Selective Honesty

Relationships require trust. Building trust requires forthrightness & honesty. Any time you choose to withhold information that could potentially impact the relationship, you are stealing your partner's choice and causing damage to the relationship. Withholding the information may seem like the right thing to do, because it might save your partner from pain, prevent an "unnecessary" argument, or keep your partner from thinking poorly of you. Really though, those withholdings start to chip away at the foundation of trust in the relationship, especially if your partner begins to learn of the inconsistencies in your stories. The result is really everything you were trying to avoid in the first place!! Arguments WILL ensue, your partner will be upset and your partner may start to become suspicious of your actions and motives.

So while it may seem easier in the short-term to withhold information from your partner, ultimately that act can snowball into something much more damaging to a relationship. Learn to be upfront with yourself and your partner in a productive way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Friendship

Relationships can be enhanced by your circle of friends. The types of relationships you have with others outside your relationship can be a direct mirror to the type of relationship you have with your partner. Your friendships can provide you with an outlet that your partner may not be able to provide. For example, you may have interests that your partner has little interest in, such as a sport or a physical activity, like hiking.

Seeking healthy outlets to pursue interests provide you with some time to reconnect with yourself and your identity, as well as an opportunity to bring new experiences to the relationship. It also takes the pressure off of your partner to be your entire support system, which can become isolating & stifling to the relationship.

Love & Autonomy

I had an interesting issue arise in a session this week that I thought I'd share. A client came to a realization regarding her motivations for staying with someone, who she absolutely knew wasn't right for her. In speaking with her, she admitted the reason for staying in the relationship with her partner wasn't just because she had strong emotional feelings for this person, but because without his presence, she would feel less "important" in her life. As we explored her process, she came to the realization that staying with her partner was actually her need to calm her internal anxiety when she thought about ending the relationship. Basically, she had been willing to stay in this relationship to keep her anxiety at bay, more than doing what she needed to do to be honest with herself.

I see this often with clients. Ask yourself how many times you've had uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, guilt, fear, etc.) and have acted upon them, such as by calling an ex because you still "love them," picking a fight with your partner, trying to cuddle up to your partner when you really don't want to, etc. Sometimes, we will calm our negative emotions through sabotaging behaviors just to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. This is just a quick "fix" to calming those emotions, but it doesn't solve the problem. Furthermore, it can result in almost an "addictive" pattern, in that the more you get the response you want from your partner, the more you will continue in these self-sabotaging behaviors each time you have a "rush" of emotions.

Instead, if you begin to experience uncomfortable emotions, love yourself and give yourself permission to experience those emotions. Yes... they ARE uncomfortable, but by experiencing them rather than acting on them, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to depend on yourself to heal and overcome them, rather than depending on another and possibly sabotaging your relationship & your autonomy.

What is Love?

I recently went to a seminar on couples counseling. The presenter had asked the entire room what their definition of love was. As answers were being shouted from across the room, there were many answers which included passion, affection, kindness, & support. However, the presenter made an interesting observation -- for all of these qualities to truly occur, there is a common factor, which no one addressed: ATTENTION.

In order for passion, affection kindness and support to actually happen, there needs to be attention focused on the other person. Keeping this in mind, the presenter's definition of love was the "unconditional gift of attention to another." As you pay attention to your partner & vice versa, the other components fall into place.

So, mulling this over, now think about times where you have withheld attention from your partner and then wonder why you feel so disconnected that you aren't having physical intimacy or closeness. Then think about those times when you demonstrate a desire to pay attention to your partner. They probably respond more lovingly and connected. So, if you're not demonstrating to your partner love through paying them loving attention, it's easy to see why you may not be feeling connected to them. You have the opportunity to change this starting today!

Who's Need is it Anyway?

When you see your partner struggling, how do you handle it? Do you support your partner? Or do you try to save them from their struggle? If you're trying to save them, it's time to take a step back and look at your motivations. How do you know your partner wants to be saved?

During a partner's struggle, if you find yourself trying to "fix" the problem, yet your partner hasn't indicated they want to be helped, then most likely your motivations are based on your needs rather than what your partner needs from you. The danger in this is you establish an unhealthy dynamic where you can become a "crutch" to your partner: a type of dependence that prevents your partner from being an individual because your need to "fix" them becomes more important than allowing your partner to have an opportunity for growth and self-exploration.

Sure, it's difficult to see someone you care about struggle. Rather than jumping in and trying to save them, ask them how you can help. They may just need you to be a sounding board. Maybe they need feedback from you. However, they may just require space to struggle, or they may demonstrate they don't want your help & are willing to struggle regardless of the cost. In those instances, you have to be strong enough to take a step back and let them struggle. This can be extremely difficult, and self-care will become essential so you don't try to "save" your partner if they don't want to be saved.

The Impact of Honesty

What does honesty mean to you? How do you feel when you learn your partner isn't honest with you? Hurt? Betrayed? How do you feel when you aren't honest with your partner? Guilty? Ashamed? Anxious? As you notice, the emotions associated with a lack of honesty aren't positive and can cause a breakdown in communication and trust. So then why aren't people more honest with their partners?

It seems the #1 reason is the fear of how their partner will react if they hear the truth. There's a fear of disappointing their partner, or may not want to invoke an argument with their partner, so they believe the dishonesty will be better for all concerned; however, the fact is that while the truth may trigger hurt feelings or an argument, finding out your partner was not honest with you can have longer, and more severe, impacts in the long-run.

A second reason someone might lie is to maintain a behavior they aren't ready to give up. This is also known as "having your cake and eating it too." In such cases, they want to be able to "keep you" in the relationship, but they want to also continue engaging in the negative behaviors. This kind of lifestyle ultimately can destroy a relationship, unless you agree to tolerate it.

In either case, honesty is an important component of a relationship. The lack of honesty can erode the very foundation of a healthy relationship and ultimately will cause ongoing suspicion, turbulence and unhealthy behaviors from both people in the relationship.

Rescuing Others vs. Rescuing Yourself

There is a reason when someone is drowning, a life preserver is thrown to the person rather than another person jumping in after them. Why? Because when someone is drowning, they will climb upon whatever they can to try to keep themselves afloat, usually at the risk of whatever they're climbing upon. If it happens to be another person, the danger of both the rescuer and rescuee drowning.

If you are in a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, depression, or even an addiction, there may be times where you will watch your partner struggle & even feel like they're drowning. You may deal with periods of helplessness or hopelessness when they make decisions that you don't agree with. You want them to follow doctor's orders or treatment guidelines, but they don't want to. You may feel compelled to give them their medications or make their doctor appointments, in order to keep them compliant with their treatment. Have you ever asked yourself why you care more about them getting better than they do themselves? If so, read on...

Because you care about your partner, you want to do whatever you can in order to help them. The problem is you're exhausted trying to convince them to take care of themselves. You're attempts to rescue them can easily result in burning out because you're trying to rescue someone who might not want to be rescued. So then the question becomes: Why does rescuing your partner become more important than rescuing yourself? There is a difference between providing healthy support to a partner in need and trying to rescue them from their own situation. At some point, your partner has to take responsibility for themselves. Doing the work for them will not help them get better and it increases the potential of your own burnout. Take care of yourself and, in turn, you'll be able to be stronger for your partner.