Online Dating -- Should I? Shouldn't I?

So you're thinking about online dating?? Well, welcome to the new world of dating! Well, it's not "so" new anymore. You have a lot of web platforms to choose from. Some are free. Others include a cost. You have sites for religious preferences, ethnic preferences, for hooking up or seeking a committed relationship. Some sites require to fill out a test that feel like you're being psychoanalyzed and others just ask for your credit card to get enrolled.

Online dating isn't for the faint of heart. It can consume you if you aren't careful. You sign up for a free account to get roped into wanting to see more. Maybe you take advantage of a free weekend or a few days of unrestricted use. During that time, you find yourself getting bombarded with winks, likes, and other "dangling carrots" can feel really good if you haven't had any worthwhile attention for a while. Suddenly, you find yourself looking at pictures, swiping left or right, reading profiles, and wondering at the end of your introductory offer if you should pull out that credit card and take the plunge.

Wait! Put the credit card down and back away from the computer! I'm not saying you aren't ready to date again. I'm actually a big fan of online dating, as I know many people (myself included) who found their "prince" through the virtual world. That being said, taking a mental inventory is essential before creating your first account. Be honest with yourself as you consider the following points.

1) Am I ready to put myself out there?

This is the question of the century!! Do any of us "really" know when we're ready? What made you decide that you're ready now? Did you just break up with a significant other and you don't want to be home on a Saturday night? That's great if you know you're not rebounding. Are your friends pushing you to "get out there" and date? Well, that might be supportive, but are you jumping in because YOU want to or because your friends want you to? Ultimately, YOU are going on the date and YOU are the one who needs to be able to enjoy the ride or endure the pitfalls; not your friends.

2) What are you expecting from online dating?

If you immediately had images of a royal wedding or scenes of your true love kissing you and wisping you away, online dating is going to have a lot of disappointments before you get to this place. Like I said, online dating can be very successful, IF you have the right mindset. I would suggest you look at online dating as a means to meeting people who you might never have met through your normal day-to-day. It's a medium to expand your social circle and meet new people. Leave it there. Don't go into this process with any expectations more than this and the process won't disappoint you. Go in with higher expectations, each creepy email or text will scare you from wondering where all the good ones are at.

3) Why am I considering online dating now?

Are you in a profession where your social life is stunted? Are you tired of your friends trying to set you up on dates and they are missing the mark? Are you too much of an introvert to try speed dating, go to bars or put yourself out there in social scenes? Many people I know have jumped into the virtual dating world because they are established in their careers and want to fit in a new relationship into their schedule, but don't want to have to deal with the crap that goes along with meeting someone.

4) Am I ready for disappointment? Can I handle it?

Not to be a pessimist, but let's be real. Chances of your finding your "soul mate" on the first go around is slim to none. It takes a bit of searching, researching, experimenting, etc. to find someone who is worthy of your time and effort. You don't want to settle and you sure as heck don't want to end up repeating old dating/relationship habits. Online dating isn't a perfect system, but if you can have fun with it, then there's less opportunity to be disappointed and more chances you will open yourself up to something exciting!

5) Do I have the time to begin online dating?

The benefit of online dating is you can spend as much or little attention to it as you wish. That being said, you are investing in yourself: creating a profile, finding the best pictures of you to show yourself off, responding to emails and texts, etc. There is an investment of time and energy and if you're already feeling strapped for time, this could be considered a "time suck."

6) Am I able to say "No" easily?

Dating is a 2-way street. You have as much a right to say "I'm in" as to say "I'm out." You have to be able to be the rejector at times. It doesn't mean the person you're about to let down is bad or the worst person ever. It just means the person isn't right for you. You invest a lot of time in yourself. You are going to have dates where you know a 2nd date isn't in the cards. You can hope the other person senses it to, but what if they don't? You have 2 choices: You can either continue going on dates with someone you're totally not interested in, or you can let them down easily and move on. It's going to happen. Are you ready to take it on?


After taking inventory, if you determine you ARE ready to venture into this newer realm of dating, then stay tuned for ongoing articles. They will be coming! If you decide you aren't, that's okay too. It just means that working on yourself to get to this place will make you a better partner for the right person when you ARE ready.

