Discussing the "Tough Stuff"

You know the 3 top issues that couples tend to fight the most about (not in any particular order): children, sex, and money. These 3 topics tend to trigger the most tension because people have such deep connections & beliefs about them; however, they are still an important part of a relationship and it's important such topics aren't avoided.

So how can you minimize such conflicts? Begin talking about them BEFORE it becomes an issue. Talk about the value of money (how you like to save/spend/etc.), how you want to raise the children, likes & dislikes in the bedroom as soon as possible! Don't wait until you find yourselves confronted with the issue. If you're dating and see your relationship going towards a serious path, discuss these issues NOW. If you're already married, continue such discussions as they come up for either one of you.

Having ongoing discussions about your expectations will help you understand your partner and yourself better in relating to one another & enhance your relationship.

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Having Realistic Expectations

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Getting the Most Out of Counseling

If you've never been to counseling before, you may wonder what to expect out of the process. Counseling requires hard work, not in the way of using physical exertion, but more of working towards your goals. Wait! That means you need to have goals! So, you're going to counseling. What do you want to get out of it? What would you like to accomplish from your time with your therapist? How will you know when you're finished with your therapist? If you give yourself an opportunity to think about these questions and discuss them with your counselor, you'll be able to determine an appropriate path towards accomplishing your goals.

Now your goals are set and you have worked out a plan with your counselor. Now the work begins. Your counselor cannot do the work for you. This is your life and your responsibility to change it. Your counselor can provide you with tools to help you change your life, but if you aren't actively using these tools, you won't get very far and begin to get frustrated with your counselor and the therapy process.

Look at it this way. Your counseling sessions are only 45-50 minutes a week. This means you have an additional 6 days, 23 hours and 10 minutes before your next session. This provides you with ample opportunity to take what you've learned in your counseling and apply it in your everyday life. It's real easy to take the stance of "Out of sight, out of mind." However, your life isn't either. Your life is always in sight and staring you in the face. You now have the opportunity to take control and do something with it. You're paying good money to see this therapist. You owe it to yourself (and your wallet) to put the work into it.

If your feeling challenged by the work or the process is bringing up uncomfortable feelings, inform your counselor! It helps your counselor to know how you're reacting to the therapy. If you feel like you're hitting a wall each time you make the attempt to do the work and don't inform your counselor, that wall will feel bigger and higher trying to do it on your own. The counselor can help you process and work through what you're experiencing.

Counseling definitely follows the adage, "You get out of it what you put into it." Put your "all" into it and you'll have a better chance for therapeutic success!

I Have My First Appointment - What to Expect

So you've made the decision to get some counseling. Good for you! Counseling is an extremely beneficial means to obtaining support, guidance and a safe outlet to explore and overcome struggles, which may be plaguing you. Now you might be asking, "What will happen when I get there?"

You may need to attend your first appointment a bit early to complete intake paperwork. Like visiting a new doctor for the first time, there is paperwork which needs to be filled out. With the age of technology, some therapists have their intake paperwork online for you to download and complete. Your therapist will provide you with instructions as to what will be required from you.

Upon getting to the office, you might see a wall panel with your therapist's name and a light switch next to their name. Go ahead and flip that wall switch. The light indicates to the therapist of a client in the waiting room. At this point, have a seat and wait. If you need to complete the intake paperwork, now is the time to fill it out. Your therapist will leave out a clipboard for you with all the paperwork for you to review and complete.

At this time, your therapist will come out to the waiting room and take you back to their office. Their office may look like a living room, with couches and chairs. Ultimately, it should feel comfortable. Have a seat!

The therapist will ask you why you're seeking therapy, how they can be of help to you, and let you know of any policies, which will help you understand the process of therapy. Ultimately, it's a "get to know you" session. Some therapists may need to know specific information and ask specific questions. Others may give you the floor to discuss your needs, concerns and expectations.

However your therapist directs the session, allow yourself an opportunity to notice how you're feeling about the environment and the therapist. This is your time to see if the therapist is the right "fit" for you. If you don't feel comfortable, let the therapist know. They are trained to process your feelings with you and together, you may determine the "fit" isn't right. There's nothing wrong with this. Finding the right "fit" is the most important dynamic of the counseling relationship. Give yourself the opportunity to find your "fit." You'll know when it's right for you.