Relationships and people must evolve and grow. Events in your lives will ultimately impact your relationship. Whether it's buying a new home, changing jobs or having a baby, these events will cause you to make changes to your routine and those changes will trickle down onto your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner room to adapt to these changes. Make accommodations for one another as you work together to make a new routine that will work for you individually as well as a couple. If you find that the new routine isn't working for you, speak up! Don't allow the routine to become so engrained that you become resentful.
By making such allowances and accommodations, you and your partner can grow together as time and changes evolve.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The End of a Relationship
While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.
Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.
Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Be Right? Or Be Happy?
You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?
It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.
Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.
It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.
Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Family's Influence
Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.
So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.
So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.
So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.
So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
How Blaming Hurts
When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...
Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.
Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.
Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.
Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
"I" versus "We"
Two individuals come together to form a relationship. Somewhere along the timeline, the word "I" starts to become the word "we." This can be a symbol of a strong union between these two people. It can signify a healthy collaboration where issues are negotiated, and agreed upon, resulting in the "we," demonstrating those agreements.
However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.
This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.
It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.
However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.
This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.
It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Your Counselor's License
In any profession, you have the good eggs and the bad apples. When looking for a counselor, you want to know your therapist holds a license with their respective state and they are in good standing with their licensing board. Why is this important? Therapy is a unique relationship. You leave yourself vulnerable to you can rebuild yourself and heal. You want to know the person you choose to go through this process is ethical and understands the laws, so you can remain safe.
Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.
The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!
Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.
The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!
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