Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

The End of a Relationship

While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.

Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.

Your Counselor's License

In any profession, you have the good eggs and the bad apples. When looking for a counselor, you want to know your therapist holds a license with their respective state and they are in good standing with their licensing board. Why is this important? Therapy is a unique relationship. You leave yourself vulnerable to you can rebuild yourself and heal. You want to know the person you choose to go through this process is ethical and understands the laws, so you can remain safe.

Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.

The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!

What Do You Want to Know?

Is there something you would like to know about the therapy process that I haven't addressed?

Now is the time and this is the place to ask!

Leave your questions in the comments section at the end of this post and I'll add them to my blog in the form of an entry!

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

**Please note, my responses cannot be replaced for therapy and if you're in therapy, I request you address any concerns with your therapist directly.

Paying for Therapy--Should I Use Insurance?

A major concern people have about counseling is the fees. Therapists may charge anywhere from $75 to $150/hour. That is a lot of money! Then, if you're going weekly or even twice a week, it can add up quickly. You have insurance and you pay a lot for your premiums. So, you may be asking, "Why shouldn't I use my insurance?" It is best you understand the risks and benefits of using health insurance therapy before making a decision that may have negative consequences. Let's look at what using insurance may mean for you:

The Benefits

•Co-payments tend to be very low.
•Some insurance plans may relieve you of a co-payment altogether!

The Risks

•You must qualify for a mental disorder diagnosis, which would have to be disclosed to your insurance panel. The diagnosis becomes the focus of your therapy, rather than the reason you contacted your therapist in the first place.

•If you are trying to apply for life/disability insurance/private health insurance, your company will need to have access to any prior health information, which includes whatever mental disorder diagnosis provided during your therapy. This can effect eligibility and premiums.

•Depending on your plan, insurance panels may have case managers consult with your therapist to get ongoing sessions authorized. This case manager will ultimately decide whether your therapy is a "medical necessity." If they decide your therapy doesn't meet the criteria for "medical necessity," they can terminate your treatment benefits, possibly prematurely.

•Insurance companies may recommend you go in for a medication evaluation to determine if it would be beneficial to your treatment, even if it's not part of the treatment plan you and your therapist have agreed upon.

What This Means to You

Only you can determine whether the calculated risks to use insurance would be beneficial or not. If you want to keep your issues private and the paper trail to a minimum, look at the risks and benefits of using your insurance to pay for your therapy and determine if it is the right course of treatment for you.

While therapy can be an expensive venture, for many people, their therapy is fairly short-term, usually anywhere from 8 to 20 sessions, depending on the presenting issues, how much those issues are impacting your life and how hard you are willing to work to overcome the problem.

Whatever you decide, look at your options, what you want to get out of treatment, and ask your therapist about your options. Do your own research and make educated choices.

Is My Problem Therapy-Appropriate?

I hear this question a lot. New clients will call and start off our conversation with, "I know you probably have more important clients with more critical issues, but I don't know where else to turn." It always amazes me how people don't believe their issue is important enough to seek help themselves.

Well, here is some reassurance. People cope differently in reaction to situations. Something that may stress one person out may easily roll off of your back. In turn, you may find yourself having difficulty dealing with a particular situation, but you see others sail through the stress with ease.

Regardless, if you're finding you're having difficulty dealing with a particular issue or relationship, and the inability to cope with the problem is impacting your ability to carry out your normal daily routine, then it's time to do something about it. You have a right to be happy within your life, whatever that means or looks like to you.

Reaching out for help is not a weakness, but in fact a strength. It's the strength of knowing your limitations and recognizing getting help will allow you to heal faster, rather than trying to work through the problem on your own, only to realize that you're sinking fast.

So, if you are doubting as to whether or not your issue is important enough for therapy, ask yourself this:

Am I succeeding at overcoming the problem myself?
What will it take for me to recognize I need help to get my life back in order?

