Respect Yourself First

Relationships are based on several simple principles: trust, honesty, love, and respect. However, there is an expectation that these principles are a given... that they are a right. With such thinking, it's easy to see why couples get into conflict so easily. They "demand" respect, trust and honesty, but these ideals aren't a given right... they need to be earned.

Why would anyone respect you if you're not willing to respect yourself first? If your partner is acting in a way that hurts you, tolerating the negative behavior only demonstrates to your partner that it's okay they treat you this way. The only way this unwanted behavior will cease is to demonstrate (not just talk about it) how you will not tolerate the behavior. In some cases, it may mean taking a stand and be willing to walk away from a relationship. But think about this... why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you?

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

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Intimacy

When you think of being intimate with your partner, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you said, "sex" or "physical intimacy" then you are in the majority. It's no wonder when I work with couples, many times they mention in the first couple of sessions how they "never have sex anymore" or the quality of the physical intimacy has waned over the years. I'll let you in on a little secret: (with the exception of a physiological ailment) the quality of your love life IN the bedroom mirrors the quality of the intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Think of it this way... physical intimacy is a means to connect with your partner in a powerful way. However, if you aren't making the commitment to connect with your partner in other, positive ways, then is it really feasible to expect everything to fall into place in the bedroom? If you want to connect with your partner physically, then you have to make an effort to connect with them outside the bedroom first. Take a good look at how you interact with them when you see them upon getting home from work... Do you scowl at each other? Do you immediately go to separate rooms? Is one person in the kitchen cleaning up dinner while the other is playing on a computer? Notice the lack of connection... there's no support, communication or demonstration of wanting to connect with one another in these examples... yet, suddenly... there's an expectation to be connected in the bedroom. It's unrealistic.

So, if you want to increase your physical intimacy with your partner, start by looking at positive connections outside the bedroom...it'll make connecting IN the bedroom much more worthwhile!

Integrity

When you picture someone who has integrity, what characteristics do this person have? You might think of someone who follows through on their commitments, is honest with others, is reliable, and possibly many other characteristics of this nature. There's another characteristic, which many people overlook. To have integrity means not only to be honest with others but to be honest with oneself.

If you agree to decisions or go along with situations within your relationship that you truly don't agree with in order to "keep the peace," or "not rock the boat," then how honest are you being with yourself? How much integrity are you demonstrating to yourself? To your partner? To the relationship? In the short-term, it may seem like you are "keeping the peace," but if the situation/decision begins to gnaw at your gut, then this will only foster resentment in the long run... but the resentment won't be about your partner, it'll be about the choice you made in the beginning to agree to a situation to which you (if you were honest with yourself in the first place) didn't agree with initially.

So, is it really worth maintaining silence when that silence will later result in resentment? Only you can answer this... but also ask yourself, "Is this really worth compromising my integrity?"

Stealing Your Partner's Choice

Ever have the experience where your partner makes plans but doesn't include you until the plans are set in motion? Have you ever really wanted to make a change for yourself, but fear your partner's reaction might be of resistance, so you wait until there's no way of backing out?

What you or your partner are essentially doing in situations like this is stealing your partner's choice to have input on the situation. You have just dictated your partner's course without getting their input as to how they feel about the situation. The reasons could be many: you don't want to be swayed from your decision, you don't want to get in an argument with your partner, or maybe even you're fearful your partner may leave you if they don't agree with the choice.

What potentially (and most likely) will happen is that your partner will agree to your choices, as they will feel they have no choice, only to later feel resentful towards themselves for going along with something they really didn't want to go along with, and that resentment will negatively impact the relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship that requires you to manipulate your partner or, in turn, be manipulated?

The answer is simple: TALK with your partner about your desires to make changes that may impact them and/or the dynamics of your relationship. The discussions might not be easy, but if both of you are willing to talk to each other openly, honestly, and respectfully, then the possibility of making successful changes is much more likely.

Define Yourself!

Have you ever experienced a situation where your gut is telling you that you need to speak up to your partner, but you "know" how your partner is going to react, so you choose to stay quiet? Because, what's the point, right? You "know" it'll just be another argument or you'll end up regretting it. However, what really occurs is an inner conflict, resulting in resentment that you didn't speak up to begin with and you take it out on your partner, who didn't know you were upset with the situation anyway. After a while, you realize you've lost "yourself or your "voice" in this relationship. Sound familiar?

Consider this: At what point did you decide the fear of your partner's possible reaction become more important than the need to speak up about something you felt was important to you? What gives your partner's needs, reactions, and/or responses more weight to the relationship than your own?

In order for you to have a "voice" in the relationship, you must be able to use your "voice." Silencing yourself isn't the way to maintain a healthy relationship. Absence of conflict is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Speaking up and providing a "voice" to issues that are important to you IS a healthy way of maintaining your identity and defining yourself as a viable partner in the relationship.

