All too often, expectations of a partner can be the downfall of the relationship if those expectations aren't made known to the other person. By recognizing those expectations and being able to voice them to your partner, you give your partner a fair opportunity to respond to those expectations. Let's see how expectations can impact your relationship:
Who is in YOUR relationship?
A relationship is between 2 people. So why is it so easy to allow others to get involved with the relationship? Friends, parents, siblings, and even co-workers give advice on how your relationship "should" be...but according to whom? If you or your partner allows people to influence your relationship, then you aren't giving you or your partner an opportunity to make decisions for yourself. Think of it this way, if 2 stand at an altar, then it's those people who ultimately have to decide what is best for the relationship...no one else. Only you can decide what makes your relationship work. Focus on finding those answers with your partner, not external forces.
Are you a good communicator?
Communicating requires certain components:
A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.
So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?
Limiting Yourself
Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?
Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Is "In Treatment" Really What Happens in Therapy?
People have asked me this often in the past few weeks. If you've been watching HBO's new series, "In Treatment," you would see a therapist go through the following:
Reciprocating romantic feelings for a client.
Having a client fall in love with another client.
Get into a physical altercation with another client.
Have a teenager attempt suicide in the office.
Go to their own supervisor for personal therapy.
Plus so much more!
In truth, therapists do have struggles and difficult clients, but since 1999, when I began working with clients, I have never experienced most of these issues, as well as practically all the therapists I personally know and affiliate with.
Do clients form romantic feelings for therapists? It can happen, and does happen to most therapists at one time or another. It's a process clients go through when the therapist has proved a safe, nurturing environment for the client to be able to work through their pain and begin to heal. That process is so strong, that a client's feelings may be misconstrued as romantic feelings. A competent therapist recognizes these feelings and uses this interaction to further process the healing.
In general, therapists don't fall in love with their clients (although it has been known to happen), therapists don't push their clients into bookcases, and don't have client attempt suicide in their office. This television show has some wonderful acting and some great moments that draw the viewer in, but remember, it's ultimately a TV show!
If you have seen it and have concerns, please post them! We can address them here!
Reciprocating romantic feelings for a client.
Having a client fall in love with another client.
Get into a physical altercation with another client.
Have a teenager attempt suicide in the office.
Go to their own supervisor for personal therapy.
Plus so much more!
In truth, therapists do have struggles and difficult clients, but since 1999, when I began working with clients, I have never experienced most of these issues, as well as practically all the therapists I personally know and affiliate with.
Do clients form romantic feelings for therapists? It can happen, and does happen to most therapists at one time or another. It's a process clients go through when the therapist has proved a safe, nurturing environment for the client to be able to work through their pain and begin to heal. That process is so strong, that a client's feelings may be misconstrued as romantic feelings. A competent therapist recognizes these feelings and uses this interaction to further process the healing.
In general, therapists don't fall in love with their clients (although it has been known to happen), therapists don't push their clients into bookcases, and don't have client attempt suicide in their office. This television show has some wonderful acting and some great moments that draw the viewer in, but remember, it's ultimately a TV show!
If you have seen it and have concerns, please post them! We can address them here!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Corresponding With My Therapist Through Emails
Recently, I was asked to explain why I discourage clients from emailing me between sessions. I thought in the world of technology, it would be a good topic to address here. I'm not referring to online therapy, but for clients who I usually see in my office, but want to correspond to me via email in between sessions.
Let me start with the issue of confidentiality. There is no way to secure email. It can't be 128-bit encrypted, and it's easier to hack. Plus, there's no guarantee I will receive the email. How many times has someone tolds you they sent you an email, but you never received it? Ouch! Can you imagine sending a lengthy email, contained with personal information, and your therapist never receives it?
Second, emails are easy to be misconstrued. It's very common to misinterpret text messages, emails, etc. because you don't have eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. I, personally, depend on non-verbal communication almost as much as verbal communication when working with the client. I lose a substantial part of the communication through emails.