Remember: Only strength allows you to take one step at a time.

Why am I Requested to Fill Out Paperwork at the First Session?

You took the first step. You picked up the phone and called a counselor. The first appointment is set. The therapist may request you come in early to complete paperwork or some are now email the paperwork to you, so you can fill it out in the comfort of your own home. You see the packet...you cannot believe how much paperwork there is to complete! It begins to feel overwhelming. Why do some therapists have you complete paperwork while others don't?

In the world of insurance and lawsuits, now more than ever many therapists are outlining their policies and procedures to protect you, the client, and themselves. If all the policies are spelled out, then you know exactly what to expect from the therapist and the therapeutic process. From a therapist's point-of-view, clients can feel anxious and overwhelmed coming into the first session and may not remember the policies discussed. For this reason, many therapists will require you complete the paperwork.

Another possible reason for the paperwork is the HIPAA (Health Information Portability and Accountability Act) laws, which went into effect in April 2003. As clients choose to use their insurance for counseling, therapists are turning to the internet to expedite billing procedures. Therapists who are utilizing the internet to bill for services must become HIPAA-compliant, which requires the therapist provide you with a copy of the Notice of Privacy Practices (NPP), which discusses how your health information can and cannot be used. The therapist is mandated to obtain a signature from you demonstrating you received such a copy. This doesn't mean you agree with the policy, only that you've received one.

But what if I'm not using my insurance? I'm just paying for therapy out-of-pocket. According to HIPAA law, regardless of the means of pay, if the clinician must be HIPAA-compliant, then they have to provide all clients with an NPP and treat their information according to HIPAA laws.

All in all, the paperwork, while it may seem unnecessary, protects you, the therapist and may be required by law.

Confidentiality & Counseling

You enter into a counseling relationship to begin a journey of personal growth and overcome obstacles preventing you from achieving your goals. This journey entails the disclosure of very personal information and you want to make sure you can trust the therapist to uphold your confidentiality.

You need to know the parameters of confidentiality BEFORE you start therapy. Most therapists will inform you of these parameters at the first session. In most circumstances, your confidentiality will be upheld. As I say to my clients, "What is said in this room, stays in this room." However, there are exceptions that most therapists must adhere to. Some of these may vary by state, so make sure you check with your therapist:

Legal Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:

•Child abuse or neglect
•Elder abuse or neglect
•Dependent adult abuse or neglect
•Serious threats to harm others
•A court order compelling a therapist to testify or release therapeutic information to the court.

Other/Ethical Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:
•Serious threats to harm yourself
•Case consultation with other mental health professionals for the benefit of your therapy
•Implementing a "no-secrets" policy, which is utilized in couples and family therapy to prevent members of the family from forcing the therapist to withhold secrets from other family members, which can be harmful to the therapy.

The best action you can take is to speak with your therapist at the onset of therapy about their limits of confidentiality policies, so you are aware of the parameters that protect your rights as a client.

What If I Feel My Therapy Isn't Working?

Do you go to therapy wondering what you're going to talk about? Do you feel like you're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Feeling discouraged that you're constantly taking one step forward but 3 steps back in therapy?

Therapy requires time, patience and work, but you probably don't want to feel like you will be in therapy forever. If you're feeling discouraged, it's real easy to call your therapist, cancel the appointment and never reschedule. But is it really the best decision for you? Could be....maybe not.

Therapy is a complicated art. There are many factors which contribute to the success or failure of therapy, the main factor is the rapport between the therapist and yourself. Other factors include: your commitment to therapy and yourself, the therapist's competence and confidence in their own skills, the issues you bring to the table and the length of time you've been dealing with the problems, just to name a few.

Dropping out may prevent you from facing the problems that brought you to therapy in the first place. So what do you do?

First, talk to your therapist as soon as you start to feel discouraged. Let your therapist know how you're feeling, what you are seeing is happening with the therapy, and what your expectations are. Opening this channel of communication helps the therapist understand what you are wanting and an open discussion of your needs and expectations can be laid out on the table.