Compromise? Or Accommodation?

How many times have you found yourself attempting to find resolution over a problem, to which one of you compromise on an issue and then resent yourself and your partner because you agreed to terms that you're not happy with? If this is the case, the negotiation, which took place, didn't result in compromise, but with accommodation -- a killer of relationships for sure. What is the difference? Let's take a look:

Accommodation: Accommodation is essentially the same as "giving in." You're "agreeing" to the arrangement, but inside, you may be feeling bitter, resentful, angry or upset with the agreement. You might describe this as a means to keep the peace or prevent an argument. This self-sacrifice is detrimental to a relationship because you've agreed to something that goes against your better judgment. The question to ask yourself is: Why would you agree to something that you don't want to agree to? Often times, these justifications backfire, because resent builds over time, so an argument prevented today may result in a larger argument later.

Compromise: The basis of compromise is when 2 people come together and find some way, through negotiation, to agree on a situation that doesn't result in bitterness or resentment towards one another. There might be some sacrificing going on to reach this agreement, but the sacrifice isn't causing an inner "tug-of-war" like the process of accommodation. The arrangement may not be ideal, but both parties work together to ensure they aren't "giving in" just to keep the peace or prevent an argument.

How do you ensure you're compromising rather than accommodating? You can start by being true to yourself, and honest with your partner. If you aren't feeling good about the decision, then be open about the inner conflict you are having and be open with your partner. Don't agree to something that you'll regret agreeing to later. Do agree on that which you can honestly live with the consequences of your decisions. This is a more proactive way of dealing with conflict.

Dealing with conflict

Since I work with couples, many of them express wanting the goal to have the "perfect" relationship. Sure, we would all like to have the "perfect" relationship -- no fighting, no disagreements, everything just seems to "mesh" perfectly. The truth is the "perfect" relationship is a myth, because you haven't partnered up with your clone. You fell in love with someone who compliments you in some ways and conflicts with you in others... the key is hopefully there are more compliments than conflicts. So how do you approach the conflictual times so they don't overshadow all the good in the relationship? Well, there are some "DO's" and DON'Ts" when dealing with conflict:

DO stay focused on the issue.
DON'T get sidetracked or pile on irrelevant issues.
DO state your needs clearly.
DON'T give mixed messages.
DO tell your partner what you need from them & state clearly what that would look like for you.
DON'T focus on what you don't want from them.
DO give your partner equal opportunity to talk about the conflict from their perspective.
DON'T shut your partner off from having equal time and say in the conflict.
DO express positive statements of action to help resolve the conflict.
DON'T make threats of actions (breaking up, divorce, etc.) you will later regret.
DO express your difficulty with your partner's actions (if they triggered the conflict in the first place).
DON'T belittle them, put them down, or use a condescending tone to make your point.
DO recognize the actions that contributed to the conflict -- your partner's as well as your own.
DON'T assume your partner is 100% at fault in the conflict. It takes 2 to tango.
DO express your feelings to your partner.
DON'T take your feelings out on your partner.

Once both of you have had your say:

DO express your love to each other with kind words to separate the difference between the conflict and the rest of your relationship.
DON'T withhold love from each other.
DO give yourself space and your partner space.
DON'T try to rehash the point over and over.
DO provide for some quiet, positive "make up" time for you and your partner.
DON'T expect that positive time to be physically-based.
DO allow yourself and your partner an opportunity to demonstrate the willingness to make positive change within the relationship.
DON'T go hunting for faults nor sabotage your partner's efforts.

Being There...

Your partner is dealing with a stressful time at work, may be dealing with a family crisis, or has even experienced a medical trauma. You might not be able to relate to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean your partner doesn't need your support. How do you provide your partner support?

The best place to start is recognize when your partner might be needing help. Do their moods seem different? Do they seem more irritable, moody or withdrawn? Do they seem to have difficulty maintaining their regular routine? These are all signs they may be struggling with the stress and this is the time to keep the lines of communication open.

Ask your partner what you can do to help. It may be as simple as a hug or some words of encouragement. They may say they need help with the kids or a household chore. It may be that there's nothing they need from you, but the fact you took the time to check in with them and ask how you can be supportive will go a long way! It's the little gestures that mean the most.

Having the Proverbial Cake...

There seems to be a common theme amongst many clients I've seen this week. They "want their cake and eat it too." What do I mean by this? Many times I hear from clients how important it is to save their relationship... they express common themes such as "I don't want to lose him/her," "S/he is the most important person in my life," or "I'm doing everything I can to save this relationship." However, when we explore the choice they are making, what I learn is how willing people are to maintain unhealthy habits that directly impact the relationship in a negative way: keeping in touch with an old flame, continue indulging in alcohol or drug patterns, or even staying late at work often at the expense of the family.

