Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

"I" versus "We"

Two individuals come together to form a relationship. Somewhere along the timeline, the word "I" starts to become the word "we." This can be a symbol of a strong union between these two people. It can signify a healthy collaboration where issues are negotiated, and agreed upon, resulting in the "we," demonstrating those agreements.

However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.

This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.

It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.