30 Days at a Time

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

If you believe your relationship isn't going the way you want it, rather than focusing on your partner, examine what you might be doing to contribute to the problem. It's easy to get caught up on your partner's actions... they aren't paying enough attention to you.. they may work longer hours than necessary.. they may not help enough around the house. Blame and accusations ensue & you might feel hopeless, but let's look at the other side of things.

What might you be doing that prevents your partner from wanting to spend time with you? What behaviors might you show your partner that discourages them from helping you around the house? It's easy to believe you want your relationship to be the best it can be, but only if your partner changes their ways. However, your partner will have no motivation to make changes if you continually engage in ways that upset them to begin with. Start with yourself & the changes that need to be made without worrying about your partner's faults... you'll get a lot further in your relationship.

Acceptance

This week, I came across this anonymous quote regarding relationships. I found it very poignant, about unconditional acceptance of your partner. Too often, we try to change our partners to conform to our own comfort levels, rather than accepting our partners for who they are.

‎"Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restricting. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free...will never fly away." - Anonymous

Is It REALLY Over?

Sometimes couples end a relationship when they don't think there's any hope for change or improvement. They say they've "tried everything," but really, "everything" is probably more limited than they think. They tend to continually try the same things over and over, expecting different results. As a result, frustration sets in and arguments get worse or the silence gets more pronounced.

If this sounds like your relationship, there's still hope. It's easy to think you've "done everything," but have you "really" considered all the possibilities? Or have you limited yourself? This is where counseling can be beneficial. The process of counseling can help you explore new avenues on how to relate to your partner, acquire new tools and enhance the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Getting a relationship off on the right foot may feel really easy in some ways. You seem to be able to talk for hours, you enjoy every waking moment together, and you may even begin to have some conversations of what the future may hold for the two of you. It's almost like you are a match made in heaven.

You don't want to dismiss these feelings, but at the same time, you want to make sure you approaching this relationship from a healthy viewpoint. It's easy to overlook or dismiss the other person's quirks or faults because you're so enjoying the time together. If you live further apart and are only spending intermittent weekends with one another, then each face-to-face meeting can feel like a mini-honeymoon as you reconnect. If you've recently broken up with someone, you may idealize this new relationship because they seem to have "everything" your last partner didn't.

Make sure you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground during this time. It feels great to revel in new feelings of hope and intense connection, but don't sacrifice what you are looking for in a relationship for these feelings. They subside a bit with time and comfortability, yet the character flaws you overlooked early in the beginning will still be there and now they aren't so easy to overlook. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open, evaluating all parts of the relationship. The right one will not cause you to "settle" for something you don't have to settle for.

What is a Relationship?

Let's look at this at the most basic level. Two people meet, the decide there's enough compatibility to move forward and enter into a relationship. They become exclusive and within a period of time, the relationship may become flat, arguments may occur, or unwanted behaviors begin to surface. So what changed? How is it 2 people who entered into this relationship ends up having such problems? Actually, it's more obvious than you might think...

When people enter into a relationship, they tend to go with their feelings... that "spark" or "click." What tends to be overlooked are the "terms" of the relationship. What does "exclusive mean"? How often do you want to see each other? How often do you expect to have sex? Do you want to be kissed in the morning? Do you want to hear "I love you" before you go to sleep? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who will do the laundry? This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it goes to show how many of the "details" aren't addressed when people jump into a relationship. It's when these "terms" come to the surface, that people start to realize their first instincts about one another may be the right ones.

So what's a couple to do? Well, negotiating all "terms" of the relationship as they come to the surface is the best way to work out differences. So come to the "table" and be open, honest and talk about what it is you are willing to agree to... only until each point is negotiated and agreed upon can you move forward. It's also to remember that, like a contract, relationships need to be revisited periodically as the dynamics of your relationship changes.

Selective Honesty

Relationships require trust. Building trust requires forthrightness & honesty. Any time you choose to withhold information that could potentially impact the relationship, you are stealing your partner's choice and causing damage to the relationship. Withholding the information may seem like the right thing to do, because it might save your partner from pain, prevent an "unnecessary" argument, or keep your partner from thinking poorly of you. Really though, those withholdings start to chip away at the foundation of trust in the relationship, especially if your partner begins to learn of the inconsistencies in your stories. The result is really everything you were trying to avoid in the first place!! Arguments WILL ensue, your partner will be upset and your partner may start to become suspicious of your actions and motives.

So while it may seem easier in the short-term to withhold information from your partner, ultimately that act can snowball into something much more damaging to a relationship. Learn to be upfront with yourself and your partner in a productive way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Love & Autonomy

I had an interesting issue arise in a session this week that I thought I'd share. A client came to a realization regarding her motivations for staying with someone, who she absolutely knew wasn't right for her. In speaking with her, she admitted the reason for staying in the relationship with her partner wasn't just because she had strong emotional feelings for this person, but because without his presence, she would feel less "important" in her life. As we explored her process, she came to the realization that staying with her partner was actually her need to calm her internal anxiety when she thought about ending the relationship. Basically, she had been willing to stay in this relationship to keep her anxiety at bay, more than doing what she needed to do to be honest with herself.

I see this often with clients. Ask yourself how many times you've had uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, guilt, fear, etc.) and have acted upon them, such as by calling an ex because you still "love them," picking a fight with your partner, trying to cuddle up to your partner when you really don't want to, etc. Sometimes, we will calm our negative emotions through sabotaging behaviors just to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. This is just a quick "fix" to calming those emotions, but it doesn't solve the problem. Furthermore, it can result in almost an "addictive" pattern, in that the more you get the response you want from your partner, the more you will continue in these self-sabotaging behaviors each time you have a "rush" of emotions.

Instead, if you begin to experience uncomfortable emotions, love yourself and give yourself permission to experience those emotions. Yes... they ARE uncomfortable, but by experiencing them rather than acting on them, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to depend on yourself to heal and overcome them, rather than depending on another and possibly sabotaging your relationship & your autonomy.