So I have to ask myself (and ask my clients), if your relationship is as important to you as you state it is, why you would you want to continue engaging in behaviors, which will negatively impact the relationship? Saving the relationship may mean having to give up contact with the old flame, ceasing to use alcohol or drugs, or finding a better balance between work and family. You'll want to ask yourself, "Why is it so difficult for me to give these things/people up?" Be honest with yourself...be honest with your partner. Attempting to "have your cake and eat it too" ultimately sends a message to your partner that the relationship may not be as important to you as your stating.

Priorities

This time is full of responsibilities: children, bills, finances, work, health.....but where does your relationship fit in?

You need to give your relationship equal time to be successful. If you've ever said, "We'll see what happens, then your essentially saying, "I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but still expect something to change." How can the relationship change if you aren't doing anything to make the change happen?

What do you want to happen differently? What are you doing to make that change happen? For example, you want to spend more time with your partner. You and your partner made time for each other when you first met. How did you make time for each other then? You went on dates. You would agree on a time to go out, be picked up at the door and spend an evening together. You did it once! You can do it again! Start by setting at least one night a month for the two of you to go out. Get a babysitter (if needed), make reservations and enjoy the time to reconnect.

Remember, the daily stressors of bills, finances and work will be there the next day. One day the children will be off and having families of their own. Your health may not be what it is today. For all these reasons, today is the day to make a strong connection with your partner....and keep it nourished and healthy.

Danger or Opportunity?

When relationships get too hard, the first inclination for many is to "get out" as implementing change is a lot of work. Conflicts seem never-ending, disconnection seems to be the "norm," and intimacy seems to dwindle. This could overwhelm even the strongest of relationships. This combination puts many couples in crisis mode. However, the Chinese character for "crisis" actually represents the words "danger" + "opportunity."

The "danger" of the relationship failing leads to many "opportunities" for change, for growth, for a better outcome. There is the "opportunity" to work on being a better person for yourself and the relationship... the "opportunity" to heal deep-seated, emotional wounds to be a better partner... the "opportunity" to better define and express your needs to your partner so you can determine how to best move forward within the relationship.

So, try looking at the "crisis" in your relationship as an "opportunity" to make positive change.

"Throw Away the Key"

How easy is it to have an argument with your partner only to get so flustered or angry that you are ready to call it quits? Maybe you've had thoughts like, "Why should we even try?" or "I should just walk away before it gets worse...it'll never change." Possibly you've even heard the "D" word (divorce) being slung around during an argument.

Here's the thing... if you don't want to end your relationship, then what good is it to start having such thoughts or make such threats? Nothing positive can come out of such actions or thoughts. Once those thoughts start entering your mind, it can become an "out" of sorts. It's easy for your mind to think, "See? Nothing's changing. I should just end it." This becomes a perpetuating, downward spiral, which can result in negative results.

Instead, visualize yourself taking a key, which represents that "out," and imagine yourself throwing it into a vast ocean, never to be found again. As you're throwing that "key" into the water, make a commitment to yourself not to give up so easily. As you have difficult times with your partner, remind yourself there is no "key"... no "out," and to renew your commitment to weather the storms.

My clients who try this exercise find a renewed commitment to the process, and to their relationship, as they aren't looking for the quick fix, but looking for the right way to handle problems.

"Fireproof" Your Relationship

I'm not usually one to push specific resources on this list, but the film "Fireproof" has been brought up several times with my clients in recent weeks, so it would be a shame not to forward on a good resource.

If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, feelings of disconnect or feelings of being "alone" in your relationship, then you will want to consider watching this movie, about a couple on the verge of divorce, and learn what it really means to be committed to your partner, take personal responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and explores how blame, expectations and complacency can damage a relationship.

I want to put a disclaimer here that the film is heavily weighted with Christian-themes and the acting is definitely not Oscar-worthy. I state these points not from a prejudicial viewpoint, but to prepare yourself in the event the themes are not congruent with your own, personal views. If you can work through any incongruences (if they exist at all) and concentrate on the relationship dynamics, it can be a worthwhile resource.

Know When to Say When

You and your partner have a disagreement. You sense tensions are rising. Do you engage in the conversation to prove your point? Or do you know when to allow your partner the space they need to express their concerns and not get defensive? This is a hard place to be when you're also feeling angry, but note:

Anger prevents people from expressing what really needs to be expressed.
Anger prevents people from hearing what you're really trying to say, resulting in further misunderstandings.

If you recognize tensions running high, consider what is more important in the moment: being right versus being able to hear what your partner is saying so that you can have an opportunity to voice your perspective rationally and have a greater chance of being heard.

