Working Together

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Choices

Lately, I've been working with many couples who are realizing how the choices they make contradict what they really want. They say they want to be in a trustworthy relationship, only to choose a partner they inherently don't trust. Or they want to be in an intimate relationship, but choose a partner who travels a lot, is a workaholic or maintains a level of emotional distance. They come to me with the hopes that I can help them "change" their partner or wants me to prove that their partner is "wrong." The fact is there is so much focus on the other person rather than themselves.

This situation is actually more common than you might actually believe. How many times have you tried to convince your partner that your version of the situation is the right one, while they are wrong. Why is it so important that one must be "right" and the other be "wrong?" The fact is we all have our own reality of the situation and those realities aren't always going to coincide.

Rather than trying to change your partner, I suggest you look at your own role in the choices you've made. Are you choosing to be the "fixer" but hate the fact that your partner depends on you to "fix" everything? Have you chosen to be the planner of your weekends, but resent the fact that your partner never "steps up" to help with coming up with ideas? If you realize that you are making choices that are resulting in resentment, it might be time to make different choices.

It's time to look at your own actions in the relationship to see what choices you're making that could be negatively impacting you and, in turn, impacting your relationship in a negative way. Making healthier choices for yourself, can result in positive changes in your relationship.

Fostering Intimacy

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.

Having Realistic Expectations

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Adapting to Change

Relationships and people must evolve and grow. Events in your lives will ultimately impact your relationship. Whether it's buying a new home, changing jobs or having a baby, these events will cause you to make changes to your routine and those changes will trickle down onto your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner room to adapt to these changes. Make accommodations for one another as you work together to make a new routine that will work for you individually as well as a couple. If you find that the new routine isn't working for you, speak up! Don't allow the routine to become so engrained that you become resentful.

By making such allowances and accommodations, you and your partner can grow together as time and changes evolve.

The End of a Relationship

While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.

Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.