Celebrating your Relationship

With the holidays upon us, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity: parties, decorating, gift-giving, shopping, wrapping, etc. We have annual traditions in place: Christmas Eve with the family, Christmas morning with the kids, Christmas dinner with the neighbors. How do you celebrate the tradition of your relationship?

Your relationship should be celebrated everyday, even in the smallest way. The traditions do not need to be costly or need to be time consuming. The traditions only need to be heartfelt and demonstrate some expression of the love you have for each other in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your relationship deserves daily nurturing and attention. Love is the gift of attention. Your relationship deserves nothing less.

Happy holidays!

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Listen to your Gut

Have you ever had a natural instinct to walk away from a bad situation, or jump on a great opportunity, but you remain stagnant because you're fearful of the unknown? Sometimes our gut, or inner voice, sends us loud signals to venture forth on a path than we expect or hope for. It can be as valuable as Pinocchio's "Jiminy Cricket" and usually won't lead you astray if you really listen to what it's trying to tell you and realize that you gut is letting you know how a given situation may be in your best interest, even if you cannot understand why in the moment, or may tell you to leave a bad event, even if you want to stay.

Listen to your gut... see what it has to tell you... it's a stronger force than you might believe.

Letting People Know What You Need

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

Discussing the "Tough Stuff"

You know the 3 top issues that couples tend to fight the most about (not in any particular order): children, sex, and money. These 3 topics tend to trigger the most tension because people have such deep connections & beliefs about them; however, they are still an important part of a relationship and it's important such topics aren't avoided.

So how can you minimize such conflicts? Begin talking about them BEFORE it becomes an issue. Talk about the value of money (how you like to save/spend/etc.), how you want to raise the children, likes & dislikes in the bedroom as soon as possible! Don't wait until you find yourselves confronted with the issue. If you're dating and see your relationship going towards a serious path, discuss these issues NOW. If you're already married, continue such discussions as they come up for either one of you.

Having ongoing discussions about your expectations will help you understand your partner and yourself better in relating to one another & enhance your relationship.

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Contingencies - A Relationship Killer

This week, I saw a lot of couples who believed, "If you want me to do 'XYZ', then you should do 'ABC' for me." When their partner didn't respond as they expected, they admitted to withholding the behavior/effort they initially put forth. In a relationship, this can result in a reduction in the positive feelings and connections you want to have with your partner. Your partner may not be responding in kind not out of malice nor intent, but out of tiredness, stress, or plain forgetfulness.

If you're basing positive connections on contingencies (like sex, a date night, or the like), then think about this: not only are you "punishing" your partner for not reciprocating, but you're denying yourself the activities you enjoy spending with your partner. While your connection may be "off," you are causing further distance and damage. Instead of contingencies, talk to your partner about your concerns about your efforts and the responses you're getting vs. the responses you'd like to see. Listen to your partner's responses and see if there's ways for the 2 of you to grow closer, rather than putting up obstacles that will cause you to grow further apart.

Claim your Space

Nurturing your relationship and quality time is important. However, it is equally important to nurture yourself as individuals. Take time occasionally for yourself away from your spouse. Go out with friends...get involved with a hobby...whatever interests you have, foster them. It gives you a chance to regain your identity separate from your relationship, and provides you opportunities to share more with your partner at the same time!

What Does it Really Take?

I hear constantly from couples that they need to be working 50/50 for their relationship to work; but is that really the case? If each of you are putting in 50%, then both of you are only working to 1/2 of your potential. Really, this results in a relationship built on contingencies, where you need to depend on one another to create the 100%... "If you're not going to do your 50%, then why should I do mine?" This is a recipe for relationship disaster, when you're looking to your partner for the motivation to change.

Instead, try looking at your efforts as needing to be 100/100. If each of you are consistently putting a 100% into the relationship, then your efforts aren't contingent upon your partner's efforts to become whole. At 100%, you're already whole, and don't need to depend on your partner to make the changes within yourself. You can put 100% of the effort in knowing you're giving it your all. If your partner wants to make this relationship work, then hopefully they are committed to their own 100%. If they aren't, then you have the opportunity to decide what is going to feel best to you. Either way, it's about giving the relationship your all, not just 1/2 of you...

Where do YOU fit in?

There seems to be a common belief that the children must come first in a person's life. To some degree this is true, as the infant is completely dependent on you for everything: feedings, attention, clothing, changing, etc. However, many couples take this to an extreme, resulting in a disconnect in their relationship. While you never want to neglect the needs of a child, you also do not want to neglect your own needs... you're only as good of a caretaker to another as you caretake of yourself.

