Letting People Know What You Need

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

Do you know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Being assertive is having the ability to set boundaries for yourself and standing up for your rights in a respectful way. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means to state your points in a way that may intimidate and manipulate your partner into giving up their own beliefs to pacify your own.

The question to ask yourself: Why would you really want your partner to agree with you because you've intimidated them into believing as yourself?

Related articles

• Assertive, Not Aggressive (psychologytoday.com)
• How to Develop Assertiveness (socyberty.com)

Reality vs. Fantasy

Getting a relationship off on the right foot may feel really easy in some ways. You seem to be able to talk for hours, you enjoy every waking moment together, and you may even begin to have some conversations of what the future may hold for the two of you. It's almost like you are a match made in heaven.

You don't want to dismiss these feelings, but at the same time, you want to make sure you approaching this relationship from a healthy viewpoint. It's easy to overlook or dismiss the other person's quirks or faults because you're so enjoying the time together. If you live further apart and are only spending intermittent weekends with one another, then each face-to-face meeting can feel like a mini-honeymoon as you reconnect. If you've recently broken up with someone, you may idealize this new relationship because they seem to have "everything" your last partner didn't.

Make sure you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground during this time. It feels great to revel in new feelings of hope and intense connection, but don't sacrifice what you are looking for in a relationship for these feelings. They subside a bit with time and comfortability, yet the character flaws you overlooked early in the beginning will still be there and now they aren't so easy to overlook. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open, evaluating all parts of the relationship. The right one will not cause you to "settle" for something you don't have to settle for.

Disappointment vs. Trust

Which do you find more damaging to a relationship? Disappointing your partner by speaking your mind in a respectful way, knowing they won't like the response? Or eroding the trust from the relationship? If you chose the latter, then keep reading...

If trust is essential to the foundation of a relationship, then isn't it interesting how many couples will refrain from saying what how they really feel to their partner for the fear of disappointing them? As a result, people will enter into agreements they really don't agree to. This can be as simple as what they want for dinner to weekend plans to having sex. Through this process, resentment starts to build towards your partner and towards yourself, which begins the erosion of trust, as you have lied to yourself and your partner.

So while disappointing your partner may not be pleasant, it's important to consider what the consequence would be if your partner realizes that you've been dishonest with them after the fact. Small mistruths over time can result in an erosion of trust in the relationship. So do you still think it's worth "biting your tongue?"

The Impact of Honesty

What does honesty mean to you? How do you feel when you learn your partner isn't honest with you? Hurt? Betrayed? How do you feel when you aren't honest with your partner? Guilty? Ashamed? Anxious? As you notice, the emotions associated with a lack of honesty aren't positive and can cause a breakdown in communication and trust. So then why aren't people more honest with their partners?

It seems the #1 reason is the fear of how their partner will react if they hear the truth. There's a fear of disappointing their partner, or may not want to invoke an argument with their partner, so they believe the dishonesty will be better for all concerned; however, the fact is that while the truth may trigger hurt feelings or an argument, finding out your partner was not honest with you can have longer, and more severe, impacts in the long-run.

A second reason someone might lie is to maintain a behavior they aren't ready to give up. This is also known as "having your cake and eating it too." In such cases, they want to be able to "keep you" in the relationship, but they want to also continue engaging in the negative behaviors. This kind of lifestyle ultimately can destroy a relationship, unless you agree to tolerate it.

In either case, honesty is an important component of a relationship. The lack of honesty can erode the very foundation of a healthy relationship and ultimately will cause ongoing suspicion, turbulence and unhealthy behaviors from both people in the relationship.

Know When to Say When

You and your partner have a disagreement. You sense tensions are rising. Do you engage in the conversation to prove your point? Or do you know when to allow your partner the space they need to express their concerns and not get defensive? This is a hard place to be when you're also feeling angry, but note:

Anger prevents people from expressing what really needs to be expressed.
Anger prevents people from hearing what you're really trying to say, resulting in further misunderstandings.