Relationship Coaching Online

I've been on hiatus for a while. I'm now finding myself in a new era of helping others and have updated my blog profile to reflect as much. Rather than doing therapy, I'm now involved in a new way to deal with relationship challenges: Online Relationship Coaching. I find that this is a great way to provide relationship help to people all over the country in a fast, confidential way.

What's the difference between relationship coaching and therapy?

Relationship and couples therapy is an ongoing journey where you and the therapist meet on a regular basis to challenge the overall dynamics of your relationship. It's a longer term basis than coaching. Online coaching, on the other hand, is more about giving you advice, in short blocks of time, to solve a single issue within the context of your relationship. It is not therapy by any means, and not all issues are meant to be solved in this manner; however, it is a great place to start if you're not sure where to begin.

Is relationship coaching good for all relationship issues?

Absolutely not! If there is any kind of risk issues, such as suicidal thoughts, danger to others, abuse, domestic violence, alcohol & drug use, etc., it is best you work with a licensed professional face-to-face to get the support and help you need. Online coaching focus on specific issues within the context of intra- and interpersonal relationships. It's good for finding quick coping skills to short-term issues.

Where can I talk to you?

You can find me on RelationUP.com. I'm normally on there Monday through Thursday evenings. It is currently an app specifically for iPads and iPhones only (as a Android gal myself, I'm looking forward to their expansion to other platforms as well!). All the details, including costs, are on the website. It is easy to use and you have options to the Relationship Advisors you can "talk" to.


Anything else I should know?

All the information you need to know is on RelationUP.com, including costs, confidentiality, the differences of therapy and online coaching, etc.

In the meantime, I will be actively starting to blog once again. Please let me know what kind of articles and blog entries you would like to see and I'll be happy to make attempts to whip something up. I intend to leave all my past blog posts up and viewable as I believe they are all pertinent to relationships.

I look forward to reading your suggestions and feedback!

Celebrating your Relationship

With the holidays upon us, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity: parties, decorating, gift-giving, shopping, wrapping, etc. We have annual traditions in place: Christmas Eve with the family, Christmas morning with the kids, Christmas dinner with the neighbors. How do you celebrate the tradition of your relationship?

Your relationship should be celebrated everyday, even in the smallest way. The traditions do not need to be costly or need to be time consuming. The traditions only need to be heartfelt and demonstrate some expression of the love you have for each other in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your relationship deserves daily nurturing and attention. Love is the gift of attention. Your relationship deserves nothing less.

Happy holidays!

Related articles

• You Can Have a Happy Interfaith Holiday!! (psychologytoday.com)
• Family Christmas Traditions (kleenexmums.com.au)

The Gift of the Holidays

How often do you or your partner spend time thinking about the "perfect" gift? Maybe it's a watch, maybe it's a ring, maybe it's a book.. in a relationship, the best gift you can give to one another is the gift of time. If busy schedules, children, and other responsibilities cut into the quality time you long for, then maybe it's time to reconsider prioritizing the gifts to be less tangible and more substantial. Spending quality time reconnecting with each other can foster longer, more positive, memories to reflect upon throughout the years, more so than any tangible item that eventually will be discarded, donated or put away.

Related articles

• my love language...wuhhhhhh... (gnayharas.wordpress.com)
• What is Quality Time? (kleenexmums.com.au)

Listen to your Gut

Have you ever had a natural instinct to walk away from a bad situation, or jump on a great opportunity, but you remain stagnant because you're fearful of the unknown? Sometimes our gut, or inner voice, sends us loud signals to venture forth on a path than we expect or hope for. It can be as valuable as Pinocchio's "Jiminy Cricket" and usually won't lead you astray if you really listen to what it's trying to tell you and realize that you gut is letting you know how a given situation may be in your best interest, even if you cannot understand why in the moment, or may tell you to leave a bad event, even if you want to stay.

Listen to your gut... see what it has to tell you... it's a stronger force than you might believe.

Letting People Know What You Need

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

Do you know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Being assertive is having the ability to set boundaries for yourself and standing up for your rights in a respectful way. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means to state your points in a way that may intimidate and manipulate your partner into giving up their own beliefs to pacify your own.

The question to ask yourself: Why would you really want your partner to agree with you because you've intimidated them into believing as yourself?