I understand email and electronic communication is an important means of keeping in contact and is here to stay; however, I believe it's not in your best interest as a client to do therapy over the internet if you are working with me on a regular basis in the office. If clients feel they need to interact with me beyond the weekly session, I encourage them to see me more than once a week, so that they receive the support you are looking for.
Let me start with the issue of confidentiality. There is no way to secure email. It can't be 128-bit encrypted, and it's easier to hack. Plus, there's no guarantee I will receive the email. How many times has someone tolds you they sent you an email, but you never received it? Ouch! Can you imagine sending a lengthy email, contained with personal information, and your therapist never receives it?
Second, emails are easy to be misconstrued. It's very common to misinterpret text messages, emails, etc. because you don't have eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. I, personally, depend on non-verbal communication almost as much as verbal communication when working with the client. I lose a substantial part of the communication through emails.
I understand email and electronic communication is an important means of keeping in contact and is here to stay; however, I believe it's not in your best interest as a client to do therapy over the internet if you are working with me on a regular basis in the office. If clients feel they need to interact with me beyond the weekly session, I encourage them to see me more than once a week, so that they receive the support you are looking for.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Finding a Therapist - Resources
Finding a therapist can be daunting. You try the Yellow Pages, but that doesn't give you much information. You go to online directories, but when you type in a zip code, 50 different therapists show up! How do you know which one is right for you?
I have a more detailed article seeking a good "fit," which you can find HERE, but here are some good online resources to help narrow down your search:
PsychologyToday.com
Network Therapy.com
Find-A-Therapist.com
I have a more detailed article seeking a good "fit," which you can find HERE, but here are some good online resources to help narrow down your search:
PsychologyToday.com
Network Therapy.com
Find-A-Therapist.com
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
What Do You Want to Know?
Is there something you would like to know about the therapy process that I haven't addressed?
Now is the time and this is the place to ask!
Leave your questions in the comments section at the end of this post and I'll add them to my blog in the form of an entry!
I look forward to hearing from you!!!
**Please note, my responses cannot be replaced for therapy and if you're in therapy, I request you address any concerns with your therapist directly.
Now is the time and this is the place to ask!
Leave your questions in the comments section at the end of this post and I'll add them to my blog in the form of an entry!
I look forward to hearing from you!!!
**Please note, my responses cannot be replaced for therapy and if you're in therapy, I request you address any concerns with your therapist directly.
Email & Therapy
Here's a question I received: Why don't you prefer clients to use email when contacting you?
This is a fair question. Let me see if I can explain:
1) I cannot guarantee your confidentiality. There's no way to maintain privacy through email mediums.
2) Emails get "lost." You may send an email and I may never receive it.
3) If it's an emergency, I may not receive it until hours after you've sent it.
4) Emails can be easily misconstrued. Without facial expressions, body language or even voice volume and sound, I have no idea what the emotions are behind the email.
For this reason, I have a personal policy that clients may email me ONLY for the purpose of scheduling/canceling an appointment. I recognize in the world of Blackberries, SmartPhones and iPhones, people are on the go and keep their calendars close at hand.
If emails are your preferred means of communication, speak with your own therapist what their policy regarding use of email is and how that will work for the both of you.
This is a fair question. Let me see if I can explain:
1) I cannot guarantee your confidentiality. There's no way to maintain privacy through email mediums.
2) Emails get "lost." You may send an email and I may never receive it.
3) If it's an emergency, I may not receive it until hours after you've sent it.
4) Emails can be easily misconstrued. Without facial expressions, body language or even voice volume and sound, I have no idea what the emotions are behind the email.
For this reason, I have a personal policy that clients may email me ONLY for the purpose of scheduling/canceling an appointment. I recognize in the world of Blackberries, SmartPhones and iPhones, people are on the go and keep their calendars close at hand.
If emails are your preferred means of communication, speak with your own therapist what their policy regarding use of email is and how that will work for the both of you.
