The Gift of the Holidays

How often do you or your partner spend time thinking about the "perfect" gift? Maybe it's a watch, maybe it's a ring, maybe it's a book.. in a relationship, the best gift you can give to one another is the gift of time. If busy schedules, children, and other responsibilities cut into the quality time you long for, then maybe it's time to reconsider prioritizing the gifts to be less tangible and more substantial. Spending quality time reconnecting with each other can foster longer, more positive, memories to reflect upon throughout the years, more so than any tangible item that eventually will be discarded, donated or put away.

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Putting the Marriage Towards the Top

How easy is it to put all the stressors of your life prior to your marriage? The kids, cleaning the house, the bills... it never ends and it's easy to lose yourself and your relationship among all the daily routines. As a result, it's easy to lose the connection you have with your partner with all these stressors bombarding you. However, consider this... if you and your partner continue to make the relationship a priority, regardless of the external stressors, then you know you can work through the issues and supporting one another.

Make your relationship a priority. The problems will come and go throughout your life, but can be overcome more positively if your relationship is in tact.

Trusting Your Partner

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

Your Relationship Starts with YOU

Most of these weekly tips focus on being relating to your partner, but this week's tip focuses on an even more important relationship... the one you have with yourself!

It's important to know yourself... what you're willing to tolerate... what you can accept... and the boundaries & values that you're not willing to compromise on. If you have "dealbreakers" it's important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) as to how you will deal with these issues should they arise within your relationship. So what do you do if you're confronted with these dealbreakers? Well, ultimately it's your decision and you have to be honest with yourself and determine if you can truly accept the behavior that you originally said you couldn't live with. Your values might have changed, or your circumstances have changed, so tolerating the "dealbreaker" may be more livable. However, there may be circumstances where you may have to decide that you absolutely cannot accept.

So what are you willing to do in those cases? This is where you have to start with the relationship with yourself. You may be able to set & maintain healthy boundaries and remain in the relationship successfully. You may have to make a tough decision to walk away from the relationship altogether. Whatever you decide, know that being honest with yourself, maintaining your integrity and recognizing the importance of self-respect, living with a relationship that challenges your integrity and self-respect will lead to self-resentment, which won't make your relationship easier.

Be true to yourself... be true to your partner... be true to the relationship.

What is Commitment?

It's real easy to say you're "committed" to another, but what does that really mean? Does it mean you vow not to be physically intimate with anyone else? Does it mean you want this person to be in your life for eternity? Or does it mean something else?

If you haven't really given much thought to this word "commitment," I encourage you to start think about it now. To make a relationship work, "commitment" must be much more than just the act of promising fidelity to your partner. It's also not so self-centered that it means to want this person in "your" life for "eternity." "Commitment" must be the demonstration of what you're willing to do to for your partner...to demonstrate that you want to be invested in their world more than they are a part of your world. By demonstrating your own willingness, your partner will want to reciprocate that demonstration of willingness and commitment.

If you realize you're working harder at demonstrating commitment to your partner more than they are reciprocating, then it's time to evaluate if the level of your partner's commitment is enough for you. If it is, then great! You've made a good match. If not, then you may need to evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. You cannot convince your partner to be more committed any more than your partner can convince you to be less committed than you want to be. But if you haven't had a discussion as to how the 2 of you define commitment, you may want to start here and determine if you're on the same page to minimize misunderstandings and disappointment of unmet expectations.

Intimacy

When you think of being intimate with your partner, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you said, "sex" or "physical intimacy" then you are in the majority. It's no wonder when I work with couples, many times they mention in the first couple of sessions how they "never have sex anymore" or the quality of the physical intimacy has waned over the years. I'll let you in on a little secret: (with the exception of a physiological ailment) the quality of your love life IN the bedroom mirrors the quality of the intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Think of it this way... physical intimacy is a means to connect with your partner in a powerful way. However, if you aren't making the commitment to connect with your partner in other, positive ways, then is it really feasible to expect everything to fall into place in the bedroom? If you want to connect with your partner physically, then you have to make an effort to connect with them outside the bedroom first. Take a good look at how you interact with them when you see them upon getting home from work... Do you scowl at each other? Do you immediately go to separate rooms? Is one person in the kitchen cleaning up dinner while the other is playing on a computer? Notice the lack of connection... there's no support, communication or demonstration of wanting to connect with one another in these examples... yet, suddenly... there's an expectation to be connected in the bedroom. It's unrealistic.

So, if you want to increase your physical intimacy with your partner, start by looking at positive connections outside the bedroom...it'll make connecting IN the bedroom much more worthwhile!

Define Yourself!

Have you ever experienced a situation where your gut is telling you that you need to speak up to your partner, but you "know" how your partner is going to react, so you choose to stay quiet? Because, what's the point, right? You "know" it'll just be another argument or you'll end up regretting it. However, what really occurs is an inner conflict, resulting in resentment that you didn't speak up to begin with and you take it out on your partner, who didn't know you were upset with the situation anyway. After a while, you realize you've lost "yourself or your "voice" in this relationship. Sound familiar?