Defensiveness begets defensiveness and no one wins. So consider making the choice not to argue in order to have better communication. That's the best way to get your voice heard.

Dealing with your Partner's Pain

When your partner expresses pain, whether it be sadness, hurt, or frustration, how do you deal with it? Do you really listen to what is ailing your partner and provide support? Or do you try to make them feel better because it hurts you too much to see them in pain? If you're doing the latter, you are probably missing what your partner is trying to tell you. Most likely, your partner may not want you to "fix" them, but just to empathize with their pain, demonstrate your appreciation of their experience and ask them how you can be most supportive in their time of need.

Of all the people your partner could have relied on to share this pain, they chose to share their feelings with you. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, don't shut them off by trying to "fix" their problem, offer them "silver linings," or show them the positive side of their sadness. It may be difficult to see your partner in pain... it'll be more difficult later when your partner chooses not to share their feelings with you at all because your needs to make them feel better became more important than supporting them in the first place.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.

Don't Limit Your Communication

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

Have you gotten to a point where you don't feel like your therapy is going anywhere?
Are you short on funds and having difficulty attending your sessions on a consistent basis?
Do you feel like you and your therapist aren't "clicking?"

If you've thought "yes" to any of these questions, then you might have considered dropping out of therapy prematurely. Ultimately, you have the right to cease sessions when you feel necessary; however, I see clients leave therapy too early due to financial struggles, something that has occurred in the most recent session that they don't want to process or they feel like they've gotten all they can get out of it.

In situations like these, rather than leaving a voicemail message on your therapist's answering service, I recommend that you attend your next appointment to discuss your concerns with your therapist. If it's a financial concern, your therapist may consider a sliding scale, or space out your sessions a little more, depending on your therapy needs. If you are unsure if you're getting anything out of therapy, you and your therapist can revisit your treatment goals and discuss your progress as well as what you'd like to see from therapy. If you're unhappy with your therapist or upset by something your therapist said during the session, bringing it up to your therapist empowers you and let's your therapist know how you interpreted their intervention.

A good therapist will be open to discussing such issues and will want to understand what didn't work. They may be able to "clear the air" or even explore where the breakdown occurred. Your therapist will respect your decision to leave, but discussing your concerns ultimately provides your therapist with good feedback and you might be able to ultimately leave therapy with a positive experience.

Self-Respect -- How to Get it?

If you're struggling to get your partner to show you respect, then it may be time to take a look at yourself. If you're not respecting yourself, then what reason does your partner have to respect you? If you feel they talk down to you, ignore you or cause you hurtful feelings, then it's time to decide for yourself what you may be doing that allows your partner to demonstrate such behavior to you. I'm not saying you have control over your partner, but if you're engaging with your partner in some way that shows them you're okay with the way they are treating you, then they have no incentive to change.

Respect is earned. In order to get respect, respect yourself first and demonstrate a level of respect for your partner. In turn, they will have to give you respect if the relationship is worth maintaining.

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

Many times when I'm working with couples, I consistently hear how they have difficultly asking their partner for help, "I don't want them to see me as weak." It's interesting how people have this notion that requesting help is a sign a weakness...as if the person should be all-knowing, powerful, or strong at all times. The fact is we're human first. We all have moments of weakness and need to rely on one another for support.

I offer you an alternative view. I suggest that you try to view needing help as an ability to recognize your limitations. Having this type of insight is a strength in itself. Knowing when you need strength, admitting that to yourself and then admitting this to your partner actually conveys, "I recognize I have a limitation and I'm honest & strong enough with myself to let you know." This message can enhance the connection and intimacy between a couple.

Starting your New Year Off Right

So the holidays are behind us and we've rung in 2009. Have you set any New Year's resolutions? How are you doing with them so far? If you're still continuing with them congrats! You are in the minority of people who have actually set out the goals you want to accomplish. Why is this? Most likely, you've chosen something important to you...something that has meaning to you...

Many times, goals are not achieved because people establish goals that really don't have enough priority in their lives or are too unrealistic or vague to attain. "I want to lose 20 by the beginning of February," or "I want to be a better spouse."

Consider making realistic goals that have the potential to be measurable and attainable. "I will lose 2-3 pounds weekly," or "I will call my spouse daily to check in with them for the next month." This gives you an opportunity to really see if you are following through with your goals. If you aren't, then it's time to examine if these goals are really important to you...if they aren't, then it's time to amend them.

What does this have to do with relationships? Start with looking at where your relationship is at. What is one thing you can (and want to) do that will help you achieve the relationship you want? Start small and work to bigger goals as you gain momentum. Sometimes, it's the smallest efforts that achieve the greatest results.