Monday, March 3, 2008
More Relationship Tips
Looking for more tips to solidify your relationship? Look no further!
Give Intimacy to Get It
Do you wait for your partner to do something nice for you before you return the favor? Are you feeling like your partner isn't doing their part to make you feel loved? Well, here's a question for you...what are you doing to make your partner feel loved?
Many people wait and wait for their partner to make the "first move" and then become disappointed when their partner doesn't respond. It's time to take control of the closeness in your relationship! If you provide love, then you have a higher chance of receiving love in return. Don't wait around and then become resentful of yourself for waiting...that only hurts you in the end.
It Time to Talk!
How often do you and your spouse sit down and check in with one another about your relationship? I mean, more than just the events of the day: the kids' schoolwork, your jobs, what needs to be fixed around the house. How often do you talk about your dreams, your goals or where you want to be 5, 10 or 20 years from now? If you've lost sight of your relationship, you'll may be surprised to wake up one day and not know your spouse, or even yourself anymore.
Take the time to reconnect, even if it's one night a week. Using that time will increase intimacy, connection and give you an ongoing chance to rejuvenate your relationship.
How NOT to Communicate!
Recently, there seems to be an influx of ways people seem to deal with important issues and conflicts in their relationships, but cannot understand why they're ineffective. Let's look at what NOT to do, so you can find healthier, alternative ways of communicating:
Don't call your partner at work to discuss heated issues. They may not be in a position to really focus on the issue.
Don't send a text message your partner at work. Text messages can easily be misconstrued and unnecessary arguments could envelop.
Don't try to discuss things while getting the children ready for bed. Again, your attention is focused elsewhere. Furthermore, children do not need to be privy to adult discussions.
DO write down what you really need to discuss, to keep your thoughts together. Wait until your partner is at home, where you both can give the matter your full attention. If this isn't possible, then hire a babysitter for a couple of hours, go and get a cup of coffee together, and leave the cell phones at home (to minimize interruptions). Many people used to go on dates before cell phones....you can too!
Give Intimacy to Get It
Do you wait for your partner to do something nice for you before you return the favor? Are you feeling like your partner isn't doing their part to make you feel loved? Well, here's a question for you...what are you doing to make your partner feel loved?
Many people wait and wait for their partner to make the "first move" and then become disappointed when their partner doesn't respond. It's time to take control of the closeness in your relationship! If you provide love, then you have a higher chance of receiving love in return. Don't wait around and then become resentful of yourself for waiting...that only hurts you in the end.
It Time to Talk!
How often do you and your spouse sit down and check in with one another about your relationship? I mean, more than just the events of the day: the kids' schoolwork, your jobs, what needs to be fixed around the house. How often do you talk about your dreams, your goals or where you want to be 5, 10 or 20 years from now? If you've lost sight of your relationship, you'll may be surprised to wake up one day and not know your spouse, or even yourself anymore.
Take the time to reconnect, even if it's one night a week. Using that time will increase intimacy, connection and give you an ongoing chance to rejuvenate your relationship.
How NOT to Communicate!
Recently, there seems to be an influx of ways people seem to deal with important issues and conflicts in their relationships, but cannot understand why they're ineffective. Let's look at what NOT to do, so you can find healthier, alternative ways of communicating:
Don't call your partner at work to discuss heated issues. They may not be in a position to really focus on the issue.
Don't send a text message your partner at work. Text messages can easily be misconstrued and unnecessary arguments could envelop.
Don't try to discuss things while getting the children ready for bed. Again, your attention is focused elsewhere. Furthermore, children do not need to be privy to adult discussions.
DO write down what you really need to discuss, to keep your thoughts together. Wait until your partner is at home, where you both can give the matter your full attention. If this isn't possible, then hire a babysitter for a couple of hours, go and get a cup of coffee together, and leave the cell phones at home (to minimize interruptions). Many people used to go on dates before cell phones....you can too!
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