After having such a discussion, you and your therapist can lay out a new treatment plan addressing your concerns, which may include additional resources in addition to therapy such as support groups, medical evaluations, etc. After processing all your options, you may agree transferring to another therapist may be needed. If this is the case, your therapist should be able to provide you with appropriate referrals so you can continue your journey.

Can I Be Friends with my Therapist?

Many people seek counseling due to some sort of crisis within their lives. They seek out someone neutral, objective, like a counselor, because their family and friends provide advice based on emotions and the connection with the person.

Once in counseling, you may start to have feelings for your therapist. This is very common. You start to feel like you really could like being friends with them. You feel like the therapist understands you and really listens to you. They may laugh with you n sessions, they allow you to cry when you need to. They accept you for where you're at. As a result, you may want to see your therapist over lunch, at a coffee shop, etc.

The California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (CAMFT) establishes the Code of Ethics. They state, therapists should not engage "in a close personal relationship with a patient" as it may skew the therapy. Is this person now your friend or your therapist? How do they maintain that professionalism? Are you now paying your therapist or a good friend to help you? It can all become confusing and counterproductive.

Another issue is your relationship wasn't based on the makings of a friendship. Counseling is a business transaction with personal impacts. How much do you know about your therapist, really? Friendships are struck based on commonalities, such as interests, likes/dislikes, and personal experiences. How much of these things do you know about your therapist? Probably not as much as you think. Therapists don't disclose too much about themselves during your sessions. They can be likable people, but it doesn't mean you know that much of their lives outside the office.

CAMFT recommends a 2-year waiting rule to be extended to all types of relationships with clients, including friendships. There are several reasons for this. First, you may decide to return shortly after ending the therapy, which is common. Second, there is a belief that if a client and therapist want to engage in a relationship (friendship or otherwise) outside the therapy, 2-years to determine if a friendship could really sustain beyond the parameters of therapy.

If you have additional thoughts about becoming friends with your therapist, I recommend to discuss this directly with your therapist. It would be a good process for you in figuring out what characteristics you need for friendships as well as keeping the therapist in their role and allowing them to do their job...to provide you with a safe, valuable service.

Disclosing to the Counselor -- How much is too much?

Counseling is an interesting phenomenon. You pay a complete stranger to open up to them, become vulnerable and place some level of expectation they will be able to help you through your problems and come up with better solutions. This can feel weird, overwhelming, even downright scary. But, how much should you disclose?

Your counselor can only help you if you're upfront and honest with them. This may not mean you have to unlock every skeleton in your closet, but if you're holding back, they may not be able to help you move forward. For example, if you are actively engaging in the use of alcohol or marijuana and you emphatically deny this to your therapist, they may attribute your symptomology to more severe mental disorders. They cannot assess, and thus intervene, appropriately.

Communicating with your counselor can also be beneficial if you find you are having difficulties with the direction your therapy is going. Sometimes, I find clients may experience difficulty bringing up problems to the counselor when it has to do with the counselor; however, counselors are people too. We make mistakes and misinterpret client signals, which could inadvertently derail your therapy.

If you find yourself uncomfortable with your counseling experience, I recommend you bring it up with your counselor. Let them know how you're feeling and what your concerns are. Again, the counselor can't read your mind and will want to know how they can best help you.

Wanting More From Your Counselor

Counseling is a very interesting process. You come in spilling your guts to another person who is practically a stranger. You tell them things you've never told anyone else. You may have broken down in tears when you're upset, or maybe have turned to them when you're feeling like you're at your lowest point. And all this time, they've never judged you or shamed you...just provided the support and guidance you needed to get through these rough times.

Suddenly, you may find you are having feelings towards this person. You may want to become friends with them or even closer...maybe even have feelings of love. So what's the problem?

