out of your "sails," give yourself permission to continue to relish in your feelings and express to your partner why this topic is important to you, in order to provide your partner a better understanding of your perspective of the situation. Respecting each other's differences and learning how to work among those differences are important keys to a good relationship.

A Gesture A Day

You've heard of the adage, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?" This is considered preventative medicine. What do you do for preventative medicine for your relationship? A small gesture everyday can make a world of difference as you let your partner know how you feel about them. Whether it's snuggling a bit in bed before starting your day, leaving them a love note or even just reaching for their hand & squeezing it as you're walking together, such gestures demonstrate to your partner that your involved in the relationship and you're happy to be together.

What Are You "Really" Arguing About?

Have you ever noticed how you want to discuss something important to you, but in presenting it to your partner, you realize your issue has been skirted and now you're talking about conflicts that might have happened a week, a month or even years ago? How did it go South so quickly? How did unrelated topics get brought into the original conversation? Trying to yell over one another and bringing in unrelated topics can be destructive and hurtful. Here's some ideas to make your discussions more productive:

1) Write out specifically what you want to say. This will help you remain focused and stay on task.
2) Don't read off the entire list and expect your partner to absorb it all, especially if your requests are going to focus on your partner's behaviors.
3) Read one item at a time and discuss each item separately. If either of you begin to demonstrate any defensiveness, postpone the conversation, and the list, for a later time, to give each of you a chance to process what has been said so far and to calm yourselves down so you can resume your discussion.