Contingencies - A Relationship Killer

This week, I saw a lot of couples who believed, "If you want me to do 'XYZ', then you should do 'ABC' for me." When their partner didn't respond as they expected, they admitted to withholding the behavior/effort they initially put forth. In a relationship, this can result in a reduction in the positive feelings and connections you want to have with your partner. Your partner may not be responding in kind not out of malice nor intent, but out of tiredness, stress, or plain forgetfulness.

If you're basing positive connections on contingencies (like sex, a date night, or the like), then think about this: not only are you "punishing" your partner for not reciprocating, but you're denying yourself the activities you enjoy spending with your partner. While your connection may be "off," you are causing further distance and damage. Instead of contingencies, talk to your partner about your concerns about your efforts and the responses you're getting vs. the responses you'd like to see. Listen to your partner's responses and see if there's ways for the 2 of you to grow closer, rather than putting up obstacles that will cause you to grow further apart.

Putting the Marriage Towards the Top

How easy is it to put all the stressors of your life prior to your marriage? The kids, cleaning the house, the bills... it never ends and it's easy to lose yourself and your relationship among all the daily routines. As a result, it's easy to lose the connection you have with your partner with all these stressors bombarding you. However, consider this... if you and your partner continue to make the relationship a priority, regardless of the external stressors, then you know you can work through the issues and supporting one another.

Make your relationship a priority. The problems will come and go throughout your life, but can be overcome more positively if your relationship is in tact.

30 Days at a Time

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

If you believe your relationship isn't going the way you want it, rather than focusing on your partner, examine what you might be doing to contribute to the problem. It's easy to get caught up on your partner's actions... they aren't paying enough attention to you.. they may work longer hours than necessary.. they may not help enough around the house. Blame and accusations ensue & you might feel hopeless, but let's look at the other side of things.

What might you be doing that prevents your partner from wanting to spend time with you? What behaviors might you show your partner that discourages them from helping you around the house? It's easy to believe you want your relationship to be the best it can be, but only if your partner changes their ways. However, your partner will have no motivation to make changes if you continually engage in ways that upset them to begin with. Start with yourself & the changes that need to be made without worrying about your partner's faults... you'll get a lot further in your relationship.

Acceptance

This week, I came across this anonymous quote regarding relationships. I found it very poignant, about unconditional acceptance of your partner. Too often, we try to change our partners to conform to our own comfort levels, rather than accepting our partners for who they are.

‎"Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restricting. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free...will never fly away." - Anonymous

What Does it Really Take?

I hear constantly from couples that they need to be working 50/50 for their relationship to work; but is that really the case? If each of you are putting in 50%, then both of you are only working to 1/2 of your potential. Really, this results in a relationship built on contingencies, where you need to depend on one another to create the 100%... "If you're not going to do your 50%, then why should I do mine?" This is a recipe for relationship disaster, when you're looking to your partner for the motivation to change.

Instead, try looking at your efforts as needing to be 100/100. If each of you are consistently putting a 100% into the relationship, then your efforts aren't contingent upon your partner's efforts to become whole. At 100%, you're already whole, and don't need to depend on your partner to make the changes within yourself. You can put 100% of the effort in knowing you're giving it your all. If your partner wants to make this relationship work, then hopefully they are committed to their own 100%. If they aren't, then you have the opportunity to decide what is going to feel best to you. Either way, it's about giving the relationship your all, not just 1/2 of you...

Is Love REALLY Enough?

When I sit with a couple in my office, I'll ask them why they continue to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner, especially if they are already convinced their partner will never change? More often than not, the response will be something to the effect of, "Because I love him/her?" So, now I'll offer this question, "Is love *really* enough?" I'm not suggesting people break up with their partners, in fact, I usually continue to work towards a fulfilling relationship as long as the couple continues attending counseling sessions. What I am suggesting is to take careful inventory of your relationship & really look at what you can be doing differently in order to build upon the love you've built together.

If your partner is continually doing something that you feel is disrespecting you, ask yourself these questions:

1) Why would s/he disrespect me time and again if they really loved me?

2) Why would I continue to tolerate such behaviors from someone I love?

You will be disrespected if you don't respect yourself first. You won't be loved the way you deserve if you don't love yourself first. Boundaries will only be respected if you respect and uphold your own boundaries first. Love in of itself is not the sole foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue to move the relationship through tough times & relish in the good times.