If your counselor is true to your therapy, they cannot reciprocate your feelings. It's understandable you would have such strong feelings for your counselor. You have put your trust in them and become vulnerable during some difficult times. For your counselor to share your feelings could have detrimental effects. They will not be able to maintain the objectivity, which you sought out in the first place. Counseling is a professional relationship which can sometimes feel very personal. However, it isn't personal. Do you pay your friends and family to talk to you? Probably not.

Your counselor is trained to deal with these issues. They can help you process your feelings in a positive way. However, if your feelings begin to overtake the therapy, your counselor may recommend (as a last resort) to transfer your therapy to another counselor, who can continue the work. Although this can feel like rejection, the counselor is really doing what is in your best interest. They want to see you succeed in life, and will not be able to help you achieve this if they are personally involved in your life.

Counseling through the Holidays

The holidays prove to be a stressful time, between dealing with family, buying gifts and trying to please everyone around you, you may feel overwhelmed and feel like you can't add one more commitment to your schedule. I can appreciate this as I also feel overwhelmed at times.

If you've been going to therapy for a while, you may want to feel like cutting therapy out of the schedule to have extra time or extra money for gifts. Consider carefully if this is the right move for you. I'm not automatically saying it's not, but weigh the pros and cons carefully:

Pros:

•Have more time to get things done
•Have more money to invest in gifts and other holiday necessities.

Cons:

•You have difficulty managing stress on your own.
•You allow all the holiday activities to overrun your calendar. Counseling is a guaranteed hour to focus on yourself.
•If your counseling recently took a positive turn, now may not be the best time to suspend sessions as you may lose motivation.
•If the holidays are a difficult time for you, suspending counseling to save a few dollars may not be best for your mental and physical health.

If you are deciding whether or not temporarily suspending sessions through the holidays is appropriate for you, speak with your therapist about it. Together, the 2 of you can look at the progress you've made to date and determine if taking a break for a few weeks would be in your best interest. Ultimately, this discussion could be the catalyst for a positive holiday season!

Why Weekly Sessions?

From time to time, I will be asked by new clients, "Why do I need to come in weekly?" There is no magical formula and treatment will vary client by client. This is what I have found in working with clients:

1) They are usually in crisis by the time they have made their first appointment.
2) They want to feel better about the problem as soon as possible.
3) They don't want to feel like they are going to be in therapy forever.

For these reasons, I usually encourage weekly sessions until:

1) The crisis has subsided.
2) They start to feel like they have a handle on the problem.

When sessions are initially bi-weekly, clients tend to start the sessions off, and can spend up to 1/2 the time, recounting what has happened since the last session. This only gives me, as the therapist, 1/2 the session to really work with the you. Weekly sessions provide a higher level of interaction, intervention and support. Clients receive more consistency, which in turn allows them to integrate what they learn in therapy and achieve their goals faster.

It's Not My Therapy, it's Your's!

I had the most interesting conversation with another person yesterday. They asked me if I ever contacted clients 6 months after they've ended therapy to see how they are doing and if the therapy was successful. I replied, "No. I don't. If I did, then this could be seen as intrusive to the client." My answer stumped them, but it got me thinking.

Clients often ask me, "How do you handle people's problems all day long?" The short answer is, I'm not. You don't want a therapist who makes your problems their problems. Then the person you're paying good money to has lost the objectivity you probably sought after in the first place. You want a therapist who can definitely provide empathy and support, but can simultaneously maintain an emotional distance from your problem, to best help you see past the problem and begin accessing resolution.

When a therapist gets too involved with the problem, the therapy can easily shift from the client's needs to the therapist's. This isn't what you're paying the therapist for. So, in responding to the original question about my outcomes and follow-up with past clients, I remain in the position that no news is good news. If the client ever needs to return, they can call me up and make an appointment.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is so important for a relationship to endure. Couples who have difficulty with listening and responding in an open manner have a higher likelihood to have arguments, tension and misunderstandings. In order to minimize such rollercoasters, here are some tips to help you understand the importance of communication:

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

What are you willing to do?

