Online Dating -- Should I? Shouldn't I?

So you're thinking about online dating?? Well, welcome to the new world of dating! Well, it's not "so" new anymore. You have a lot of web platforms to choose from. Some are free. Others include a cost. You have sites for religious preferences, ethnic preferences, for hooking up or seeking a committed relationship. Some sites require to fill out a test that feel like you're being psychoanalyzed and others just ask for your credit card to get enrolled.

Online dating isn't for the faint of heart. It can consume you if you aren't careful. You sign up for a free account to get roped into wanting to see more. Maybe you take advantage of a free weekend or a few days of unrestricted use. During that time, you find yourself getting bombarded with winks, likes, and other "dangling carrots" can feel really good if you haven't had any worthwhile attention for a while. Suddenly, you find yourself looking at pictures, swiping left or right, reading profiles, and wondering at the end of your introductory offer if you should pull out that credit card and take the plunge.

Wait! Put the credit card down and back away from the computer! I'm not saying you aren't ready to date again. I'm actually a big fan of online dating, as I know many people (myself included) who found their "prince" through the virtual world. That being said, taking a mental inventory is essential before creating your first account. Be honest with yourself as you consider the following points.

1) Am I ready to put myself out there?

This is the question of the century!! Do any of us "really" know when we're ready? What made you decide that you're ready now? Did you just break up with a significant other and you don't want to be home on a Saturday night? That's great if you know you're not rebounding. Are your friends pushing you to "get out there" and date? Well, that might be supportive, but are you jumping in because YOU want to or because your friends want you to? Ultimately, YOU are going on the date and YOU are the one who needs to be able to enjoy the ride or endure the pitfalls; not your friends.

2) What are you expecting from online dating?

If you immediately had images of a royal wedding or scenes of your true love kissing you and wisping you away, online dating is going to have a lot of disappointments before you get to this place. Like I said, online dating can be very successful, IF you have the right mindset. I would suggest you look at online dating as a means to meeting people who you might never have met through your normal day-to-day. It's a medium to expand your social circle and meet new people. Leave it there. Don't go into this process with any expectations more than this and the process won't disappoint you. Go in with higher expectations, each creepy email or text will scare you from wondering where all the good ones are at.

3) Why am I considering online dating now?

Are you in a profession where your social life is stunted? Are you tired of your friends trying to set you up on dates and they are missing the mark? Are you too much of an introvert to try speed dating, go to bars or put yourself out there in social scenes? Many people I know have jumped into the virtual dating world because they are established in their careers and want to fit in a new relationship into their schedule, but don't want to have to deal with the crap that goes along with meeting someone.

4) Am I ready for disappointment? Can I handle it?

Not to be a pessimist, but let's be real. Chances of your finding your "soul mate" on the first go around is slim to none. It takes a bit of searching, researching, experimenting, etc. to find someone who is worthy of your time and effort. You don't want to settle and you sure as heck don't want to end up repeating old dating/relationship habits. Online dating isn't a perfect system, but if you can have fun with it, then there's less opportunity to be disappointed and more chances you will open yourself up to something exciting!

5) Do I have the time to begin online dating?

The benefit of online dating is you can spend as much or little attention to it as you wish. That being said, you are investing in yourself: creating a profile, finding the best pictures of you to show yourself off, responding to emails and texts, etc. There is an investment of time and energy and if you're already feeling strapped for time, this could be considered a "time suck."

6) Am I able to say "No" easily?

Dating is a 2-way street. You have as much a right to say "I'm in" as to say "I'm out." You have to be able to be the rejector at times. It doesn't mean the person you're about to let down is bad or the worst person ever. It just means the person isn't right for you. You invest a lot of time in yourself. You are going to have dates where you know a 2nd date isn't in the cards. You can hope the other person senses it to, but what if they don't? You have 2 choices: You can either continue going on dates with someone you're totally not interested in, or you can let them down easily and move on. It's going to happen. Are you ready to take it on?


After taking inventory, if you determine you ARE ready to venture into this newer realm of dating, then stay tuned for ongoing articles. They will be coming! If you decide you aren't, that's okay too. It just means that working on yourself to get to this place will make you a better partner for the right person when you ARE ready.

