What Does it Really Take?

I hear constantly from couples that they need to be working 50/50 for their relationship to work; but is that really the case? If each of you are putting in 50%, then both of you are only working to 1/2 of your potential. Really, this results in a relationship built on contingencies, where you need to depend on one another to create the 100%... "If you're not going to do your 50%, then why should I do mine?" This is a recipe for relationship disaster, when you're looking to your partner for the motivation to change.

Instead, try looking at your efforts as needing to be 100/100. If each of you are consistently putting a 100% into the relationship, then your efforts aren't contingent upon your partner's efforts to become whole. At 100%, you're already whole, and don't need to depend on your partner to make the changes within yourself. You can put 100% of the effort in knowing you're giving it your all. If your partner wants to make this relationship work, then hopefully they are committed to their own 100%. If they aren't, then you have the opportunity to decide what is going to feel best to you. Either way, it's about giving the relationship your all, not just 1/2 of you...

Is Love REALLY Enough?

When I sit with a couple in my office, I'll ask them why they continue to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner, especially if they are already convinced their partner will never change? More often than not, the response will be something to the effect of, "Because I love him/her?" So, now I'll offer this question, "Is love *really* enough?" I'm not suggesting people break up with their partners, in fact, I usually continue to work towards a fulfilling relationship as long as the couple continues attending counseling sessions. What I am suggesting is to take careful inventory of your relationship & really look at what you can be doing differently in order to build upon the love you've built together.

If your partner is continually doing something that you feel is disrespecting you, ask yourself these questions:

1) Why would s/he disrespect me time and again if they really loved me?

2) Why would I continue to tolerate such behaviors from someone I love?

You will be disrespected if you don't respect yourself first. You won't be loved the way you deserve if you don't love yourself first. Boundaries will only be respected if you respect and uphold your own boundaries first. Love in of itself is not the sole foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue to move the relationship through tough times & relish in the good times.

Is It REALLY Over?

Sometimes couples end a relationship when they don't think there's any hope for change or improvement. They say they've "tried everything," but really, "everything" is probably more limited than they think. They tend to continually try the same things over and over, expecting different results. As a result, frustration sets in and arguments get worse or the silence gets more pronounced.

If this sounds like your relationship, there's still hope. It's easy to think you've "done everything," but have you "really" considered all the possibilities? Or have you limited yourself? This is where counseling can be beneficial. The process of counseling can help you explore new avenues on how to relate to your partner, acquire new tools and enhance the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

Where do YOU fit in?

There seems to be a common belief that the children must come first in a person's life. To some degree this is true, as the infant is completely dependent on you for everything: feedings, attention, clothing, changing, etc. However, many couples take this to an extreme, resulting in a disconnect in their relationship. While you never want to neglect the needs of a child, you also do not want to neglect your own needs... you're only as good of a caretaker to another as you caretake of yourself.

Prior to children, you might have been a wife/husband, employee, and good friend. Adding in a role of parent may be a juggle, but that additional role should not replace the other roles altogether. If you find you have completely given up other roles to add in the role of the parent, it's time to start doing something different. Reconnect with friends, have a date night with your partner, let your partner take care of the children for a few hours and engage in yoga classes. Whatever you do, it's important NOT to lose yourself in the role of parenthood. At some point, your children will be grown and out of the house, keeping your sense of self in tact will help you with all the transitions in life that face you.

Balance is Key

Do you find yourself feeling burned out after putting extra effort into one part of your life? For example, after a big project deadline has passed or after putting together your child's birthday party? Part of the reason this burnout phenomenon occurs is because we tend to over-focus on the issue that feels most pressing to us at the expense of other projects or activities we may enjoy. This occurs often in the long term for couples after having children, which is the reason so many couples have trouble connecting after the children have grown up and left the home.

So what's the answer? If something pressing is facing you, it's important to remember there's other parts of your life that shouldn't be ignored. You may not be able to actively engage in them the way you would without the looming deadline or circumstance over your head, but it doesn't mean you should disregard your life altogether for the sake of the current stress. Take time for yourself, for your relationship, for your family in the smallest ways. It will make a HUGE difference in your overall health and well-being, not to mention maintaining a better connection with your partner.

Take it ALL in

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Getting a relationship off on the right foot may feel really easy in some ways. You seem to be able to talk for hours, you enjoy every waking moment together, and you may even begin to have some conversations of what the future may hold for the two of you. It's almost like you are a match made in heaven.

You don't want to dismiss these feelings, but at the same time, you want to make sure you approaching this relationship from a healthy viewpoint. It's easy to overlook or dismiss the other person's quirks or faults because you're so enjoying the time together. If you live further apart and are only spending intermittent weekends with one another, then each face-to-face meeting can feel like a mini-honeymoon as you reconnect. If you've recently broken up with someone, you may idealize this new relationship because they seem to have "everything" your last partner didn't.

Make sure you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground during this time. It feels great to revel in new feelings of hope and intense connection, but don't sacrifice what you are looking for in a relationship for these feelings. They subside a bit with time and comfortability, yet the character flaws you overlooked early in the beginning will still be there and now they aren't so easy to overlook. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open, evaluating all parts of the relationship. The right one will not cause you to "settle" for something you don't have to settle for.