Related articles

• Assertive, Not Aggressive (psychologytoday.com)
• How to Develop Assertiveness (socyberty.com)

Discussing the "Tough Stuff"

You know the 3 top issues that couples tend to fight the most about (not in any particular order): children, sex, and money. These 3 topics tend to trigger the most tension because people have such deep connections & beliefs about them; however, they are still an important part of a relationship and it's important such topics aren't avoided.

So how can you minimize such conflicts? Begin talking about them BEFORE it becomes an issue. Talk about the value of money (how you like to save/spend/etc.), how you want to raise the children, likes & dislikes in the bedroom as soon as possible! Don't wait until you find yourselves confronted with the issue. If you're dating and see your relationship going towards a serious path, discuss these issues NOW. If you're already married, continue such discussions as they come up for either one of you.

Having ongoing discussions about your expectations will help you understand your partner and yourself better in relating to one another & enhance your relationship.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Fight Fair in Your Marriage (lifescript.com)
• Don't Let Money Ruin Your Relationship (psychologytoday.com)

Contingencies - A Relationship Killer

This week, I saw a lot of couples who believed, "If you want me to do 'XYZ', then you should do 'ABC' for me." When their partner didn't respond as they expected, they admitted to withholding the behavior/effort they initially put forth. In a relationship, this can result in a reduction in the positive feelings and connections you want to have with your partner. Your partner may not be responding in kind not out of malice nor intent, but out of tiredness, stress, or plain forgetfulness.

If you're basing positive connections on contingencies (like sex, a date night, or the like), then think about this: not only are you "punishing" your partner for not reciprocating, but you're denying yourself the activities you enjoy spending with your partner. While your connection may be "off," you are causing further distance and damage. Instead of contingencies, talk to your partner about your concerns about your efforts and the responses you're getting vs. the responses you'd like to see. Listen to your partner's responses and see if there's ways for the 2 of you to grow closer, rather than putting up obstacles that will cause you to grow further apart.

Putting the Marriage Towards the Top

How easy is it to put all the stressors of your life prior to your marriage? The kids, cleaning the house, the bills... it never ends and it's easy to lose yourself and your relationship among all the daily routines. As a result, it's easy to lose the connection you have with your partner with all these stressors bombarding you. However, consider this... if you and your partner continue to make the relationship a priority, regardless of the external stressors, then you know you can work through the issues and supporting one another.

Make your relationship a priority. The problems will come and go throughout your life, but can be overcome more positively if your relationship is in tact.

30 Days at a Time

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Claim your Space

Nurturing your relationship and quality time is important. However, it is equally important to nurture yourself as individuals. Take time occasionally for yourself away from your spouse. Go out with friends...get involved with a hobby...whatever interests you have, foster them. It gives you a chance to regain your identity separate from your relationship, and provides you opportunities to share more with your partner at the same time!

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

If you believe your relationship isn't going the way you want it, rather than focusing on your partner, examine what you might be doing to contribute to the problem. It's easy to get caught up on your partner's actions... they aren't paying enough attention to you.. they may work longer hours than necessary.. they may not help enough around the house. Blame and accusations ensue & you might feel hopeless, but let's look at the other side of things.

What might you be doing that prevents your partner from wanting to spend time with you? What behaviors might you show your partner that discourages them from helping you around the house? It's easy to believe you want your relationship to be the best it can be, but only if your partner changes their ways. However, your partner will have no motivation to make changes if you continually engage in ways that upset them to begin with. Start with yourself & the changes that need to be made without worrying about your partner's faults... you'll get a lot further in your relationship.

Notice the Little Things

I was laid up this past weekend with a terrible head cold. However, this weekend has inspired my writing this week's tip...

As I laid on the couch, watching TV, feeling lousy, I also came to appreciate how important the little things are in a relationship. Be it an offer to go to the store and pick up some medicine, to make breakfast, or to even just pour a glass of juice, these little things can go a long way in a relationship. However, don't limit your random gifts of kindness to when a loved one is sick. Make these simple gestures part of your relationship everyday. If you're on the receiving end of these gifts, make sure you appreciate what your partner is doing for you. It's the give & take in a relationship that helps it flourish.

Related articles by Zemanta

• 5 Tips to Jolt Your Relationship from Negative to Positive (psychologytoday.com)
• Gratitude for 'little things' is key to relationships (telegraph.co.uk)

Acceptance

This week, I came across this anonymous quote regarding relationships. I found it very poignant, about unconditional acceptance of your partner. Too often, we try to change our partners to conform to our own comfort levels, rather than accepting our partners for who they are.