If you recognize tensions running high, consider what is more important in the moment: being right versus being able to hear what your partner is saying so that you can have an opportunity to voice your perspective rationally and have a greater chance of being heard.

Defensiveness begets defensiveness and no one wins. So consider making the choice not to argue in order to have better communication. That's the best way to get your voice heard.

Dealing with your Partner's Pain

When your partner expresses pain, whether it be sadness, hurt, or frustration, how do you deal with it? Do you really listen to what is ailing your partner and provide support? Or do you try to make them feel better because it hurts you too much to see them in pain? If you're doing the latter, you are probably missing what your partner is trying to tell you. Most likely, your partner may not want you to "fix" them, but just to empathize with their pain, demonstrate your appreciation of their experience and ask them how you can be most supportive in their time of need.

Of all the people your partner could have relied on to share this pain, they chose to share their feelings with you. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, don't shut them off by trying to "fix" their problem, offer them "silver linings," or show them the positive side of their sadness. It may be difficult to see your partner in pain... it'll be more difficult later when your partner chooses not to share their feelings with you at all because your needs to make them feel better became more important than supporting them in the first place.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.

Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

Many times when I'm working with couples, I consistently hear how they have difficultly asking their partner for help, "I don't want them to see me as weak." It's interesting how people have this notion that requesting help is a sign a weakness...as if the person should be all-knowing, powerful, or strong at all times. The fact is we're human first. We all have moments of weakness and need to rely on one another for support.

I offer you an alternative view. I suggest that you try to view needing help as an ability to recognize your limitations. Having this type of insight is a strength in itself. Knowing when you need strength, admitting that to yourself and then admitting this to your partner actually conveys, "I recognize I have a limitation and I'm honest & strong enough with myself to let you know." This message can enhance the connection and intimacy between a couple.

Working Together

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Having Realistic Expectations

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.

How Blaming Hurts

When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...

Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.

Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.

Keeping a Relationship Strong

All too often, expectations of a partner can be the downfall of the relationship if those expectations aren't made known to the other person. By recognizing those expectations and being able to voice them to your partner, you give your partner a fair opportunity to respond to those expectations. Let's see how expectations can impact your relationship:

Who is in YOUR relationship?

A relationship is between 2 people. So why is it so easy to allow others to get involved with the relationship? Friends, parents, siblings, and even co-workers give advice on how your relationship "should" be...but according to whom? If you or your partner allows people to influence your relationship, then you aren't giving you or your partner an opportunity to make decisions for yourself. Think of it this way, if 2 stand at an altar, then it's those people who ultimately have to decide what is best for the relationship...no one else. Only you can decide what makes your relationship work. Focus on finding those answers with your partner, not external forces.

Are you a good communicator?

Communicating requires certain components:

A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.

So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?

Limiting Yourself

Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?

Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.

Improve Your Communication

You may think you know how to communicate with your partner, and maybe you do. Answer the following questions. Do you and your partner:

1) Ever have disagreements?
2) Resolve disagreements with strong arguments?
3) Resolve disagreements with physical altercations?
4) Resolve disagreements by "sweeping it under the rug?"

If answered "yes" to any of the above, then you probably aren't as effective as you could be. The following tips can help you work through differences positively and, hopefully, give you some alternate ways to come to compromise and/or resolution.

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

Balancing "I" with "We"

How often do you find yourself saying or hearing your partner say,
"We need to do....?" or "Why aren't we....?"

In many circumstances, WE can be a beautiful word, but it can also be
a dangerous one. WE can signify togetherness, a partnership, a bond.
However, if WE begins to replace "I", problems ensue. At the point
"I" is replaced by "WE," individuality is compromised. The two of you
came together as individuals...morphing into one is a romanticized
ideology of a relationship. Losing "I" for the sake of "WE" means
giving up your identity, the very characteristics which caused your
partner to love you in the first place.

