Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

The Family's Influence

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.