What Are You "Really" Arguing About?

Have you ever noticed how you want to discuss something important to you, but in presenting it to your partner, you realize your issue has been skirted and now you're talking about conflicts that might have happened a week, a month or even years ago? How did it go South so quickly? How did unrelated topics get brought into the original conversation? Trying to yell over one another and bringing in unrelated topics can be destructive and hurtful. Here's some ideas to make your discussions more productive:

1) Write out specifically what you want to say. This will help you remain focused and stay on task.
2) Don't read off the entire list and expect your partner to absorb it all, especially if your requests are going to focus on your partner's behaviors.
3) Read one item at a time and discuss each item separately. If either of you begin to demonstrate any defensiveness, postpone the conversation, and the list, for a later time, to give each of you a chance to process what has been said so far and to calm yourselves down so you can resume your discussion.

What is Commitment?

It's real easy to say you're "committed" to another, but what does that really mean? Does it mean you vow not to be physically intimate with anyone else? Does it mean you want this person to be in your life for eternity? Or does it mean something else?

If you haven't really given much thought to this word "commitment," I encourage you to start think about it now. To make a relationship work, "commitment" must be much more than just the act of promising fidelity to your partner. It's also not so self-centered that it means to want this person in "your" life for "eternity." "Commitment" must be the demonstration of what you're willing to do to for your partner...to demonstrate that you want to be invested in their world more than they are a part of your world. By demonstrating your own willingness, your partner will want to reciprocate that demonstration of willingness and commitment.

If you realize you're working harder at demonstrating commitment to your partner more than they are reciprocating, then it's time to evaluate if the level of your partner's commitment is enough for you. If it is, then great! You've made a good match. If not, then you may need to evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. You cannot convince your partner to be more committed any more than your partner can convince you to be less committed than you want to be. But if you haven't had a discussion as to how the 2 of you define commitment, you may want to start here and determine if you're on the same page to minimize misunderstandings and disappointment of unmet expectations.

Starting off the New Year Right!

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a peaceful and joyous holiday season as we start the 2nd decade of the new millenium...

The holidays are stressful for many people. You can either choose to linger onto the tension that was created by family, friends or loved ones, or you can learn from it and bring those lessons with you into 2010. Holding onto anger and becoming resentful of your partner doesn't provide you the space needed to foster a loving relationship. Take a look at what you can do differently when your partner begins to evoke negative feelings within you and realize you have the control to respond differently. You don't have to engage in an argument if you don't want to. You don't have to respond to your partner when you know you're being baited into conflict.

It's easy to think, "Sure... you say that, but if I don't respond they're going to get angry with me!" That may be true, but think of this...If you're about to get baited into an argument, then your partner is going to get angry anyway. So either way, the result is an angry partner. But it doesn't mean you have to get angry with them. Look at how you would choose to handle a situation and make a commitment to follow through with that choice. If a peaceful, sit-down discussion is your preference, but your partner isn't in the frame of mind to handle such an interaction, then do what you must to maintain your own boundaries. Your partner will either consider your feelings or they won't, but at least you will have maintained your level of integrity in the situation.

Happy New Year!!

Respect Yourself First

Relationships are based on several simple principles: trust, honesty, love, and respect. However, there is an expectation that these principles are a given... that they are a right. With such thinking, it's easy to see why couples get into conflict so easily. They "demand" respect, trust and honesty, but these ideals aren't a given right... they need to be earned.

Why would anyone respect you if you're not willing to respect yourself first? If your partner is acting in a way that hurts you, tolerating the negative behavior only demonstrates to your partner that it's okay they treat you this way. The only way this unwanted behavior will cease is to demonstrate (not just talk about it) how you will not tolerate the behavior. In some cases, it may mean taking a stand and be willing to walk away from a relationship. But think about this... why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you?

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

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Intimacy

When you think of being intimate with your partner, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you said, "sex" or "physical intimacy" then you are in the majority. It's no wonder when I work with couples, many times they mention in the first couple of sessions how they "never have sex anymore" or the quality of the physical intimacy has waned over the years. I'll let you in on a little secret: (with the exception of a physiological ailment) the quality of your love life IN the bedroom mirrors the quality of the intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Think of it this way... physical intimacy is a means to connect with your partner in a powerful way. However, if you aren't making the commitment to connect with your partner in other, positive ways, then is it really feasible to expect everything to fall into place in the bedroom? If you want to connect with your partner physically, then you have to make an effort to connect with them outside the bedroom first. Take a good look at how you interact with them when you see them upon getting home from work... Do you scowl at each other? Do you immediately go to separate rooms? Is one person in the kitchen cleaning up dinner while the other is playing on a computer? Notice the lack of connection... there's no support, communication or demonstration of wanting to connect with one another in these examples... yet, suddenly... there's an expectation to be connected in the bedroom. It's unrealistic.

So, if you want to increase your physical intimacy with your partner, start by looking at positive connections outside the bedroom...it'll make connecting IN the bedroom much more worthwhile!

Integrity

When you picture someone who has integrity, what characteristics do this person have? You might think of someone who follows through on their commitments, is honest with others, is reliable, and possibly many other characteristics of this nature. There's another characteristic, which many people overlook. To have integrity means not only to be honest with others but to be honest with oneself.

If you agree to decisions or go along with situations within your relationship that you truly don't agree with in order to "keep the peace," or "not rock the boat," then how honest are you being with yourself? How much integrity are you demonstrating to yourself? To your partner? To the relationship? In the short-term, it may seem like you are "keeping the peace," but if the situation/decision begins to gnaw at your gut, then this will only foster resentment in the long run... but the resentment won't be about your partner, it'll be about the choice you made in the beginning to agree to a situation to which you (if you were honest with yourself in the first place) didn't agree with initially.

So, is it really worth maintaining silence when that silence will later result in resentment? Only you can answer this... but also ask yourself, "Is this really worth compromising my integrity?"