The Family's Influence

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.

How Blaming Hurts

When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...

Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.

Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.

"I" versus "We"

Two individuals come together to form a relationship. Somewhere along the timeline, the word "I" starts to become the word "we." This can be a symbol of a strong union between these two people. It can signify a healthy collaboration where issues are negotiated, and agreed upon, resulting in the "we," demonstrating those agreements.

However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.

This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.

It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.

Your Counselor's License

In any profession, you have the good eggs and the bad apples. When looking for a counselor, you want to know your therapist holds a license with their respective state and they are in good standing with their licensing board. Why is this important? Therapy is a unique relationship. You leave yourself vulnerable to you can rebuild yourself and heal. You want to know the person you choose to go through this process is ethical and understands the laws, so you can remain safe.

Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.

The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!

Keeping a Relationship Strong

All too often, expectations of a partner can be the downfall of the relationship if those expectations aren't made known to the other person. By recognizing those expectations and being able to voice them to your partner, you give your partner a fair opportunity to respond to those expectations. Let's see how expectations can impact your relationship:

Who is in YOUR relationship?

A relationship is between 2 people. So why is it so easy to allow others to get involved with the relationship? Friends, parents, siblings, and even co-workers give advice on how your relationship "should" be...but according to whom? If you or your partner allows people to influence your relationship, then you aren't giving you or your partner an opportunity to make decisions for yourself. Think of it this way, if 2 stand at an altar, then it's those people who ultimately have to decide what is best for the relationship...no one else. Only you can decide what makes your relationship work. Focus on finding those answers with your partner, not external forces.

Are you a good communicator?

Communicating requires certain components:

A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.

So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?

Limiting Yourself

Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?

Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.

Is "In Treatment" Really What Happens in Therapy?

People have asked me this often in the past few weeks. If you've been watching HBO's new series, "In Treatment," you would see a therapist go through the following:

Reciprocating romantic feelings for a client.
Having a client fall in love with another client.
Get into a physical altercation with another client.
Have a teenager attempt suicide in the office.
Go to their own supervisor for personal therapy.

Plus so much more!

In truth, therapists do have struggles and difficult clients, but since 1999, when I began working with clients, I have never experienced most of these issues, as well as practically all the therapists I personally know and affiliate with.

Do clients form romantic feelings for therapists? It can happen, and does happen to most therapists at one time or another. It's a process clients go through when the therapist has proved a safe, nurturing environment for the client to be able to work through their pain and begin to heal. That process is so strong, that a client's feelings may be misconstrued as romantic feelings. A competent therapist recognizes these feelings and uses this interaction to further process the healing.

In general, therapists don't fall in love with their clients (although it has been known to happen), therapists don't push their clients into bookcases, and don't have client attempt suicide in their office. This television show has some wonderful acting and some great moments that draw the viewer in, but remember, it's ultimately a TV show!

If you have seen it and have concerns, please post them! We can address them here!

Corresponding With My Therapist Through Emails

Recently, I was asked to explain why I discourage clients from emailing me between sessions. I thought in the world of technology, it would be a good topic to address here. I'm not referring to online therapy, but for clients who I usually see in my office, but want to correspond to me via email in between sessions.

Let me start with the issue of confidentiality. There is no way to secure email. It can't be 128-bit encrypted, and it's easier to hack. Plus, there's no guarantee I will receive the email. How many times has someone tolds you they sent you an email, but you never received it? Ouch! Can you imagine sending a lengthy email, contained with personal information, and your therapist never receives it?

Second, emails are easy to be misconstrued. It's very common to misinterpret text messages, emails, etc. because you don't have eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. I, personally, depend on non-verbal communication almost as much as verbal communication when working with the client. I lose a substantial part of the communication through emails.

I understand email and electronic communication is an important means of keeping in contact and is here to stay; however, I believe it's not in your best interest as a client to do therapy over the internet if you are working with me on a regular basis in the office. If clients feel they need to interact with me beyond the weekly session, I encourage them to see me more than once a week, so that they receive the support you are looking for.