Prior to children, you might have been a wife/husband, employee, and good friend. Adding in a role of parent may be a juggle, but that additional role should not replace the other roles altogether. If you find you have completely given up other roles to add in the role of the parent, it's time to start doing something different. Reconnect with friends, have a date night with your partner, let your partner take care of the children for a few hours and engage in yoga classes. Whatever you do, it's important NOT to lose yourself in the role of parenthood. At some point, your children will be grown and out of the house, keeping your sense of self in tact will help you with all the transitions in life that face you.

Balance is Key

Do you find yourself feeling burned out after putting extra effort into one part of your life? For example, after a big project deadline has passed or after putting together your child's birthday party? Part of the reason this burnout phenomenon occurs is because we tend to over-focus on the issue that feels most pressing to us at the expense of other projects or activities we may enjoy. This occurs often in the long term for couples after having children, which is the reason so many couples have trouble connecting after the children have grown up and left the home.

So what's the answer? If something pressing is facing you, it's important to remember there's other parts of your life that shouldn't be ignored. You may not be able to actively engage in them the way you would without the looming deadline or circumstance over your head, but it doesn't mean you should disregard your life altogether for the sake of the current stress. Take time for yourself, for your relationship, for your family in the smallest ways. It will make a HUGE difference in your overall health and well-being, not to mention maintaining a better connection with your partner.

Take it ALL in

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

Friendship

Relationships can be enhanced by your circle of friends. The types of relationships you have with others outside your relationship can be a direct mirror to the type of relationship you have with your partner. Your friendships can provide you with an outlet that your partner may not be able to provide. For example, you may have interests that your partner has little interest in, such as a sport or a physical activity, like hiking.

Seeking healthy outlets to pursue interests provide you with some time to reconnect with yourself and your identity, as well as an opportunity to bring new experiences to the relationship. It also takes the pressure off of your partner to be your entire support system, which can become isolating & stifling to the relationship.

Love & Autonomy

I had an interesting issue arise in a session this week that I thought I'd share. A client came to a realization regarding her motivations for staying with someone, who she absolutely knew wasn't right for her. In speaking with her, she admitted the reason for staying in the relationship with her partner wasn't just because she had strong emotional feelings for this person, but because without his presence, she would feel less "important" in her life. As we explored her process, she came to the realization that staying with her partner was actually her need to calm her internal anxiety when she thought about ending the relationship. Basically, she had been willing to stay in this relationship to keep her anxiety at bay, more than doing what she needed to do to be honest with herself.

I see this often with clients. Ask yourself how many times you've had uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, guilt, fear, etc.) and have acted upon them, such as by calling an ex because you still "love them," picking a fight with your partner, trying to cuddle up to your partner when you really don't want to, etc. Sometimes, we will calm our negative emotions through sabotaging behaviors just to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. This is just a quick "fix" to calming those emotions, but it doesn't solve the problem. Furthermore, it can result in almost an "addictive" pattern, in that the more you get the response you want from your partner, the more you will continue in these self-sabotaging behaviors each time you have a "rush" of emotions.

Instead, if you begin to experience uncomfortable emotions, love yourself and give yourself permission to experience those emotions. Yes... they ARE uncomfortable, but by experiencing them rather than acting on them, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to depend on yourself to heal and overcome them, rather than depending on another and possibly sabotaging your relationship & your autonomy.

What is Love?

I recently went to a seminar on couples counseling. The presenter had asked the entire room what their definition of love was. As answers were being shouted from across the room, there were many answers which included passion, affection, kindness, & support. However, the presenter made an interesting observation -- for all of these qualities to truly occur, there is a common factor, which no one addressed: ATTENTION.

In order for passion, affection kindness and support to actually happen, there needs to be attention focused on the other person. Keeping this in mind, the presenter's definition of love was the "unconditional gift of attention to another." As you pay attention to your partner & vice versa, the other components fall into place.

So, mulling this over, now think about times where you have withheld attention from your partner and then wonder why you feel so disconnected that you aren't having physical intimacy or closeness. Then think about those times when you demonstrate a desire to pay attention to your partner. They probably respond more lovingly and connected. So, if you're not demonstrating to your partner love through paying them loving attention, it's easy to see why you may not be feeling connected to them. You have the opportunity to change this starting today!

Who's Need is it Anyway?

When you see your partner struggling, how do you handle it? Do you support your partner? Or do you try to save them from their struggle? If you're trying to save them, it's time to take a step back and look at your motivations. How do you know your partner wants to be saved?

During a partner's struggle, if you find yourself trying to "fix" the problem, yet your partner hasn't indicated they want to be helped, then most likely your motivations are based on your needs rather than what your partner needs from you. The danger in this is you establish an unhealthy dynamic where you can become a "crutch" to your partner: a type of dependence that prevents your partner from being an individual because your need to "fix" them becomes more important than allowing your partner to have an opportunity for growth and self-exploration.

