Stealing Your Partner's Choice

Ever have the experience where your partner makes plans but doesn't include you until the plans are set in motion? Have you ever really wanted to make a change for yourself, but fear your partner's reaction might be of resistance, so you wait until there's no way of backing out?

What you or your partner are essentially doing in situations like this is stealing your partner's choice to have input on the situation. You have just dictated your partner's course without getting their input as to how they feel about the situation. The reasons could be many: you don't want to be swayed from your decision, you don't want to get in an argument with your partner, or maybe even you're fearful your partner may leave you if they don't agree with the choice.

What potentially (and most likely) will happen is that your partner will agree to your choices, as they will feel they have no choice, only to later feel resentful towards themselves for going along with something they really didn't want to go along with, and that resentment will negatively impact the relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship that requires you to manipulate your partner or, in turn, be manipulated?

The answer is simple: TALK with your partner about your desires to make changes that may impact them and/or the dynamics of your relationship. The discussions might not be easy, but if both of you are willing to talk to each other openly, honestly, and respectfully, then the possibility of making successful changes is much more likely.

Define Yourself!

Have you ever experienced a situation where your gut is telling you that you need to speak up to your partner, but you "know" how your partner is going to react, so you choose to stay quiet? Because, what's the point, right? You "know" it'll just be another argument or you'll end up regretting it. However, what really occurs is an inner conflict, resulting in resentment that you didn't speak up to begin with and you take it out on your partner, who didn't know you were upset with the situation anyway. After a while, you realize you've lost "yourself or your "voice" in this relationship. Sound familiar?

Consider this: At what point did you decide the fear of your partner's possible reaction become more important than the need to speak up about something you felt was important to you? What gives your partner's needs, reactions, and/or responses more weight to the relationship than your own?

In order for you to have a "voice" in the relationship, you must be able to use your "voice." Silencing yourself isn't the way to maintain a healthy relationship. Absence of conflict is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Speaking up and providing a "voice" to issues that are important to you IS a healthy way of maintaining your identity and defining yourself as a viable partner in the relationship.

Compromise? Or Accommodation?

How many times have you found yourself attempting to find resolution over a problem, to which one of you compromise on an issue and then resent yourself and your partner because you agreed to terms that you're not happy with? If this is the case, the negotiation, which took place, didn't result in compromise, but with accommodation -- a killer of relationships for sure. What is the difference? Let's take a look:

Accommodation: Accommodation is essentially the same as "giving in." You're "agreeing" to the arrangement, but inside, you may be feeling bitter, resentful, angry or upset with the agreement. You might describe this as a means to keep the peace or prevent an argument. This self-sacrifice is detrimental to a relationship because you've agreed to something that goes against your better judgment. The question to ask yourself is: Why would you agree to something that you don't want to agree to? Often times, these justifications backfire, because resent builds over time, so an argument prevented today may result in a larger argument later.

Compromise: The basis of compromise is when 2 people come together and find some way, through negotiation, to agree on a situation that doesn't result in bitterness or resentment towards one another. There might be some sacrificing going on to reach this agreement, but the sacrifice isn't causing an inner "tug-of-war" like the process of accommodation. The arrangement may not be ideal, but both parties work together to ensure they aren't "giving in" just to keep the peace or prevent an argument.

How do you ensure you're compromising rather than accommodating? You can start by being true to yourself, and honest with your partner. If you aren't feeling good about the decision, then be open about the inner conflict you are having and be open with your partner. Don't agree to something that you'll regret agreeing to later. Do agree on that which you can honestly live with the consequences of your decisions. This is a more proactive way of dealing with conflict.