Are you in a relationship and feel like you've done "everything" to make it work? Are you still feeling frustrated? So what's going wrong?

Consider this...are you really doing everything to make the relationship work? What is the problem? What needs to be done to fix it? Are you really doing it? Here's some examples:

Conflicts with parenting styles: Are you going to parenting classes? They really help. Consistency is key and these classes give you the tools.
Feeling disconnected: Are you trying to connect? Or are you coming home every night and zoning out in front of the TV or going to separate rooms and spending the rest of the night apart.
Money problems: Do you just argue? Or have you set a budget? Gone to a financial planner? Seen a tax advisor? Accessing resources will help you deal with a business issue without the emotion.
Constant arguing over nothing: Are you taking the time to hear your partner? Or are you ready to defend yourself with every word coming out of their mouth? What we say is only 10% of what we mean. The other 90% is what we don't say. If you're trying to get the last word in edgewise, you're not hearing your partner.
Going to couples' counseling: Are you doing the work outside of the sessions? Or are you waiting until the next meeting to deal with the week's problems? Are you listening to the counselor and following up on their recommendations and suggestions? Or are you following your own plan? f you're not following the recommendations of your counselor, then think about this....are your own beliefs of how to solve the problem really working?

These are just examples to skim the surface. So ask yourself....are you really doing everything possible to get the relationship you want? Or are you expecting it to happen? Think about it....and be honest with yourself and your relationship.

Listen to your Heart?!?!?!

Have you ever had the experience of your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you the exact opposite? What is that all about? Why does it prevent us from taking steps to improve our relationships? The secret is uncovered!

So our partner says something that angers us. Logically, we know they didn't mean it. Emotionally, we can't let it go. In many situations, our feelings/emotions are triggered by an instantaneous thought process...like a knee-jerk reaction. What we don't realize is this irrational thought reflects something about ourselves we believe to be true. Examples may include, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm bad." We've internalized these types of thoughts and react whenever anything challenging these messages. The irony is most people aren't in tune with these thoughts, but we're in touch with our feelings: a heavy heart, a stomach in knots, or a painful chest.

So what do we do? We react to ease the painful feelings we're having; however, we're reacting to irrational feelings as a result of an irrational belief about ourselves. If we're able to take a step back when our partner triggers us, we can determine the root of our feelings and make better decisions as to how to react to the situation. Most of the time, you may realize the gut reaction may not always be the best reaction.

Getting the Most Out of Counseling

If you've never been to counseling before, you may wonder what to expect out of the process. Counseling requires hard work, not in the way of using physical exertion, but more of working towards your goals. Wait! That means you need to have goals! So, you're going to counseling. What do you want to get out of it? What would you like to accomplish from your time with your therapist? How will you know when you're finished with your therapist? If you give yourself an opportunity to think about these questions and discuss them with your counselor, you'll be able to determine an appropriate path towards accomplishing your goals.

Now your goals are set and you have worked out a plan with your counselor. Now the work begins. Your counselor cannot do the work for you. This is your life and your responsibility to change it. Your counselor can provide you with tools to help you change your life, but if you aren't actively using these tools, you won't get very far and begin to get frustrated with your counselor and the therapy process.

Look at it this way. Your counseling sessions are only 45-50 minutes a week. This means you have an additional 6 days, 23 hours and 10 minutes before your next session. This provides you with ample opportunity to take what you've learned in your counseling and apply it in your everyday life. It's real easy to take the stance of "Out of sight, out of mind." However, your life isn't either. Your life is always in sight and staring you in the face. You now have the opportunity to take control and do something with it. You're paying good money to see this therapist. You owe it to yourself (and your wallet) to put the work into it.