When "We need to do....." appears, it's time to stop and think: Is
this something my partner and I "need" to do? Or is this something
"I" really need from my partner and myself? Be honest here. Most
likely, it's your need being masked as a "WE." It's time to assert
yourself. It's time to stand up for your needs and stop imposing them
on your partner. They are most likely going to be more receptive if
you're saying:

"I need the clothes to be washed. Would you mind helping me with this?"
vs."We need to wash the clothes."

Asserting yourself positively is a great way to establish your "I-
ness" within a "WE" world.

Communication Overcomes Stress

What is the best stress reliever? Knowing you have someone in your corner, who can provide you with support...who can go through the stress with you...who can understand your stress. Having this person on your side can help you feel less alone.

Stress can cloud judgment and result in arguments if you let it. However, if you allow your partner to be a form of support, you will have a pillar to lean on. Talk to your partner. Let them know how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you need. Invite them to be a part of your world. Let them know how they an help. It will help them feel less helpless (because let's be honest....they can't always "fix" the problem for you), and you get support in a way you need it.

Communication can ease the tension and help relieve the stress...as long as you're willing to keep your partner in the loop.

These are just a few tips, which can help you start a positive bridge towards communication. If you're interested in receiving more tips for a healthy relationship, visit my website and sign up for free weekly relationship tips.

Giving Your Partner Space

Your partner had a bad day, you try to console them, but you feel like all your attempts are failing. If you leave them alone, they claim you're "abandoning" them. Continue to pursue and you're nagging them. Feel like you're in a lose-lose situation? Sometimes your partner needs their space, but knowing how to do it without feeling like being in that lose-lose situation takes some finesse.

I had a client tell me this week they had a hard time speaking their needs. Upon looking at it further, we came to the realization that asking for what they want seemed like a weakness, almost as if they can't do it for themselves, so they have to depend on their partner; hence, showing weakness. I can see their point. If you are totally self-sufficient, then there's no reason to ask. From this perspective, it makes sense. Is it realistic though?

Is it realistic for us to expect our partners to be able to respond to our needs when we have trouble expressing them for fear of being vulnerable? Informing our partner of our needs does require some risk. We tell our partners what we need and hope they respond to us. Conversely, telling our partner what we need establishes our independence. It lets our partner know how we are different from them and what they can do to receive positive feedback from us.

There is a magic sentence to get to the bottom of most communication failures: What do you need from me?

By asking your partner this little 6-word question, all the guesswork has been eliminated. Their response will provide you with the information needed to follow-up and respond appropriately. Whether your partner needs their space or they need you by their side, it's their responsibility to express this, not your's to guess.

Disclosing to the Counselor -- How much is too much?

Counseling is an interesting phenomenon. You pay a complete stranger to open up to them, become vulnerable and place some level of expectation they will be able to help you through your problems and come up with better solutions. This can feel weird, overwhelming, even downright scary. But, how much should you disclose?

Your counselor can only help you if you're upfront and honest with them. This may not mean you have to unlock every skeleton in your closet, but if you're holding back, they may not be able to help you move forward. For example, if you are actively engaging in the use of alcohol or marijuana and you emphatically deny this to your therapist, they may attribute your symptomology to more severe mental disorders. They cannot assess, and thus intervene, appropriately.

Communicating with your counselor can also be beneficial if you find you are having difficulties with the direction your therapy is going. Sometimes, I find clients may experience difficulty bringing up problems to the counselor when it has to do with the counselor; however, counselors are people too. We make mistakes and misinterpret client signals, which could inadvertently derail your therapy.

If you find yourself uncomfortable with your counseling experience, I recommend you bring it up with your counselor. Let them know how you're feeling and what your concerns are. Again, the counselor can't read your mind and will want to know how they can best help you.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is so important for a relationship to endure. Couples who have difficulty with listening and responding in an open manner have a higher likelihood to have arguments, tension and misunderstandings. In order to minimize such rollercoasters, here are some tips to help you understand the importance of communication:

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

What are you willing to do?