Consider this: At what point did you decide the fear of your partner's possible reaction become more important than the need to speak up about something you felt was important to you? What gives your partner's needs, reactions, and/or responses more weight to the relationship than your own?

In order for you to have a "voice" in the relationship, you must be able to use your "voice." Silencing yourself isn't the way to maintain a healthy relationship. Absence of conflict is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Speaking up and providing a "voice" to issues that are important to you IS a healthy way of maintaining your identity and defining yourself as a viable partner in the relationship.

Dealing with conflict

Since I work with couples, many of them express wanting the goal to have the "perfect" relationship. Sure, we would all like to have the "perfect" relationship -- no fighting, no disagreements, everything just seems to "mesh" perfectly. The truth is the "perfect" relationship is a myth, because you haven't partnered up with your clone. You fell in love with someone who compliments you in some ways and conflicts with you in others... the key is hopefully there are more compliments than conflicts. So how do you approach the conflictual times so they don't overshadow all the good in the relationship? Well, there are some "DO's" and DON'Ts" when dealing with conflict:

DO stay focused on the issue.
DON'T get sidetracked or pile on irrelevant issues.
DO state your needs clearly.
DON'T give mixed messages.
DO tell your partner what you need from them & state clearly what that would look like for you.
DON'T focus on what you don't want from them.
DO give your partner equal opportunity to talk about the conflict from their perspective.
DON'T shut your partner off from having equal time and say in the conflict.
DO express positive statements of action to help resolve the conflict.
DON'T make threats of actions (breaking up, divorce, etc.) you will later regret.
DO express your difficulty with your partner's actions (if they triggered the conflict in the first place).
DON'T belittle them, put them down, or use a condescending tone to make your point.
DO recognize the actions that contributed to the conflict -- your partner's as well as your own.
DON'T assume your partner is 100% at fault in the conflict. It takes 2 to tango.
DO express your feelings to your partner.
DON'T take your feelings out on your partner.

Once both of you have had your say:

DO express your love to each other with kind words to separate the difference between the conflict and the rest of your relationship.
DON'T withhold love from each other.
DO give yourself space and your partner space.
DON'T try to rehash the point over and over.
DO provide for some quiet, positive "make up" time for you and your partner.
DON'T expect that positive time to be physically-based.
DO allow yourself and your partner an opportunity to demonstrate the willingness to make positive change within the relationship.
DON'T go hunting for faults nor sabotage your partner's efforts.

"Throw Away the Key"

How easy is it to have an argument with your partner only to get so flustered or angry that you are ready to call it quits? Maybe you've had thoughts like, "Why should we even try?" or "I should just walk away before it gets worse...it'll never change." Possibly you've even heard the "D" word (divorce) being slung around during an argument.

Here's the thing... if you don't want to end your relationship, then what good is it to start having such thoughts or make such threats? Nothing positive can come out of such actions or thoughts. Once those thoughts start entering your mind, it can become an "out" of sorts. It's easy for your mind to think, "See? Nothing's changing. I should just end it." This becomes a perpetuating, downward spiral, which can result in negative results.

Instead, visualize yourself taking a key, which represents that "out," and imagine yourself throwing it into a vast ocean, never to be found again. As you're throwing that "key" into the water, make a commitment to yourself not to give up so easily. As you have difficult times with your partner, remind yourself there is no "key"... no "out," and to renew your commitment to weather the storms.

My clients who try this exercise find a renewed commitment to the process, and to their relationship, as they aren't looking for the quick fix, but looking for the right way to handle problems.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.

Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

The Family's Influence

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.

Improve Your Communication

You may think you know how to communicate with your partner, and maybe you do. Answer the following questions. Do you and your partner:

1) Ever have disagreements?
2) Resolve disagreements with strong arguments?
3) Resolve disagreements with physical altercations?
4) Resolve disagreements by "sweeping it under the rug?"

If answered "yes" to any of the above, then you probably aren't as effective as you could be. The following tips can help you work through differences positively and, hopefully, give you some alternate ways to come to compromise and/or resolution.

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

Balancing "I" with "We"

How often do you find yourself saying or hearing your partner say,
"We need to do....?" or "Why aren't we....?"

In many circumstances, WE can be a beautiful word, but it can also be
a dangerous one. WE can signify togetherness, a partnership, a bond.
However, if WE begins to replace "I", problems ensue. At the point
"I" is replaced by "WE," individuality is compromised. The two of you
came together as individuals...morphing into one is a romanticized
ideology of a relationship. Losing "I" for the sake of "WE" means
giving up your identity, the very characteristics which caused your
partner to love you in the first place.

When "We need to do....." appears, it's time to stop and think: Is
this something my partner and I "need" to do? Or is this something
"I" really need from my partner and myself? Be honest here. Most
likely, it's your need being masked as a "WE." It's time to assert
yourself. It's time to stand up for your needs and stop imposing them
on your partner. They are most likely going to be more receptive if
you're saying:

"I need the clothes to be washed. Would you mind helping me with this?"
vs."We need to wash the clothes."