Is It REALLY Over?

Sometimes couples end a relationship when they don't think there's any hope for change or improvement. They say they've "tried everything," but really, "everything" is probably more limited than they think. They tend to continually try the same things over and over, expecting different results. As a result, frustration sets in and arguments get worse or the silence gets more pronounced.

If this sounds like your relationship, there's still hope. It's easy to think you've "done everything," but have you "really" considered all the possibilities? Or have you limited yourself? This is where counseling can be beneficial. The process of counseling can help you explore new avenues on how to relate to your partner, acquire new tools and enhance the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

Take it ALL in

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Trusting Your Partner

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

What is a Relationship?

Let's look at this at the most basic level. Two people meet, the decide there's enough compatibility to move forward and enter into a relationship. They become exclusive and within a period of time, the relationship may become flat, arguments may occur, or unwanted behaviors begin to surface. So what changed? How is it 2 people who entered into this relationship ends up having such problems? Actually, it's more obvious than you might think...

When people enter into a relationship, they tend to go with their feelings... that "spark" or "click." What tends to be overlooked are the "terms" of the relationship. What does "exclusive mean"? How often do you want to see each other? How often do you expect to have sex? Do you want to be kissed in the morning? Do you want to hear "I love you" before you go to sleep? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who will do the laundry? This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it goes to show how many of the "details" aren't addressed when people jump into a relationship. It's when these "terms" come to the surface, that people start to realize their first instincts about one another may be the right ones.

So what's a couple to do? Well, negotiating all "terms" of the relationship as they come to the surface is the best way to work out differences. So come to the "table" and be open, honest and talk about what it is you are willing to agree to... only until each point is negotiated and agreed upon can you move forward. It's also to remember that, like a contract, relationships need to be revisited periodically as the dynamics of your relationship changes.

Your Relationship Starts with YOU

Most of these weekly tips focus on being relating to your partner, but this week's tip focuses on an even more important relationship... the one you have with yourself!

It's important to know yourself... what you're willing to tolerate... what you can accept... and the boundaries & values that you're not willing to compromise on. If you have "dealbreakers" it's important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) as to how you will deal with these issues should they arise within your relationship. So what do you do if you're confronted with these dealbreakers? Well, ultimately it's your decision and you have to be honest with yourself and determine if you can truly accept the behavior that you originally said you couldn't live with. Your values might have changed, or your circumstances have changed, so tolerating the "dealbreaker" may be more livable. However, there may be circumstances where you may have to decide that you absolutely cannot accept.

So what are you willing to do in those cases? This is where you have to start with the relationship with yourself. You may be able to set & maintain healthy boundaries and remain in the relationship successfully. You may have to make a tough decision to walk away from the relationship altogether. Whatever you decide, know that being honest with yourself, maintaining your integrity and recognizing the importance of self-respect, living with a relationship that challenges your integrity and self-respect will lead to self-resentment, which won't make your relationship easier.

Be true to yourself... be true to your partner... be true to the relationship.

What Are You "Really" Arguing About?

Have you ever noticed how you want to discuss something important to you, but in presenting it to your partner, you realize your issue has been skirted and now you're talking about conflicts that might have happened a week, a month or even years ago? How did it go South so quickly? How did unrelated topics get brought into the original conversation? Trying to yell over one another and bringing in unrelated topics can be destructive and hurtful. Here's some ideas to make your discussions more productive:

1) Write out specifically what you want to say. This will help you remain focused and stay on task.
2) Don't read off the entire list and expect your partner to absorb it all, especially if your requests are going to focus on your partner's behaviors.
3) Read one item at a time and discuss each item separately. If either of you begin to demonstrate any defensiveness, postpone the conversation, and the list, for a later time, to give each of you a chance to process what has been said so far and to calm yourselves down so you can resume your discussion.

Define Yourself!

Have you ever experienced a situation where your gut is telling you that you need to speak up to your partner, but you "know" how your partner is going to react, so you choose to stay quiet? Because, what's the point, right? You "know" it'll just be another argument or you'll end up regretting it. However, what really occurs is an inner conflict, resulting in resentment that you didn't speak up to begin with and you take it out on your partner, who didn't know you were upset with the situation anyway. After a while, you realize you've lost "yourself or your "voice" in this relationship. Sound familiar?