If your feeling challenged by the work or the process is bringing up uncomfortable feelings, inform your counselor! It helps your counselor to know how you're reacting to the therapy. If you feel like you're hitting a wall each time you make the attempt to do the work and don't inform your counselor, that wall will feel bigger and higher trying to do it on your own. The counselor can help you process and work through what you're experiencing.

Counseling definitely follows the adage, "You get out of it what you put into it." Put your "all" into it and you'll have a better chance for therapeutic success!

I Have My First Appointment - What to Expect

So you've made the decision to get some counseling. Good for you! Counseling is an extremely beneficial means to obtaining support, guidance and a safe outlet to explore and overcome struggles, which may be plaguing you. Now you might be asking, "What will happen when I get there?"

You may need to attend your first appointment a bit early to complete intake paperwork. Like visiting a new doctor for the first time, there is paperwork which needs to be filled out. With the age of technology, some therapists have their intake paperwork online for you to download and complete. Your therapist will provide you with instructions as to what will be required from you.

Upon getting to the office, you might see a wall panel with your therapist's name and a light switch next to their name. Go ahead and flip that wall switch. The light indicates to the therapist of a client in the waiting room. At this point, have a seat and wait. If you need to complete the intake paperwork, now is the time to fill it out. Your therapist will leave out a clipboard for you with all the paperwork for you to review and complete.

At this time, your therapist will come out to the waiting room and take you back to their office. Their office may look like a living room, with couches and chairs. Ultimately, it should feel comfortable. Have a seat!

The therapist will ask you why you're seeking therapy, how they can be of help to you, and let you know of any policies, which will help you understand the process of therapy. Ultimately, it's a "get to know you" session. Some therapists may need to know specific information and ask specific questions. Others may give you the floor to discuss your needs, concerns and expectations.

However your therapist directs the session, allow yourself an opportunity to notice how you're feeling about the environment and the therapist. This is your time to see if the therapist is the right "fit" for you. If you don't feel comfortable, let the therapist know. They are trained to process your feelings with you and together, you may determine the "fit" isn't right. There's nothing wrong with this. Finding the right "fit" is the most important dynamic of the counseling relationship. Give yourself the opportunity to find your "fit." You'll know when it's right for you.

Finding the Right Counselor for You.

You realize you need some help. You are struggling and recognize you can’t solve your problems alone anymore. Where do you start? Where do you look? How do you know your choice is the right choice for you? Here are some steps to take to help you work towards the help you’re seeking:

1. Begin by looking up counseling directories. The benefit of accessing such directories is the ability to check out multiple therapists in your area. There are many on the web, many of which verify the counselor has a valid license to practice. Some examples are PsychologyToday.com, Find-A-Therapist.com and MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com.

2. Look for a therapist who works with your problems. Therapists have license to work in many disciplines and with many populations. However, no one can be an expert in all fields. Some therapists focus on working with children and adolescents. Others work with trauma. Still others focus on couples work. Read the therapists’ profiles and see which one seems to “speak” to you. Narrow down the field to 2 or 3 so you can make the best selection for you.

3. Making contact. You’ve found a therapist who seems to be a good “fit.” Now’s the time to contact them. Most on-line directories have a feature where you can contact the therapist via email. If you email the therapist, you may have to wait for a response. Keep your emails brief, as some therapists prefer not to engage with a client via email, to protect your confidentiality and request you call them. Therapists want to see if there is a connection, which is difficult to determine over email.

The other option is to call the therapist. Leave a message if they don’t respond. If you call on a weekday, most therapists will return your call within a few hours. If you call on a weekend, they may not return your call until they return to the office.

4. Asking the right questions. Now you have them on the phone, what do you say? Let them know what prompted you to call them. The therapist may be calling you in between clients, so do not take it personally if they cannot spend a long time on the phone with you. However, the right therapist will take the time to answer your questions and feel comfortable and open with discussing their fee. But what are the right questions? Ask the therapist:

•If they have experience in working with your problem.
•What their education and training is in relation to your issues.
•What their fee is.
•How long their sessions are.
•What their availability is.
•Where their office is located.