‎"Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restricting. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free...will never fly away." - Anonymous

What Does it Really Take?

I hear constantly from couples that they need to be working 50/50 for their relationship to work; but is that really the case? If each of you are putting in 50%, then both of you are only working to 1/2 of your potential. Really, this results in a relationship built on contingencies, where you need to depend on one another to create the 100%... "If you're not going to do your 50%, then why should I do mine?" This is a recipe for relationship disaster, when you're looking to your partner for the motivation to change.

Instead, try looking at your efforts as needing to be 100/100. If each of you are consistently putting a 100% into the relationship, then your efforts aren't contingent upon your partner's efforts to become whole. At 100%, you're already whole, and don't need to depend on your partner to make the changes within yourself. You can put 100% of the effort in knowing you're giving it your all. If your partner wants to make this relationship work, then hopefully they are committed to their own 100%. If they aren't, then you have the opportunity to decide what is going to feel best to you. Either way, it's about giving the relationship your all, not just 1/2 of you...

Is Love REALLY Enough?

When I sit with a couple in my office, I'll ask them why they continue to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner, especially if they are already convinced their partner will never change? More often than not, the response will be something to the effect of, "Because I love him/her?" So, now I'll offer this question, "Is love *really* enough?" I'm not suggesting people break up with their partners, in fact, I usually continue to work towards a fulfilling relationship as long as the couple continues attending counseling sessions. What I am suggesting is to take careful inventory of your relationship & really look at what you can be doing differently in order to build upon the love you've built together.

If your partner is continually doing something that you feel is disrespecting you, ask yourself these questions:

1) Why would s/he disrespect me time and again if they really loved me?

2) Why would I continue to tolerate such behaviors from someone I love?

You will be disrespected if you don't respect yourself first. You won't be loved the way you deserve if you don't love yourself first. Boundaries will only be respected if you respect and uphold your own boundaries first. Love in of itself is not the sole foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue to move the relationship through tough times & relish in the good times.

Is It REALLY Over?

Sometimes couples end a relationship when they don't think there's any hope for change or improvement. They say they've "tried everything," but really, "everything" is probably more limited than they think. They tend to continually try the same things over and over, expecting different results. As a result, frustration sets in and arguments get worse or the silence gets more pronounced.

If this sounds like your relationship, there's still hope. It's easy to think you've "done everything," but have you "really" considered all the possibilities? Or have you limited yourself? This is where counseling can be beneficial. The process of counseling can help you explore new avenues on how to relate to your partner, acquire new tools and enhance the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

Where do YOU fit in?

There seems to be a common belief that the children must come first in a person's life. To some degree this is true, as the infant is completely dependent on you for everything: feedings, attention, clothing, changing, etc. However, many couples take this to an extreme, resulting in a disconnect in their relationship. While you never want to neglect the needs of a child, you also do not want to neglect your own needs... you're only as good of a caretaker to another as you caretake of yourself.

Prior to children, you might have been a wife/husband, employee, and good friend. Adding in a role of parent may be a juggle, but that additional role should not replace the other roles altogether. If you find you have completely given up other roles to add in the role of the parent, it's time to start doing something different. Reconnect with friends, have a date night with your partner, let your partner take care of the children for a few hours and engage in yoga classes. Whatever you do, it's important NOT to lose yourself in the role of parenthood. At some point, your children will be grown and out of the house, keeping your sense of self in tact will help you with all the transitions in life that face you.

Balance is Key

Do you find yourself feeling burned out after putting extra effort into one part of your life? For example, after a big project deadline has passed or after putting together your child's birthday party? Part of the reason this burnout phenomenon occurs is because we tend to over-focus on the issue that feels most pressing to us at the expense of other projects or activities we may enjoy. This occurs often in the long term for couples after having children, which is the reason so many couples have trouble connecting after the children have grown up and left the home.

So what's the answer? If something pressing is facing you, it's important to remember there's other parts of your life that shouldn't be ignored. You may not be able to actively engage in them the way you would without the looming deadline or circumstance over your head, but it doesn't mean you should disregard your life altogether for the sake of the current stress. Take time for yourself, for your relationship, for your family in the smallest ways. It will make a HUGE difference in your overall health and well-being, not to mention maintaining a better connection with your partner.