Consider this: At what point did you decide the fear of your partner's possible reaction become more important than the need to speak up about something you felt was important to you? What gives your partner's needs, reactions, and/or responses more weight to the relationship than your own?

In order for you to have a "voice" in the relationship, you must be able to use your "voice." Silencing yourself isn't the way to maintain a healthy relationship. Absence of conflict is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Speaking up and providing a "voice" to issues that are important to you IS a healthy way of maintaining your identity and defining yourself as a viable partner in the relationship.

Being There...

Your partner is dealing with a stressful time at work, may be dealing with a family crisis, or has even experienced a medical trauma. You might not be able to relate to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean your partner doesn't need your support. How do you provide your partner support?

The best place to start is recognize when your partner might be needing help. Do their moods seem different? Do they seem more irritable, moody or withdrawn? Do they seem to have difficulty maintaining their regular routine? These are all signs they may be struggling with the stress and this is the time to keep the lines of communication open.

Ask your partner what you can do to help. It may be as simple as a hug or some words of encouragement. They may say they need help with the kids or a household chore. It may be that there's nothing they need from you, but the fact you took the time to check in with them and ask how you can be supportive will go a long way! It's the little gestures that mean the most.

"Throw Away the Key"

How easy is it to have an argument with your partner only to get so flustered or angry that you are ready to call it quits? Maybe you've had thoughts like, "Why should we even try?" or "I should just walk away before it gets worse...it'll never change." Possibly you've even heard the "D" word (divorce) being slung around during an argument.

Here's the thing... if you don't want to end your relationship, then what good is it to start having such thoughts or make such threats? Nothing positive can come out of such actions or thoughts. Once those thoughts start entering your mind, it can become an "out" of sorts. It's easy for your mind to think, "See? Nothing's changing. I should just end it." This becomes a perpetuating, downward spiral, which can result in negative results.

Instead, visualize yourself taking a key, which represents that "out," and imagine yourself throwing it into a vast ocean, never to be found again. As you're throwing that "key" into the water, make a commitment to yourself not to give up so easily. As you have difficult times with your partner, remind yourself there is no "key"... no "out," and to renew your commitment to weather the storms.

My clients who try this exercise find a renewed commitment to the process, and to their relationship, as they aren't looking for the quick fix, but looking for the right way to handle problems.

"Fireproof" Your Relationship

I'm not usually one to push specific resources on this list, but the film "Fireproof" has been brought up several times with my clients in recent weeks, so it would be a shame not to forward on a good resource.

If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, feelings of disconnect or feelings of being "alone" in your relationship, then you will want to consider watching this movie, about a couple on the verge of divorce, and learn what it really means to be committed to your partner, take personal responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and explores how blame, expectations and complacency can damage a relationship.

I want to put a disclaimer here that the film is heavily weighted with Christian-themes and the acting is definitely not Oscar-worthy. I state these points not from a prejudicial viewpoint, but to prepare yourself in the event the themes are not congruent with your own, personal views. If you can work through any incongruences (if they exist at all) and concentrate on the relationship dynamics, it can be a worthwhile resource.

Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

Have you gotten to a point where you don't feel like your therapy is going anywhere?
Are you short on funds and having difficulty attending your sessions on a consistent basis?
Do you feel like you and your therapist aren't "clicking?"

If you've thought "yes" to any of these questions, then you might have considered dropping out of therapy prematurely. Ultimately, you have the right to cease sessions when you feel necessary; however, I see clients leave therapy too early due to financial struggles, something that has occurred in the most recent session that they don't want to process or they feel like they've gotten all they can get out of it.

In situations like these, rather than leaving a voicemail message on your therapist's answering service, I recommend that you attend your next appointment to discuss your concerns with your therapist. If it's a financial concern, your therapist may consider a sliding scale, or space out your sessions a little more, depending on your therapy needs. If you are unsure if you're getting anything out of therapy, you and your therapist can revisit your treatment goals and discuss your progress as well as what you'd like to see from therapy. If you're unhappy with your therapist or upset by something your therapist said during the session, bringing it up to your therapist empowers you and let's your therapist know how you interpreted their intervention.

A good therapist will be open to discussing such issues and will want to understand what didn't work. They may be able to "clear the air" or even explore where the breakdown occurred. Your therapist will respect your decision to leave, but discussing your concerns ultimately provides your therapist with good feedback and you might be able to ultimately leave therapy with a positive experience.