Relationship Coaching Online

I've been on hiatus for a while. I'm now finding myself in a new era of helping others and have updated my blog profile to reflect as much. Rather than doing therapy, I'm now involved in a new way to deal with relationship challenges: Online Relationship Coaching. I find that this is a great way to provide relationship help to people all over the country in a fast, confidential way.

What's the difference between relationship coaching and therapy?

Relationship and couples therapy is an ongoing journey where you and the therapist meet on a regular basis to challenge the overall dynamics of your relationship. It's a longer term basis than coaching. Online coaching, on the other hand, is more about giving you advice, in short blocks of time, to solve a single issue within the context of your relationship. It is not therapy by any means, and not all issues are meant to be solved in this manner; however, it is a great place to start if you're not sure where to begin.

Is relationship coaching good for all relationship issues?

Absolutely not! If there is any kind of risk issues, such as suicidal thoughts, danger to others, abuse, domestic violence, alcohol & drug use, etc., it is best you work with a licensed professional face-to-face to get the support and help you need. Online coaching focus on specific issues within the context of intra- and interpersonal relationships. It's good for finding quick coping skills to short-term issues.

Where can I talk to you?

You can find me on RelationUP.com. I'm normally on there Monday through Thursday evenings. It is currently an app specifically for iPads and iPhones only (as a Android gal myself, I'm looking forward to their expansion to other platforms as well!). All the details, including costs, are on the website. It is easy to use and you have options to the Relationship Advisors you can "talk" to.


Anything else I should know?

All the information you need to know is on RelationUP.com, including costs, confidentiality, the differences of therapy and online coaching, etc.

In the meantime, I will be actively starting to blog once again. Please let me know what kind of articles and blog entries you would like to see and I'll be happy to make attempts to whip something up. I intend to leave all my past blog posts up and viewable as I believe they are all pertinent to relationships.

I look forward to reading your suggestions and feedback!

Celebrating your Relationship

With the holidays upon us, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity: parties, decorating, gift-giving, shopping, wrapping, etc. We have annual traditions in place: Christmas Eve with the family, Christmas morning with the kids, Christmas dinner with the neighbors. How do you celebrate the tradition of your relationship?

Your relationship should be celebrated everyday, even in the smallest way. The traditions do not need to be costly or need to be time consuming. The traditions only need to be heartfelt and demonstrate some expression of the love you have for each other in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your relationship deserves daily nurturing and attention. Love is the gift of attention. Your relationship deserves nothing less.

Happy holidays!

Related articles

• You Can Have a Happy Interfaith Holiday!! (psychologytoday.com)
• Family Christmas Traditions (kleenexmums.com.au)

The Gift of the Holidays

How often do you or your partner spend time thinking about the "perfect" gift? Maybe it's a watch, maybe it's a ring, maybe it's a book.. in a relationship, the best gift you can give to one another is the gift of time. If busy schedules, children, and other responsibilities cut into the quality time you long for, then maybe it's time to reconsider prioritizing the gifts to be less tangible and more substantial. Spending quality time reconnecting with each other can foster longer, more positive, memories to reflect upon throughout the years, more so than any tangible item that eventually will be discarded, donated or put away.

Related articles

• my love language...wuhhhhhh... (gnayharas.wordpress.com)
• What is Quality Time? (kleenexmums.com.au)

Listen to your Gut

Have you ever had a natural instinct to walk away from a bad situation, or jump on a great opportunity, but you remain stagnant because you're fearful of the unknown? Sometimes our gut, or inner voice, sends us loud signals to venture forth on a path than we expect or hope for. It can be as valuable as Pinocchio's "Jiminy Cricket" and usually won't lead you astray if you really listen to what it's trying to tell you and realize that you gut is letting you know how a given situation may be in your best interest, even if you cannot understand why in the moment, or may tell you to leave a bad event, even if you want to stay.

Listen to your gut... see what it has to tell you... it's a stronger force than you might believe.

Letting People Know What You Need

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

Do you know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Being assertive is having the ability to set boundaries for yourself and standing up for your rights in a respectful way. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means to state your points in a way that may intimidate and manipulate your partner into giving up their own beliefs to pacify your own.

The question to ask yourself: Why would you really want your partner to agree with you because you've intimidated them into believing as yourself?

Related articles

• Assertive, Not Aggressive (psychologytoday.com)
• How to Develop Assertiveness (socyberty.com)