Discussing the "Tough Stuff"

You know the 3 top issues that couples tend to fight the most about (not in any particular order): children, sex, and money. These 3 topics tend to trigger the most tension because people have such deep connections & beliefs about them; however, they are still an important part of a relationship and it's important such topics aren't avoided.

So how can you minimize such conflicts? Begin talking about them BEFORE it becomes an issue. Talk about the value of money (how you like to save/spend/etc.), how you want to raise the children, likes & dislikes in the bedroom as soon as possible! Don't wait until you find yourselves confronted with the issue. If you're dating and see your relationship going towards a serious path, discuss these issues NOW. If you're already married, continue such discussions as they come up for either one of you.

Having ongoing discussions about your expectations will help you understand your partner and yourself better in relating to one another & enhance your relationship.

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Contingencies - A Relationship Killer

This week, I saw a lot of couples who believed, "If you want me to do 'XYZ', then you should do 'ABC' for me." When their partner didn't respond as they expected, they admitted to withholding the behavior/effort they initially put forth. In a relationship, this can result in a reduction in the positive feelings and connections you want to have with your partner. Your partner may not be responding in kind not out of malice nor intent, but out of tiredness, stress, or plain forgetfulness.

If you're basing positive connections on contingencies (like sex, a date night, or the like), then think about this: not only are you "punishing" your partner for not reciprocating, but you're denying yourself the activities you enjoy spending with your partner. While your connection may be "off," you are causing further distance and damage. Instead of contingencies, talk to your partner about your concerns about your efforts and the responses you're getting vs. the responses you'd like to see. Listen to your partner's responses and see if there's ways for the 2 of you to grow closer, rather than putting up obstacles that will cause you to grow further apart.

Putting the Marriage Towards the Top

How easy is it to put all the stressors of your life prior to your marriage? The kids, cleaning the house, the bills... it never ends and it's easy to lose yourself and your relationship among all the daily routines. As a result, it's easy to lose the connection you have with your partner with all these stressors bombarding you. However, consider this... if you and your partner continue to make the relationship a priority, regardless of the external stressors, then you know you can work through the issues and supporting one another.

Make your relationship a priority. The problems will come and go throughout your life, but can be overcome more positively if your relationship is in tact.

30 Days at a Time

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Claim your Space

Nurturing your relationship and quality time is important. However, it is equally important to nurture yourself as individuals. Take time occasionally for yourself away from your spouse. Go out with friends...get involved with a hobby...whatever interests you have, foster them. It gives you a chance to regain your identity separate from your relationship, and provides you opportunities to share more with your partner at the same time!

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

If you believe your relationship isn't going the way you want it, rather than focusing on your partner, examine what you might be doing to contribute to the problem. It's easy to get caught up on your partner's actions... they aren't paying enough attention to you.. they may work longer hours than necessary.. they may not help enough around the house. Blame and accusations ensue & you might feel hopeless, but let's look at the other side of things.

What might you be doing that prevents your partner from wanting to spend time with you? What behaviors might you show your partner that discourages them from helping you around the house? It's easy to believe you want your relationship to be the best it can be, but only if your partner changes their ways. However, your partner will have no motivation to make changes if you continually engage in ways that upset them to begin with. Start with yourself & the changes that need to be made without worrying about your partner's faults... you'll get a lot further in your relationship.

Notice the Little Things

I was laid up this past weekend with a terrible head cold. However, this weekend has inspired my writing this week's tip...

As I laid on the couch, watching TV, feeling lousy, I also came to appreciate how important the little things are in a relationship. Be it an offer to go to the store and pick up some medicine, to make breakfast, or to even just pour a glass of juice, these little things can go a long way in a relationship. However, don't limit your random gifts of kindness to when a loved one is sick. Make these simple gestures part of your relationship everyday. If you're on the receiving end of these gifts, make sure you appreciate what your partner is doing for you. It's the give & take in a relationship that helps it flourish.

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