Dealing with conflict

Since I work with couples, many of them express wanting the goal to have the "perfect" relationship. Sure, we would all like to have the "perfect" relationship -- no fighting, no disagreements, everything just seems to "mesh" perfectly. The truth is the "perfect" relationship is a myth, because you haven't partnered up with your clone. You fell in love with someone who compliments you in some ways and conflicts with you in others... the key is hopefully there are more compliments than conflicts. So how do you approach the conflictual times so they don't overshadow all the good in the relationship? Well, there are some "DO's" and DON'Ts" when dealing with conflict:

DO stay focused on the issue.
DON'T get sidetracked or pile on irrelevant issues.
DO state your needs clearly.
DON'T give mixed messages.
DO tell your partner what you need from them & state clearly what that would look like for you.
DON'T focus on what you don't want from them.
DO give your partner equal opportunity to talk about the conflict from their perspective.
DON'T shut your partner off from having equal time and say in the conflict.
DO express positive statements of action to help resolve the conflict.
DON'T make threats of actions (breaking up, divorce, etc.) you will later regret.
DO express your difficulty with your partner's actions (if they triggered the conflict in the first place).
DON'T belittle them, put them down, or use a condescending tone to make your point.
DO recognize the actions that contributed to the conflict -- your partner's as well as your own.
DON'T assume your partner is 100% at fault in the conflict. It takes 2 to tango.
DO express your feelings to your partner.
DON'T take your feelings out on your partner.

Once both of you have had your say:

DO express your love to each other with kind words to separate the difference between the conflict and the rest of your relationship.
DON'T withhold love from each other.
DO give yourself space and your partner space.
DON'T try to rehash the point over and over.
DO provide for some quiet, positive "make up" time for you and your partner.
DON'T expect that positive time to be physically-based.
DO allow yourself and your partner an opportunity to demonstrate the willingness to make positive change within the relationship.
DON'T go hunting for faults nor sabotage your partner's efforts.

Being There...

Your partner is dealing with a stressful time at work, may be dealing with a family crisis, or has even experienced a medical trauma. You might not be able to relate to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean your partner doesn't need your support. How do you provide your partner support?

The best place to start is recognize when your partner might be needing help. Do their moods seem different? Do they seem more irritable, moody or withdrawn? Do they seem to have difficulty maintaining their regular routine? These are all signs they may be struggling with the stress and this is the time to keep the lines of communication open.

Ask your partner what you can do to help. It may be as simple as a hug or some words of encouragement. They may say they need help with the kids or a household chore. It may be that there's nothing they need from you, but the fact you took the time to check in with them and ask how you can be supportive will go a long way! It's the little gestures that mean the most.

Having the Proverbial Cake...

There seems to be a common theme amongst many clients I've seen this week. They "want their cake and eat it too." What do I mean by this? Many times I hear from clients how important it is to save their relationship... they express common themes such as "I don't want to lose him/her," "S/he is the most important person in my life," or "I'm doing everything I can to save this relationship." However, when we explore the choice they are making, what I learn is how willing people are to maintain unhealthy habits that directly impact the relationship in a negative way: keeping in touch with an old flame, continue indulging in alcohol or drug patterns, or even staying late at work often at the expense of the family.

So I have to ask myself (and ask my clients), if your relationship is as important to you as you state it is, why you would you want to continue engaging in behaviors, which will negatively impact the relationship? Saving the relationship may mean having to give up contact with the old flame, ceasing to use alcohol or drugs, or finding a better balance between work and family. You'll want to ask yourself, "Why is it so difficult for me to give these things/people up?" Be honest with yourself...be honest with your partner. Attempting to "have your cake and eat it too" ultimately sends a message to your partner that the relationship may not be as important to you as your stating.

Priorities

This time is full of responsibilities: children, bills, finances, work, health.....but where does your relationship fit in?

You need to give your relationship equal time to be successful. If you've ever said, "We'll see what happens, then your essentially saying, "I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but still expect something to change." How can the relationship change if you aren't doing anything to make the change happen?

What do you want to happen differently? What are you doing to make that change happen? For example, you want to spend more time with your partner. You and your partner made time for each other when you first met. How did you make time for each other then? You went on dates. You would agree on a time to go out, be picked up at the door and spend an evening together. You did it once! You can do it again! Start by setting at least one night a month for the two of you to go out. Get a babysitter (if needed), make reservations and enjoy the time to reconnect.

Remember, the daily stressors of bills, finances and work will be there the next day. One day the children will be off and having families of their own. Your health may not be what it is today. For all these reasons, today is the day to make a strong connection with your partner....and keep it nourished and healthy.