Are you in a relationship and feel like you've done "everything" to make it work? Are you still feeling frustrated? So what's going wrong?

Consider this...are you really doing everything to make the relationship work? What is the problem? What needs to be done to fix it? Are you really doing it? Here's some examples:

Conflicts with parenting styles: Are you going to parenting classes? They really help. Consistency is key and these classes give you the tools.
Feeling disconnected: Are you trying to connect? Or are you coming home every night and zoning out in front of the TV or going to separate rooms and spending the rest of the night apart.
Money problems: Do you just argue? Or have you set a budget? Gone to a financial planner? Seen a tax advisor? Accessing resources will help you deal with a business issue without the emotion.
Constant arguing over nothing: Are you taking the time to hear your partner? Or are you ready to defend yourself with every word coming out of their mouth? What we say is only 10% of what we mean. The other 90% is what we don't say. If you're trying to get the last word in edgewise, you're not hearing your partner.
Going to couples' counseling: Are you doing the work outside of the sessions? Or are you waiting until the next meeting to deal with the week's problems? Are you listening to the counselor and following up on their recommendations and suggestions? Or are you following your own plan? f you're not following the recommendations of your counselor, then think about this....are your own beliefs of how to solve the problem really working?

These are just examples to skim the surface. So ask yourself....are you really doing everything possible to get the relationship you want? Or are you expecting it to happen? Think about it....and be honest with yourself and your relationship.

Listen to your Heart?!?!?!

Have you ever had the experience of your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you the exact opposite? What is that all about? Why does it prevent us from taking steps to improve our relationships? The secret is uncovered!

So our partner says something that angers us. Logically, we know they didn't mean it. Emotionally, we can't let it go. In many situations, our feelings/emotions are triggered by an instantaneous thought process...like a knee-jerk reaction. What we don't realize is this irrational thought reflects something about ourselves we believe to be true. Examples may include, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm bad." We've internalized these types of thoughts and react whenever anything challenging these messages. The irony is most people aren't in tune with these thoughts, but we're in touch with our feelings: a heavy heart, a stomach in knots, or a painful chest.

So what do we do? We react to ease the painful feelings we're having; however, we're reacting to irrational feelings as a result of an irrational belief about ourselves. If we're able to take a step back when our partner triggers us, we can determine the root of our feelings and make better decisions as to how to react to the situation. Most of the time, you may realize the gut reaction may not always be the best reaction.

5 Tips Towards a Successful Relationship

Are arguments, conflict and sleepless nights plaguing your relationship? If so, then now is the time to turn things around. Relationships don't "just happen." You and your partner have to make the commitment to constantly work on the relationship, otherwise it becomes stagnant, stale and full of problems. Here are 5 tips to help you begin your journey towards building a healthy relationship:

Respecting Each Other's Space

Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.

If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:

1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.

2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.

The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.

Vacations! What Not to Do!

I want to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.

You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.

Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!

Love versus Hate

There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.

Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.

Getting ready for changes

Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.

Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.

Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.

Vulnerability vs. Assertiveness

I had a client tell me this week they had a hard time communicating to their partner their needs. Upon looking at it further, we came to the realization that asking for what they want seemed like a weakness, almost as if they can't do it for themselves, so they have to depend on their partner; hence, showing weakness.

I had to think about this. I can see their point. If you are totally self-sufficient, then there's no reason to ask. From this perspective, it makes sense. Is it realistic though?

Is it realistic for us to expect our partners to be able to respond to our needs when we have trouble expressing them for fear of being vulnerable? Informing our partner of our needs does require some risk. We tell our partners what we need and hope they respond to us. Conversely, telling our partner what we need establishes our independence. It lets our partner know how we are different from them and what they can do to receive positive feedback from us.

So while there is an element of risk and vulnerability, consider how such communication is simultaneously empowering....and important for a successful relationship.