Sure, it's difficult to see someone you care about struggle. Rather than jumping in and trying to save them, ask them how you can help. They may just need you to be a sounding board. Maybe they need feedback from you. However, they may just require space to struggle, or they may demonstrate they don't want your help & are willing to struggle regardless of the cost. In those instances, you have to be strong enough to take a step back and let them struggle. This can be extremely difficult, and self-care will become essential so you don't try to "save" your partner if they don't want to be saved.

Your Relationship Starts with YOU

Most of these weekly tips focus on being relating to your partner, but this week's tip focuses on an even more important relationship... the one you have with yourself!

It's important to know yourself... what you're willing to tolerate... what you can accept... and the boundaries & values that you're not willing to compromise on. If you have "dealbreakers" it's important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) as to how you will deal with these issues should they arise within your relationship. So what do you do if you're confronted with these dealbreakers? Well, ultimately it's your decision and you have to be honest with yourself and determine if you can truly accept the behavior that you originally said you couldn't live with. Your values might have changed, or your circumstances have changed, so tolerating the "dealbreaker" may be more livable. However, there may be circumstances where you may have to decide that you absolutely cannot accept.

So what are you willing to do in those cases? This is where you have to start with the relationship with yourself. You may be able to set & maintain healthy boundaries and remain in the relationship successfully. You may have to make a tough decision to walk away from the relationship altogether. Whatever you decide, know that being honest with yourself, maintaining your integrity and recognizing the importance of self-respect, living with a relationship that challenges your integrity and self-respect will lead to self-resentment, which won't make your relationship easier.

Be true to yourself... be true to your partner... be true to the relationship.

Setting Boundaries

When your partner is continually treating you in a manner you find disrespectful, how do you handle it? Do you ask them stop? Do you throw out "threats" if they don't stop? Do you follow through with your consequences? If you feel like you're constantly asking over and again for your partner to cease the behaviors, but there's no consequences for their actions, then by what reason do they have to stop?

Sometimes, your decision NOT to take any action conveys a message to your partner that you're willing to tolerate (or even accept!) the negative behaviors. So what can you do? First, determine what you're willing to do if your partner treats you in a disrespectful way. Ignore the behavior? Disengage from the situation? And maybe even be willing to leave the relationship if the behaviors are extreme? Second, calmly let your partner know how their behaviors affect you and what you need to do to respect yourself. Then, follow through with what you decide if your partner doesn't respect your boundaries. It may be difficult, but consider this:

Why would someone respect your boundaries if you're not willing to respect yourself first?

Supportive vs. Rescuing

If you've ever had a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, it's easy to feel helpless, especially if your partner is struggling or isn't taking their treatment seriously. There is a fine line between supporting your partner and trying to rescue them. It's important to realize you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You can; however, support them towards following their treatment plan. So how can you help? Ask how you can help in being supportive. Listen to their response and determine if their response is reasonable. If it is, and you're willing, then do it!

In addition, make sure you're getting the support you need to maintain your own source of strength. Caring for another can be taxing and at times, downright exhausting. By making sure you're maintaining a level of self-care and accessing your own support system, you'll be more apt to provide consistent support for your partner. So make sure you're not neglecting yourself when you're helping another. And realize the difference between providing support & trying to work harder than your partner with an illness that you have no control over. It'll make a world of difference in your relationship.

Keeping the "Wind in Your Sails"

This week, I had a client who was really excited by something she had accomplished. In sharing with her partner, his (what she perceived as a ) less-than-enthusiastic response resulted in his "taking the wind out of [her] sails." It's common to want support from our partners; however, it is important to remember just because your partner may not experience the same level of excitement or emotion doesn't mean they aren't supportive and doesn't mean your information is any less worthy. You have a right to your opinions, feelings and experiences just as much as your partner does.

So, the next time you recognize your partner isn't as enthusiastic or as interested in a specific topic as you would like, rather than allowing the "wind" to be knocked out of your "sails," give yourself permission to continue to relish in your feelings and express to your partner why this topic is important to you, in order to provide your partner a better understanding of your perspective of the situation. Respecting each other's differences and learning how to work among those differences are important keys to a good relationship.

A Gesture A Day

You've heard of the adage, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?" This is considered preventative medicine. What do you do for preventative medicine for your relationship? A small gesture everyday can make a world of difference as you let your partner know how you feel about them. Whether it's snuggling a bit in bed before starting your day, leaving them a love note or even just reaching for their hand & squeezing it as you're walking together, such gestures demonstrate to your partner that your involved in the relationship and you're happy to be together.