Asserting yourself positively is a great way to establish your "I-
ness" within a "WE" world.

Communication Overcomes Stress

What is the best stress reliever? Knowing you have someone in your corner, who can provide you with support...who can go through the stress with you...who can understand your stress. Having this person on your side can help you feel less alone.

Stress can cloud judgment and result in arguments if you let it. However, if you allow your partner to be a form of support, you will have a pillar to lean on. Talk to your partner. Let them know how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you need. Invite them to be a part of your world. Let them know how they an help. It will help them feel less helpless (because let's be honest....they can't always "fix" the problem for you), and you get support in a way you need it.

Communication can ease the tension and help relieve the stress...as long as you're willing to keep your partner in the loop.

These are just a few tips, which can help you start a positive bridge towards communication. If you're interested in receiving more tips for a healthy relationship, visit my website and sign up for free weekly relationship tips.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is so important for a relationship to endure. Couples who have difficulty with listening and responding in an open manner have a higher likelihood to have arguments, tension and misunderstandings. In order to minimize such rollercoasters, here are some tips to help you understand the importance of communication:

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

What are you willing to do?

Are you in a relationship and feel like you've done "everything" to make it work? Are you still feeling frustrated? So what's going wrong?

Consider this...are you really doing everything to make the relationship work? What is the problem? What needs to be done to fix it? Are you really doing it? Here's some examples:

Conflicts with parenting styles: Are you going to parenting classes? They really help. Consistency is key and these classes give you the tools.
Feeling disconnected: Are you trying to connect? Or are you coming home every night and zoning out in front of the TV or going to separate rooms and spending the rest of the night apart.
Money problems: Do you just argue? Or have you set a budget? Gone to a financial planner? Seen a tax advisor? Accessing resources will help you deal with a business issue without the emotion.
Constant arguing over nothing: Are you taking the time to hear your partner? Or are you ready to defend yourself with every word coming out of their mouth? What we say is only 10% of what we mean. The other 90% is what we don't say. If you're trying to get the last word in edgewise, you're not hearing your partner.
Going to couples' counseling: Are you doing the work outside of the sessions? Or are you waiting until the next meeting to deal with the week's problems? Are you listening to the counselor and following up on their recommendations and suggestions? Or are you following your own plan? f you're not following the recommendations of your counselor, then think about this....are your own beliefs of how to solve the problem really working?

These are just examples to skim the surface. So ask yourself....are you really doing everything possible to get the relationship you want? Or are you expecting it to happen? Think about it....and be honest with yourself and your relationship.

Listen to your Heart?!?!?!

Have you ever had the experience of your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you the exact opposite? What is that all about? Why does it prevent us from taking steps to improve our relationships? The secret is uncovered!

So our partner says something that angers us. Logically, we know they didn't mean it. Emotionally, we can't let it go. In many situations, our feelings/emotions are triggered by an instantaneous thought process...like a knee-jerk reaction. What we don't realize is this irrational thought reflects something about ourselves we believe to be true. Examples may include, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm bad." We've internalized these types of thoughts and react whenever anything challenging these messages. The irony is most people aren't in tune with these thoughts, but we're in touch with our feelings: a heavy heart, a stomach in knots, or a painful chest.

So what do we do? We react to ease the painful feelings we're having; however, we're reacting to irrational feelings as a result of an irrational belief about ourselves. If we're able to take a step back when our partner triggers us, we can determine the root of our feelings and make better decisions as to how to react to the situation. Most of the time, you may realize the gut reaction may not always be the best reaction.

The Value of Therapy

I have been wanting to start a blog to help people understand what therapy is about and to help clarify what counseling is all about. There's so much confusion and miscommunication around counseling.

First, I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist. What does this mean to you? It means that I have a license with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences that demonstrates the completion of a Master's degree in Counseling, a 3,000-hour internship and 2 state board exams. My license allows me to work with individuals, families, children and couples. I must continue updating my education through workshops and classes to ensure that I am striving towards being the best therapist I can be. I cannot prescribe medications. This is limited to those with an M.D., like a psychiatrist or a general practitioner.

I cannot work with all problems. You wouldn't want to take your Volvo to a Toyota mechanic, right? When you call me to make an appointment, I want to know that I can provide the quality of care you deserve. For this reason, I will ask you about the problems that are causing you to call me. You deserve to have a therapist who is a good "fit." My questions aren't meant to be intrusive, but they are to help me determine if I'm the right therapist for you. If we decide that we won't be able to work together, I have many alternate, qualified therapists that I refer to and will provide you with the appropriate referrals so you can get the help you're seeking.

I will continue with this blog and help demystify counseling for you to make the process feel more comfortable. If you have specific questions or would like me to address specific issues regarding the counseling field, please leave comments for me and I'll be happy to answer them!