5. How is the therapist responding to you? Pay attention to the therapist’s responses to your questions and information. Do they seem genuinely interested in you and your pain? Listen to your own feelings. Does this therapist feel like they would be the right person for you? If not, you can continue your search. If you are feeling a connection with the therapist, make an appointment.

6. Attending the first appointment. Make sure you attend on time and prepared. Some therapists already have their intake forms on the internet, for you to complete prior to your first appointment. Others require you to arrive to your first appointment early to complete the paperwork. To get the most of your appointment time, follow the therapist’s request. If you come unprepared, you may have to use a portion of your time to complete the paperwork.

You may leave your first appointment feeling like you made the right choice. Congratulations if this is the case! If you find after a couple appointments like you’re not making a connection with your therapist, let them know. It’s okay, really. Therapists are trained to deal with such issues and are willing to talk to you about it. If you still find you aren’t connecting, let your therapist know you would like referrals or your intent to search elsewhere. You ultimately have to feel comfortable with your therapist. If this connection isn’t occurring, you aren’t getting the most for your money.

Women & Divorce: How to Cope

If you are female and either considering a divorce or already going through the process, then you need to read this. Divorce is an emotional process to a business-like decision. Whether you have been married for 6 months or 40 years, you invested much of yourself emotionally. You probably entered this marriage believing “’til death do you part.” Suddenly, you realize your life may not be including this person any longer.

You can learn to empower yourself and make the best of a difficult situation. You are going to have to make decisions, some of which can cause strong emotions, like splitting up assets, considering who will get the house, and dealing with child custody issues. These decisions must be made with a clear head and not an overwrought heart.

1. Take care of yourself. Consult with a financial planner and a family attorney. Even if you choose to take care of the divorce through mediation, you want to be sure your finances are secure upon the completion of the divorce. You want to make sure you know your rights. These professionals can be an asset when making decisions, which will ultimately effect your future.

2. Establish a support system. Seek out the aid of friends and family. If you do not have a good support system in place, seek counseling or a women’s support group.

3. The benefits of counseling. A good therapist can be objective, while you deal with the strong feelings you’ll experience, which cloud your judgment. A counselor will also help you process the lifestyle changes you’ll ultimately have to deal with. A couple of concerns some women have voiced include the ability to pay for counseling during this time and the confidentiality of their records.

4. Paying for counseling. I suggest you pay for the therapy out-of-pocket. You can use insurance and have every right if you so choose to do so; however, there are possible negative ramifications of using insurance benefits. First, your counselor will have to determine if you meet the criteria for a mental disorder diagnosis to be able to use your insurance, as panels require “medical necessity” to be authorized for benefits. If you do qualify, that mental disorder diagnosis will be submitted for every session to the insurance company. If your divorce isn’t amicable or if your spouse is being vindictive, he and his lawyer may attempt to subpoena any records to win their case. Would you want them to obtain these records from the insurance company? This transitions into the confidentiality aspect of paying out-of-pocket.

Counseling does not have to break the bank. You can go to various counseling directories and look for a counselor who falls within your means, such as on PsychologyToday.com and Counsel-Search.com. If this still seems too high, you can contact your local County Mental Health and ask for local community resources. Most communities have low-cost counseling centers, where pre-licensed counselors, under supervision of a licensed professional, can provide quality services.

5. Confidentiality. By paying your counselor directly, the paper trail is eliminated. Your counselor does have to keep records by law, but those records are kept confidential and can only be released with your permission, by a court order or by imminent emergency, such as suicide or child abuse. So, the chance of your spouse learning of your counseling will only occur if you divulge such information.

Remember, divorce is a business decision with emotional impacts. Don’t let your emotions hinder your ability to take are of yourself and your children. Seek the support you need now and end up in a better place when the divorce is finalized.