Balance is Key

Do you find yourself feeling burned out after putting extra effort into one part of your life? For example, after a big project deadline has passed or after putting together your child's birthday party? Part of the reason this burnout phenomenon occurs is because we tend to over-focus on the issue that feels most pressing to us at the expense of other projects or activities we may enjoy. This occurs often in the long term for couples after having children, which is the reason so many couples have trouble connecting after the children have grown up and left the home.

So what's the answer? If something pressing is facing you, it's important to remember there's other parts of your life that shouldn't be ignored. You may not be able to actively engage in them the way you would without the looming deadline or circumstance over your head, but it doesn't mean you should disregard your life altogether for the sake of the current stress. Take time for yourself, for your relationship, for your family in the smallest ways. It will make a HUGE difference in your overall health and well-being, not to mention maintaining a better connection with your partner.

Take it ALL in

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Getting a relationship off on the right foot may feel really easy in some ways. You seem to be able to talk for hours, you enjoy every waking moment together, and you may even begin to have some conversations of what the future may hold for the two of you. It's almost like you are a match made in heaven.

You don't want to dismiss these feelings, but at the same time, you want to make sure you approaching this relationship from a healthy viewpoint. It's easy to overlook or dismiss the other person's quirks or faults because you're so enjoying the time together. If you live further apart and are only spending intermittent weekends with one another, then each face-to-face meeting can feel like a mini-honeymoon as you reconnect. If you've recently broken up with someone, you may idealize this new relationship because they seem to have "everything" your last partner didn't.

Make sure you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground during this time. It feels great to revel in new feelings of hope and intense connection, but don't sacrifice what you are looking for in a relationship for these feelings. They subside a bit with time and comfortability, yet the character flaws you overlooked early in the beginning will still be there and now they aren't so easy to overlook. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open, evaluating all parts of the relationship. The right one will not cause you to "settle" for something you don't have to settle for.

Disappointment vs. Trust

Which do you find more damaging to a relationship? Disappointing your partner by speaking your mind in a respectful way, knowing they won't like the response? Or eroding the trust from the relationship? If you chose the latter, then keep reading...

If trust is essential to the foundation of a relationship, then isn't it interesting how many couples will refrain from saying what how they really feel to their partner for the fear of disappointing them? As a result, people will enter into agreements they really don't agree to. This can be as simple as what they want for dinner to weekend plans to having sex. Through this process, resentment starts to build towards your partner and towards yourself, which begins the erosion of trust, as you have lied to yourself and your partner.

So while disappointing your partner may not be pleasant, it's important to consider what the consequence would be if your partner realizes that you've been dishonest with them after the fact. Small mistruths over time can result in an erosion of trust in the relationship. So do you still think it's worth "biting your tongue?"

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

Trusting Your Partner

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

What is a Relationship?

Let's look at this at the most basic level. Two people meet, the decide there's enough compatibility to move forward and enter into a relationship. They become exclusive and within a period of time, the relationship may become flat, arguments may occur, or unwanted behaviors begin to surface. So what changed? How is it 2 people who entered into this relationship ends up having such problems? Actually, it's more obvious than you might think...

When people enter into a relationship, they tend to go with their feelings... that "spark" or "click." What tends to be overlooked are the "terms" of the relationship. What does "exclusive mean"? How often do you want to see each other? How often do you expect to have sex? Do you want to be kissed in the morning? Do you want to hear "I love you" before you go to sleep? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who will do the laundry? This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it goes to show how many of the "details" aren't addressed when people jump into a relationship. It's when these "terms" come to the surface, that people start to realize their first instincts about one another may be the right ones.

So what's a couple to do? Well, negotiating all "terms" of the relationship as they come to the surface is the best way to work out differences. So come to the "table" and be open, honest and talk about what it is you are willing to agree to... only until each point is negotiated and agreed upon can you move forward. It's also to remember that, like a contract, relationships need to be revisited periodically as the dynamics of your relationship changes.